whatever will be

New Digs

2009-10-23T09:11:00.002+08:00

Hi!

So you may be stumbling across my blog via ICLW or perhaps you used to read me but haven't checked in for awhile?

Well short history, we've been trying to get knocked up AND stay knocked up for 10 years now. We've had 5 miscarriages, two this year.

We've now decided to step off the train and try to live our life without children.

Subsequently I've decided to start a new blog which can be found here so please come on over and follow my/our journey there!

the end of the road post

2009-10-20T22:36:00.002+08:00

it's over

i'm done ttc

if i get knocked up so be it

but we are not actively trying

instead we are living

with this decision comes a new blog

at a new addy

i will still blog about life after ttc

but i will become one of those rareties in our blogosphere

a ttc who is now blogging about life after ttc

not actively ttc

i've noticed that there are not many of us around

and so i'm happy to add my new blog to this group

i'm hoping i don't lose any of my readers in my move

i love you all very much and appreciate all of my readers thoughts

and of course comments

my new blog can be found here:
http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/

please please PLEASE come over and keep reading me

i don't want to be lonely over there!

The Ever Wonder Why Post

2009-10-19T16:39:00.002+08:00

do you

ever

wonder why

some people

have lots of followers

and others hardly any?

i ponder this when i click on some blogs

and they have few comments

and then others have well into the double figures

both bloggers write well

both are likeable

and yet one receives more traffic

more support

and more comments

i wonder why?

[as you can see i'm procrastinating rather than write what i have to write about]

The Obsession Post

2009-10-17T16:32:00.002+08:00

So.

BikerMan and I had a huge fight the other night

This fight was followed by a huge talk

apparently

I am obsessed by all things trying to conceive

All things baby

Getting knocked up

Now this may come as a surprise to some of you

If it does, please I insist that you take a moment

Sit down

Place your head downwards between your knees

And

Breath

It of course did not come as a shock to me

I mean come on, it's been 10 years

You don't manage 10 years without dedication

and a bit of hardcore obsession

Our conversation did however come as a shock

And I think it could may very well be the clincher

In whether or not our ttc journey is going to continue

Or end

I am thinking it may be the latter at the moment

While I still ponder, let me ask, are YOU obsessed by trying to get knocked up?

Are you constantly thinking about pregnancy, babies and how to get one of your own?

Do we need to start a TTC Anonymous?

The Envy Post

2009-10-14T22:24:00.001+08:00

Isn’t it strange how we all envy someone who has something we want but that those things we envy are so completely different for each person?

Kate over at Maybe Baby? is wanting to be in her second trimester (completely understandable after what she’s been through, I’d want to be in the second trimester too!) - you know I'm rootin for ya honey! (thats cheering you on in Aussie slang! Though it does have another meaning too but we won't go into that!).

In complete contrast I’d be happy to be where she is right now, still knocked up and willing my second trimester to come hurtling toward me with gusto!

Others have told me while they don’t envy my miscarriages [after all who would?], they do envy the fact that I’ve managed to at least get knocked up, there are plenty out there who don’t even know if they can get knocked up.

There are those who are TTC and envy those who at least have a diagnosis as to why they can’t get knocked up. Unknown Infertility is hell on earth. If you don’t know what’s wrong then you can’t fix it, hence no solution. I envy those who have been lucky enough (that soooo doesn’t sound right but really there is NO other way to phrase it!) to find a reason behind their recurrent miscarriages, I haven’t been that lucky, I fall into the unknown zone and it’s a zone I hate because there is no solution so all I get is keep trying and one day one may stick. Ugh yeah my heart doesn’t like that plan very much.

No matter where you are on your InFertility journey, you will always find that there is someone who you envy and there will be someone envying your position in the journey.....such is life.

The Descent Post

2009-10-12T22:52:00.002+08:00

At some point last night, the descent started.

Early this morning I could see the bottom.

This afternoon I hit the bottom.

By early evening I had no fingernails left due to scrapping at the side trying to ascend again.

The darkness is blinding.

The silence palpable.

Have you ever just sat and felt your emotions taking over your body?

It starts out as a calm, much like before a storm. Silence, stillness, you know it's coming you're just not sure when.

As I sat in the darkness this afternoon, let my mind empty and just sat there.

Me heart started beating faster first.

Then my breathing caught up with it.

My eyes twitched before releasing tears.

I sat there, so still while I felt a tear well up in the corner of my left eye.

It built up and up, teetering on the cusp of my lower lashes, until my eye could hold it no longer.

I felt it spill over onto my cheek.

I felt it begin it's slow slide down my cheek and as it reached my lips, I felt another escape from my eye.

Before I knew what was happening, the tears were freefalling down my face and my heart had begun to ache.

It's ironic that just as I'd decided that this blog was about to take a happy turn, I was going to see the positives and just take life as it comes, I experience a loss.

It's as if, even when I'm focussing on the positive and enjoying what I have in life rather than being sad about what I don't, the Universe comes along and slaps me in the face and says "hey sunshine welcome back to the real world!"

Failure.

Thats the word for the day, evening, week. It's a word I cannot get out of head no matter how hard I try.

It feels that every time I try to achieve something, I fail at it.

I will be sad if I never become a Mother. I will be devestated if I never make BikerMan a Dad. I will feel like a failure, like I seem to be, like I feel I already am.

A failure at being a wife.

A failure at being a woman.

[I wanted to add that while I understand my blog is currently sounding sad, depressed and morose, I apologise but this is how I'm feeling right now. I need to get these feelings out, if I don't well......I can't even put it into words. This is my outlet, where I come for support. Support I need more than ever right now because I'm choosing not to share this with the people in my life in the "real" world. That might sound insane in itself but my heart and my head cannot handle the questions and there would be questions and the level of support I would get from the people in the "real" world woud be minimal going off past experiences.]

The I Don't Know What To Post So I Will Ramble Post

2009-10-11T16:51:00.003+08:00

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a few days.

If I knew what to post, I would have posted earlier.

However, I did not.

I drafted a post many a time in my head, came to the computer and waited for it to transpire through my fingers onto the keyboard.

That never happened.

It's been a tough week and a half.

It was my Dads 65th birthday on the 7th. He of course isn't here to celebrate it. We went out to dinner and toasted him in his absence.

My due date for my 4th miscarriage was yesterday - the 10th. It came and went, I tried not to think about it - that obviously [as usual] did not work.

I don't have the ability to put grief on top of grief and I haven't finished - in fact not even really acknowledged so therefore started - my fifth loss yet.

Throw into the mix a couple of "omg I'm pregnant" announcements in the "real" world and a couple of longterm ttcer's in the ALI blogosphere annoucing their happy knocked up news [which I have to say I AM truly happy and thrilled for them but well sorry guys if I haven't come across as super excited and happy for you but I'm kind of living my own hell at the moment - I hope y'all understand!] and well I'm surprised that I've managed to drag myself out of bed all week if I'm honest.

And so my fifth loss.

I've had so many people this past week [not that I've told a whole heap of people, in fact none in "real life", I just can't and couldn't handle the questions] tell me that I will have a baby, I just need to keep the hope alive.

Really?

I understand people only say these things to help me stay positive but telling me things that aren't true and are unlikely to come to fruition actually do not help the situation.

In fact all it does is ram home the fact that no, unlike some who miscarry, I'm not actually going to pick the magic door and come home with the prize. Instead I'm going to be the sucker who gambles the big win on a "chance" and come home with fuck all while the audience laugh at me.

I've had people who tell me that they too have miscarried BUT they accepted that their baby wasn't ready nor healthy enough to come into the world just yet and so they were grateful that they miscarried. That they applied this thinking to all 3 or 5 or 7 miscarriages that they had to endure to get their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.

And that my friends is the kicker right there.

Their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.

Now in no way am I discounting the pain they endured having miscarriages.

Miscarriages are hell on earth and I wouldn't wish my pain or heartache on even my worst enemy, believe me.

However yes, my miscarriages perhaps may be less taxing on my soul had I been lucky enough to have successful pregnancies and healthy children between them.

However I have not.

I've fought to become a Mother for 10 very long years. Answering question after question as to why we don't have children yet, if we're going to have children and whether that healthy glow I have is because I'm pregnant? (no my cheeks are red because I've just been crying - again!).

The questions have started going around in my head.

Why is the one that pushes to the front, barrelling all the others out of the way.

I must have been really bad in a previous life.

I must have some bad karma lingering around me in this life.

I was 6 weeks and I knew I was knocked up before I took the test.

I knew I was miscarrying as soon as I went to the toilet that day.

Isn't it profoundly sad that I wasn't surprised to miscarry?

This is what sex and pregnancy has come down to.

You have sex.

You may fall pregnant.

You will then more than likely [going off your track record/past history] spontaneously abort your child.

On one of the forums that I post on, another regular poster on a thread I too am a regular on, was due the same time I should have been had I not had my 4th miscarriage. Isn't it pathetic that while she was giving birth, I was experiencing yet another miscarriage?

She got a [no doubt] beautiful baby girl, I got another crack in my heart.

I fear any more cracks and my heart will void it's warranty and I'm not sure I can live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.

Could you?

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back Post

2009-10-06T17:40:00.003+08:00

I always wondered what it would take to break the camels back.

I've also always wondered where the "the straw that broke the camels back" phrase came from?
I mean straw isn't very heavy so it would have to be bales of hay being dropped onto that camel from a great height for it's back to be broken right?

As you can see I obviously have too much time on my hands right now, coupled with the fact that I've been thinking about anything AND everything to distract my mind from the one thing that I don't want to think about.

It hasn't been working.

My last post on this was vague because I just couldn't put my heart through dealing with it. Nothing has changed except to say that I've admitted it but I don't feel as expected.

I've just suffered my 5th loss and I feel numb.

I don't feel angry.

I don't fee sad.

I'm not asking why me?

I am however asking - whats the matter with me?
Why am I feeling like this?
Why am I feeling nothing?
This isn't normal and I do not like it.

Is this what it has come to? Where I've suffered so many losses that my heart doesn't even recognise them anymore? It's that glazed over? It has such a blase torwards pain that nothing can hurt it anymore? I find that hard to believe and yet I have no other explanation as to why right now I'm just numb.

Now understand when I say numb, I mean exactly that, no feeling, walking around in a daze, letting life happen around me. I'm here in my life but not really contributing in anyway shape or form.

Each day is blending into the next and yet I don't know where one ends and the next begins.

Do I think this WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I don't know but can I experience a 6th loss? No, no I can't. Yet then I never thought I'd be able to experience a 5th losse or a 4th, 3rd or 2nd but I did and here I am still standing after all those losses.

5. Five. 4 plus 1. Six minus one. F.I.V.E. losses. 5 lives that won't enter into mine and BikerMans. Five lives that we won't get to share. 5 births we will never experience. Five first birthdays we will never see.....

I really don't like the number FIVE anymore.....

Two Homes

2009-10-05T06:23:00.003+08:00

So I thought about it last night and read this mornings comments on my previous post (thank you all so much btw for your input, it's VERY much appreciated!) and have decided to maintain BOTH blogs.

Here's the twist.

Blogger will remain my MAIN site to blog at but when I feel the need to rant and rave and password protect, I will post over at Wordpress and then link back to it here at Blogger.

I am reluctant to leave Blogger because I do like the fact that I can customise it and make it look pretty much how I want it to and you can't do that with Wordpress. In fact the only think Wordpress has going for it, IS the fact that you can password protect it.

New Home

2009-10-04T22:55:00.002+08:00

So even after redoing my digs and giving them a makeover, I'm still not happy...*sigh*

A few people recently have said that they wish they could password protect certain posts and this thought has been dancing across my mind of late too. If I could limit who saw what I typed in certain situations I'd be more tempted to be alot more open than I already am.

It frustrates me how blogger doesn't give you the option of only password protecting certain posts and so I'm contemplating a move to WordPress.

Here is the link....

http://quelchesara.wordpress.com/

Please people I'm after your thoughts! What do you think of how my other blog looks like? Do you blog at blogger, Wordpress or self host and why do you blog where you do?

Even though I've imported my posts to the other blog, I'm still in two minds as to whether to 'move' there or not....

I will be waiting with baited breath on people's thoughts!

The AF That Wasn't My AF but I'm Not Ready to Acknowledge What It Was Post

2009-10-03T21:42:00.002+08:00

I won't go into details.

I can't go into details.

IF I acknowledge it,
or write about it
then my heart has to be exposed to it
and
right now....
it simply cannot handle that.

Awards

2009-10-02T20:21:00.006+08:00

Soooooo I've been lucky enough to get two awards of late but have been slack and not blogged about them!

The first was from Seraphim over at Oh, the possibilities! and it was an Honest Scrap award. This award means alot to me because it's the one thing that I try to be most of all on this blog - honest. It may not win me any friends and at times it may lose me readers but when I'm being honest about my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences then I'm being true to myself. My blog is my sanctuary, where I can be myself uncensored and just be.

I now have to tell you ten things about myself. You're not supposed to know these things about me but after the week I've had, I may cheat and throw some things in that you already do know about me, if you find you do, my most humble apologies and please ask for a raincheck for a complete new fact about me in the comment section!

#1 BikerMan and I met on the internet a week after I arrived in Europe to work as a Nanny for an American family. We spoke on the internet for hours every day for a couple of weeks before we spoke on the phone and then at the end of the month he came down to where I lived so we could meet.

#2 He proposed a month after we met (and I'd accepted!) and we were married a year after we first met.

#3 BikerMans family boycotted our wedding. They loved me til we said we were getting married and then they turned into the family that likes to hate. They didn't care that I made him happy, all they could see was that I was "taking him away from them" and so they ruined our day. His Dad didn't bother to come at all and the rest of his family walked out after the ceremony. To this day we still don't speak to his parents and have only just recently started speaking to his sister again after 8 years of no contact. 10 years on we get the last laugh because we're still together and as in love as ever.

#4 I will never EVER forgive his family for how they made BikerMan feel on our wedding day, nor will I ever forgive them for ruining our wedding day - when I think of our wedding day, their behaviour is all I can think about.

#5 BikerMan is 10years and 3 months older than me and yet I still love him and his ever greying hair - he says it's my fault his hair is grey (and yes I'm laffin my arse off as I type this!!)

#6 I love BikerMan a little more each day - something I never thought possible.

#7 I hate spring because I get hayfever and the season is just about to swing into action here.

#8 I have a secret desire to be thin, wear black jeans, a long black leather coat, paint my nails black, wear heavy eye makeup and not care what anyone thinks about me!

#9 I loooooooong to know how to apply great eye makeup! I sooooo want to do "smoky eyes" but have never mastered it yet - anyone want to teach me?

#10 I miss my beloved Dad more and more each day.....

My nominees that I'm going to pass this award onto are:-

Irish Girl

Hopes and Dreams for Us

Sprogblogger

Maybe Baby

and last but not least Sass from Secret Life of Sass & Lex

My second award is from Sass over at Secret Life of Sass & Lex and it was an Over The Top award which I sometimes think my blog is LOL but I make no apologies for!!

Ok so I have to answer the below questions with only ONE answer:-

1. Where is your cell phone? KITCHEN
2. Your hair? UP

3. Your mother? WONDERFUL

4. Your father? MISSED

5. Your favorite food? MOST
6. Your dream last night? VIVID

7. Your favorite drink? COFFEE
8. Your dream/goal? HAPPINESS
9. What room are you in? LOUNGE
10. Your hobby? BLOGGING

11. Your fear? UNHAPPINESS

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? D/KNOW
13. Where were you last night? IN BED

14. Something that you aren’t? HAPPY

15. Muffins? NO

16. Wish list item? TRAVEL
17. Where did you grow up? OSTRAHHHHHLIA
18. Last thing you did? TYPED

19. What are you wearing? CLOTHES

20. Your TV? ON
21. Your pets? ASLEEP
22. Friends? V.FEW
23. Your life? SO-SO

24. Your mood? DOWN
25. Missing someone? YES
26. Vehicle? GOES
27. Something you’re not wearing? SOCKS

28. Your favorite store? IKEA
29. Your favorite colour? BLUE
30. When was the last time you laughed? THIS AFTERNOON

31. Last time you cried? TONIGHT

32. Your best friend? IN TRANSITION
33. One place that I go to over and over? BEACH
34. One person who emails me regularly? BIKERMAN

35. Favorite place to eat? HOME

I'm passing this award onto:-

Mindful Meandering

My Grasp At Sanity

No Oven for The Bun

Crazy Lady Ramblings

and last but not least Oh, the possibilities!

I hope I haven't bored you all too much with my dribbling tonight, back to normal posting tomorrow!!

TGIT - Thank God It's Thursday

2009-10-01T20:27:00.003+08:00

Yes yes I know it SHOULD read Thank God It's Friday - TGIF and normally it would

HOWEVER

Thursday is my Friday and so from this week I will be making a TGIT post and my fellow bloggy friends do not despair, do not read my TGIT posts and think cow! How dare she celebrate her weekend a day before we get to! Who does she think she is? Instead look at it as getting into the weekend celebrations early!!

And so tonight in true TGIT style, I'm bustin out my dance moves all over my lounge room while my dogs (and BikerMan I might add!) look at me like I'm having some kind of medical seizure and debate whether to call the men in the white coats from the asylum or the ambulance service!!

And what am I bustin my dance moves to? Well this of course, a video compiled of the dance moves of one of the few women that I'd turn gay for (her sense of humour does it for me as does her smile!) and the soundtrack to it is killer, I *heart* The Kooks song She Moves in Her Own Way....

The Reason for the Change Post

2009-09-29T22:11:00.005+08:00

So why the change?

It's quite simple really, the past month has been one of realisations for me. Not all at once and not right in your face very obvious changes, just subtle ones that take their time to reveal themselves but when they do, it DOES feel like someone has walked up to me, slapped me across the face and yelled "why didn't you realise that sooner?" LOL.

It's been confronting. It's been eye opening. It's been scary, upsetting, dark but at the same time, relieving and peaceful. The last quote on my header from the Dalai Lama has helped me adjust to this change of thinking....."The purpose of our lives is happiness". Even if I never become a Mother, I can still be happy. In fact if I never become a Mother, I owe it to not only myself but also BikerMan to be happy. To embrace my life, our life for what it is, rather than dwell on what it is not.

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." How utterly true is this statement? How can I expect my body to conceive and carry a healthy child when I have so much negativity, bitterness, anger and expectation just pouring out of it? I put so much pressure on my body every cycle, that every cycle my body is failing just amounts to more pressure next cycle. Yes my body is failing but focussing on that every month hasn't worked for the past 120+ odd cycles so perhaps it's time I stopped? My body is apparently my temple, so perhaps it's time I gave it a break and just once when it doesn't do something that supposedly comes naturally to it, I just don't mention it rather pretend it never happened.

I "lost" a friend a few weeks back and took the plunge to email her last week and ask what had happened. She told me that my blog was profoundly sad, heartbreaking in fact and that she couldn't read it anymore. Which was fine. I respect people's decision in what they choose to read and what they choose not to read, I'd hate to think that anyone was reading me purely because they felt they "had to", thats not why I write. I write because it helps my head stay partially sane and I write because I like being part of the ALI community. If people don't like what I say or how I say it, by all means click the little x in the corner, close the window and move on, if you do like what I say and how I say it then yes, please do keep coming back, I love my readers and the comments they leave!

She told me that misery loves company (or in words similar) and funnily enough BikerMan has told me the same thing time after time. "You're never going to be happy while you surround yourself with sadness". To a point they are both right HOWEVER I have no desire to leave my blog, my readers OR the people I read. Yes it would be fan-freaking-tabulous if my life was all fairies, cupcakes and coloured marshmellow rainbows and glitter but omg thats right it's the real world and it's not. Sad things happen in life and unfortunately I just happen to blog about subjects that are hard to deal with and upsetting to have to keep going through time after time. I make no apologies for how I write. I write whats happening in my head, if I don't get it out here I'll go insane and probably throw myself in front of a truck. This means that yes there are going to be sad things written, angry things and posts regarding depression, it needs to be said, needs to be shared.

The last thing she mentioned was this post on why I want to be happy for infertiles but I struggle to be. I was very honest on that post and was told so by many commentators. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am ALWAYS happy when a fellow ALI community member falls pregnant. The reason for that post was to get the point across that yes I may not always seem happy about PG announcements but deep down I am I just struggle to show it and that is no crime. I really wanted to put that message out there, that you can feel disappointed, sadness and depression about others getting knocked up and acknowledging those emotions is perfectly fine and healthy and normal!!

I want to say that I haven't written about why my friend stopped reading me to "out" her or embarass her (though she no longer reads me so that doesn't really matter) I did it because her email was another of my realisations. Something also clicked in my head that made me see what she was saying from a different perspective. I also want to say, publicly, that yes I WAS and AM 100% truly happy for her. I don't do fake congratulatory statements, if I say I'm happy for you then I am.

Lastly I understand that some don't want to read about my struggles and you know what, that is completely FINE. Like there are some pregnancy blogs that I can't read, there will be some who find my writing just too bleak, depressing and YES at times bitter and judgemental. Let me assure you though that unfortunately I'm an opinionated little cow, always have been and always will be. I hold my hands up and admit freely that yes I've been bitter in the past, I'm sorry but 10 years struggling to achieve what others only seem to have to sneeze to achieve, I'd like to meet anyone who doesn't hold even the tiniest bit of a bitterness or resentment towards people who manage to get what they want so easily while they struggle time after time. Of course this does not maketh an excuse but it is what it is and I can't change the past. What I can do is move forward and hope to change the future.

It is your choice if you choose to read, yours if you choose to not read but I am me, I'm honest and I put my feelings out there...and yes there will always be people who don't like that.....

New Look (surprise surprise!) and New Attitude

2009-09-29T17:16:00.001+08:00

I will explain in a longer post tonight but rest assured it IS still me blogging but with a (hopefully) new attitude and so new look.....the title says it all really....whatever will be....

Back later xx

The Gazing from the Window Post

2009-09-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

If I stand at our bedroom window and direct my gaze downwards slightly and to the left, my eyes fall upon a seemingly normal house.

This house however isn't normal. Why? Well to put it simply, its the perfect "average" family house.

In this house lives a happily married couple. They built their house the same time we built ours, three and a half years ago. About a year after that along came their first born, turning their coupledom into a family. Another year on, came along their second born, thus expanding their family and turning them into the "average" family.

Their firstborn was a girl. Their secondborn a boy.

Believe me when I say that you cannot get any more "average" aka "perfect" than this couple and their children. Their daughter is gorgeous, their boy even more so. They have the station wagon, family get togethers at Christmas and a Mums group round once every couple of months.

Their weekends are spent doing "family things", bbq's with other parents with children, listening to the Wiggles in the car, laughing in the backyard with their children.

Who knew that being "average" would be so hard to achieve?

I spend alot of time looking out my bedroom window, at the street, at other children playing in the street, the sky and the trees and at their house and their "average" family and life.

However I always make sure to let the curtain drop back into place, hiding my face before the tears fall onto my cheeks.

I never thought I'd ever say this but......I just want to be "average" too.

The Random Numbers Post

2009-09-17T16:17:00.000+08:00

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 8

They are just numbers. Random numbers that don't even run in sequence. Numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they are another unfulfilled dream. Numbers that refer to another day that two didn't become three. Another day I didn't become a parentt.

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 9

More numbers. Again random, that don't run in sequence. Again numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they signify a whole year. 365 days that have passed, in which nothing major has happened except that I've lost yet another baby.

Today was a hard day, a very hard day. And I felt so very very alone. I wandered aimlessly around Ikea this afternoon. I hadn't wanted to spend the afternoon alone but with BikerMan working to the evening and all my 'friends' busy and unable to offer me any time, it was alone I spent it. Alone but surrounded by people, as well as lots of babies and lots of pregnant bellies.

No matter where I went today, the universe was determined to surround me with the things I crave the most, babies and pregnant bellies. Everywhere as far as the eye can see.

Ikea normally cheers me up, it's like Mecca, where I go to pray as Ikea and all it's designers are God. Today it was like there was a funeral around every corner. I walked around the displays aimlessly barely registering what I was looking at, picking up a items here and there. After I'd made it back to the car, I sat down, closed and locked the door and sobbed my heart out.

Despite being around loads of people all day I felt like I was falling back into a pool, slowly drowning and all I can see is the light slowly fading and as much as I scream no one can hear me.

And in 23 days I get to do it all over again......unless I manage to "get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself"......

The Feeling Sorry for Yourself Days Post

2009-09-15T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ok I want to ask a question and take a poll.

This question is aimed at all of those who have experience miscarriage.

Do you mourn your loss on what should have been your due date? Do you mourn the first year anniversary of the day that you lost your baby? Or do you just let these days slide by and get on with life?

Ok, can I see a show of hands please?

Today I got asked what was up with me? Why was I unhappy? When I reminded them that in two days time it was the 1 year anniversary of my due date from my 3rd miscarriage, I got told that 'yeah but those days are just times that you feel sorry for yourself" or words to that affect (I can't remember exactly because there have been quite a few tears since it was said).

Is that true? Am I just holding onto those dates purely so I can feel sorry for myself and bawl my eyes out? Become miserable about what I have had and lost and still don't have? Do I even have the right to mourn these days and dates?

Or am I holding onto these dates because if I'm not lucky enough to have children, these dates could be the only link I will ever have to motherhood and becoming a parent? Long past dates of what could have been, of days I should have been becoming a mother, a parent.

As I sit here with yet more tears streaming down my face, I'm torn between "getting over myself and my feelings" and not remembering the dates to try to move on with life and wanting to remember every single date that I possibly can that links me with motherhood because those dates are the only thing(s) that I may ever have relating to motherhood.

As I wipe away yet another tear, I can't decide what hurts most the upcoming date in two days time or the fact that the person who referred to the anniversary as a feeling sorry for yourself day was Bikerman......

THAT question

2009-09-14T20:58:00.001+08:00

Ha! I know what you're thinking....which question?

You see there are SO many questions that THAT question actually could be. So many questions that as InFertiles, we get asked on an almost daily basis, so many questions that are inappropriate and to be frank, no one elses damned business to be asking!

This question however refers to how as InFertiles we are told and often expected to be grateful for whatever we can get in the way of Motherhood.

By this I mean, if I had a $ for every time I've been told "Oh why don't you just adopt?" and "If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?" and my favourite "It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

Now lets look at these....

"Oh why don't you just adopt?"
Adoption in Australia is neither easy, cheap nor a short process. Adoption can take years, sometimes 10+, it can cost into the tens of thousands - routinely costing well over $30 000 and there is alot of red tape - especially when adopting from overseas.

Now if we were hitting the point we are hitting now with having ttc for 10 years and 4 miscarriages and we were younger, then yeah I'd honestly say lets give adoption a go but we are not and unfortunately it's NOT an option for us.

The major thing that stands in our way re adoption is DH's age. He is 40 and by the time we went through the process, he'd be considered too old - something he's actually considered now when it comes to adoption.

"If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?"
and
"It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

I can actually answer these two together.

Fertiles get to get knocked up, usually have a stress free pregnancy or at least one that ends with a living breathing baby at the end and get to experience their childs life from day of conception. I do not consider this experience an exclusive one just for Fertiles, I believe this experience should be allowed to be experienced and rejoiced in by ANYONE who wants become a parent, Fertiles and InFertiles alike.

For me parenthood is raising a child regardless of age BUT is it such a sin that my desire is to raise that child from the moment it's conceived like so many others are allowed to do?

Why, just because I'm InFertile, should I be grateful and happy, that ANY child regardless of age or how it came to be MY child is mine? This isn't a case of settling and being made to be grateful of becoming a mother any which way I can.

I so desperately want to experience that BFFP, that first ultrasound, that ultrasound where I get to see OUR childs heartbeat. The ultrasound where I get to find out if OUR child is a boy or a girl. I want to feel that first flutter of movement in my belly, feel that first kick, have OUR child lay on my bladder or kick me in the ribs. I want those pictures of my ever expanding belly. I want people to rub my bump and tell me that I'm glowing. The labour (yes even the pain!!) of bringing OUR child into this world, hearing the first cry, enjoying the first feed, seeing OUR child learn to crawl, walk and talk.

I want to have that argument with someone over whether or not I should be breastfeeding OUR child or whether I should be putting OUR child into cloth nappies over disposables. I want that picture of OUR child with chocolate cake all over his or her face on their first birthday.

I'm InFertile.

But

Why does that mean I have to settle and be grateful for what I can get, rather than what I want?

Looking Looking Looking but no....

2009-09-11T07:45:00.000+08:00

.....comments.

I routinely look at my blog during the day and refresh to see how many people have been looking at my blog.

In the past 40 minutes I've refreshed 3 times and each time I've had 8, 7 and 10 more "readers" each time and yet no comments.

It makes me wonder what makes people comment and what makes them just read and then click elsewhere?

Do someones words have to jump out at you to make you want to leave them a comment? Do you have to agree with what the author has written or perhaps strongly disagree?

Some are happy to just blog and not receive comments, others thrive on what others think about their writing and perhaps they like knowing that their blog is offering others support or hope and so receiving comments is like receiving hope and support back.

I will put my hand up to blogging better when I'm receiving comments, it makes me very much more aware of blogging well because I know people are reading my words and so I strive to make sure my posts are well written. Don't get me wrong, my blog is for ME, not for anyone else, it's a place where my soul comes to vent and divulge itself, it's its haven and if I never received another comment, I'd still blog BUT my soul does enjoy receiving comments, knowing it's not alone in putting itself out there for the world to judge and comment on.

Would you still blog if you never had and never would receive a comment on anything you wrote?

Angyle

2009-09-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

In nine days it will be the day that I should be celebrating one of my Angyle* childrens first birthday. Instead I will be remembering yet another unfulfilled due date.

Twenty three days after that unfulfilled date, I will be facing my unfulfilled due date from my miscarriage in February of this year.

It will also be three days after what should have been my beloved Dads 65th birthday.

The next 32 days are going to be a slow descent into hell I'm afraid.....I can feel the blackest of clouds forming already, gettng read to swallow me whole, crush me until I can no longer breath, squeezing tear after tear out of me, stealing yet another piece of my heart....

*Angyle is the Welsh word for Angel

Fathers Day - My Version

2009-09-06T20:55:00.000+08:00

Today was Fathers Day.

It was my second one without my beloved Dad here to let me lavish praise on him which he always deserved. My Dad was the best Dad out of all the Dads that I knew. My cousins (who are all older than me by 11+ years) told me after my Dad passed over that they wished he'd been their Dad. Wow. Thats not something you say lightly and it just confirmed what I already knew, my Dad rocked.

For some reason this Fathers Day, was harder than the first. I'm not sure why but my guess would be that I was still in a state of shock and relief when the first one rolled round. Shock that he was really gone and no longer here, relief that he could finally breath and that he didn't have to fight for every breath that he took.

I cried last night as I lay in bed. I haven't shed a tear today. Today I watched a movie that I knew he would have loved. I'm lucky in that I know that Dad has been with me alot since he passed over, he's made his presence be known through feeling, noises and smell and I was lucky enough to have felt him today.

Today I've been quiet and still. I've reflected on what this day means not only to me but to all of those who may no longer have their Fathers or who are struggling to have a child or adjust to life without children.

You see today is not only a day where I don't have a Father to celebrate Fathers Day with but it's also the day BikerMan doesn't get to celebrate being a Father too.

It's on days like these that I get the guilts. I feel guilty that BikerMan isn't a Father yet. I feel guilty that my Dad never got to become a Grandfather, something I know he would have LOVED to have been.

I feel guilty that MY body has denied these two men in my life that I love so dearly, the chance to become something they both want to be but were/are denied...

This afternoon BikerMan and I went down to the coast and just sat and watched the ocean. My Dads ashes were scattered into the sea and so when I want to feel close to him I go and sit by the ocean. Today as we sat and looked out at the waves crashing onto the rocks, I wrapped my arms around BikerMan, rested my head on his shoulder and entwined my fingers between his, I felt somewhat at peace and as we looked out onto the horizon and saw a dolphin frolicking in the waves, I knew my Dad would always be not very far me and always there should I need him.

Jumping Ship and Judgement

2009-09-04T13:24:00.000+08:00

We've had some "happy knocked up" news in the ALI blogosphere lately, lots of "happy knocked up" news to be honest, lots and lots of InFertiles are finding themseves knocked up with a sprog in the making.

This is fan-freaking-tastic. Even though my previous post showed how vulnerable my emotions are to these announcements, my happiness for these InFertiles is always there, it's just not always visible nor forthcoming because it's fighting with many other emotions.

The comments I received on that post, showed that I'm not the only InFertile that is struggling and does struggle on hearing "happy knocked up" news and let me tell you that's a huge relief. I was told several times via the comments how honest I was and while I admit to not sugar coating my feelings, I'd hope that others would do the same thing, tho I realise that this is always easier to say than put into practice. I suppose the reason why I don't sugar coat my feelings and let them show through on my blog is that if I didn't, then how would people know when I needed support? If I was constantly putting a mask on and appearing 'happy' when perhaps I wasn't, how would people know if I was sad or not coping? They wouldn't, so I make sure my blog is a place where I am totally 100% me, bad feelings and all, this is where my soul comes to bare itself, recoup and ask for a hug occasionally, it feels safe here. Why does it feel safe? Well I think alot of the safety comes from knowing that my words are read by other people who are in very similar situations to mine, not the same as we are all unique in ourselves and our struggles but definitely similar. People who read my blog possibly know what it's like to struggle with something that really should come naturally; possibly know what it's like to suffer such a heartwrenching loss that you're not sure if you can ever breath properly again; possibly know how hard it is to see everyone else around you manage to get what you so desire. Safety also comes from knowing that people who care about me and what happens to me read my words too.

In general the ALI blogosphere is such a supportive non judgemental community.

The fact that I think this is perhaps why I was so troubled to read some of the comments of this post by Murgdan. In it she made a comment about the fact that she has had a multitude of readers who have unsubscribed and jumped ship from her blog since she posted her "happy knocked up" news. Various people, and there were quite a few, who later commented felt the need to question why people would jump ship just because Murgdan was lucky enough to find herself now knocked up, some even went so far as to leave comments that were littered with words like rude, fairweather friends, find them sad, boo-hoo to those who left, never truly readers, how rude(!!). While these people are entitled to their opinion and Murgdan herself said she 100% completely understood WHY readers had left her blog once she announced her "happy knocked up" news I felt that there was a fair amount of judgement coming out via those comments and it left me feeling very sad.

I posted a comment trying to defend why some of these readers may have jumped ship but it appeared to fall on deaf ears. Normally I would have just posted a congratulations comments but these people could have been talking about me had I not already decided (against what my heart was advising me to do btw) to keep reading Murgdan's blog.

The problem I have with these comments is that these people are really judging people from afar without really knowing their back stories, their struggles or why they were reading Murgdan's blog in the first place. When I first started this blog, as I came across blogs from all aspects of the ALI blogosphere, I read their stories and if I like them, identified with them in anyway or just enjoyed what they wrote I'd add them to my list of blogs to read. The more I read the more aware I became of the amount of different struggles so many of the ALI community go through, how even though we are all linked by InFertility of some kind, we are all different, our struggles are different and yet our end goal is the same - to become a parent. I learnt quickly through reading these blogs that I could no longer judge anyone before I knew even a little of what they'd been through, it just wasn't fair and after all who am I to judge someones feelings or how or why they struggle with something? Answer, I'm no one but a fellow InFertile and rather than judging them I should be offering them support and trying to understand where they are coming from, rather than seeing where I think they should be headed.

When I read Murgdans "Just Relax" post, I'd had 15 "happy knocked up" announcements that week already and it was only Wednesday. At that point, reading her post and her second Beta post could have had me clicking delete on her blog but something stopped me, I'm not sure what but something did. Despite my very dark place at the minute regarding all knocked ups, I've actually kept reading all the knocked ups blogs whom I read when they were still ttc. It's been hard but I followed them on their jouney TO get knocked up and so would like to see the end result. Sure I have days where I just cannot read their blogs, it happens but I don't delete them, I just realise that some days I can't face their "happy knocked up" pregnancy updates.

There will come a point where I just can't handle it anymore and believe me when I say that that point has almost been hit a couple of times recently and when it does hit, it will be buh bye to every single pregnancy blog in my reader. I will stop reading them whether I've been following them for days, months or years, my sanity, fortunately, will come before whether people consider me a rude, sad, fairweather friend who was never truly a reader or not. Perhaps the people who unsubscribed to Murgdan's blog had already reached that point? I don't know, I can't say and I can't judge because I don't know them but if they had and thats why they did, I completely understand, just like Murgdan does.

After all my rambling, I suppose my point of this post was to hopefully get people to really think before they post a comment, think about the people that they are passing judgement on. Perhaps like me, they've tried to have A child for 10 years, have suffered 4 miscarriages and had just endured their 15th "happy knocked up" announcement that week......and reading about another much longed for pregnancy was just too much for them to bare anymore....

Knocked Up Infertiles - Why I Want to Be Happy For You but....

2009-09-01T14:59:00.000+08:00

....I struggle.

To say I've really struggled with the pregnancy tsunami that is hitting the ALI (and real life in my case) blogosphere at the moment is an understatement.

I always thought that when an InFertile got knocked up it was great and in reality it IS great, honestly it is. To see another who has struggled in the same OR similar way to yourself and then see them get success is a fantastic feeling, it gives you hope that one day it may indeed be you who is posting about your BFFP or great Beta result.

However, if you're human, it also can and probably does make your heart break a little, make tears well in the corner of your eyes and send the questions of "why isn't that me?" and "when is it going to be my turn?" spinning around your head over and over.

If you find yourself trying to deal with this mixed bag of emotions, it can be hard to admit them, no matter get support while you try to deal with them. You daren't tell the lucky knocked ups in our little community that you're happy for them but at the same time also devastated, upset, angry and perhaps a little bitter because lets face it, it probably wouldn't come across very well and no one in the throes of excitment over finally becoming knocked up wants to hear about a fellow InFertile who may be struggling with their good news.

I, unfortunately, will here and now put my hand up to feeling all these things in the past but especially over the past couple of weeks.

The last few weeks has felt like I just get up after being hit in the stomach by one cannonball (BFFP/Beta Result/Pregnancy Announcement), straighten up only to get hit in the gut by another BFFP announcement. It would appear that it matters not if these InFertiles have been struggling for months or years, it still hits me just the same.

Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for ANY InFertile who manages to find themselves knocked up (regardless of how they got knocked up) but the feelings of anger, disappointment and lately bitterness are there, bubbling away beneath the surface and to be honest I'm tired of trying to hide them away.

While the knocked up Infertiles post about their 'happiness' and 'joy' or 'cautious excitment' (I understand that one completely!), it seems wrong for another Infertile to post about my struggle with their good news, like it would be bad form, sore loser type of syndrome but then again I suppose in a way I am the loser, in the baby race at least.

I often wonder why I AM the loser in the baby race, who I managed to piss of in a former life to end up with the mother of all struggles to BECOME a Mother. During times like the current pregnancy tsunami, I ask that question even more frequently. Who decides who has waited long enough? Who decides that one persons struggle has been just hard enough while another must go on to struggle for an undetermined amount of time?

I also often wonder when I read the latest 'omg I'm pregnant' post and all the subsequent 'congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you' comments attached to it, if there are any other InFertiles reading who feel the way that I do but don't want to post about it or comment about it? Instead they choose or perhaps feel they have to keep their feelings to themselves, bubbling away beneath the surface, multiplying and festering. A couple of the most recent 'BFFP' posts I've read, I've left comments on that perhaps others frown upon, showing my struggle with the happy news. Was I right to do it? I'm not sure but others don't sugar coat their feelings so why should I? Isn't that what makes the ALI blogosphere so great? Our ability to be blunt, open and raw in our emotions? Hiding nothing and sharing things we'd never thought we'd share with virtual strangers?

Surely I can't be the only InFertile struggling with these feelings?

The "Dear....." Chronicles Part I

2009-08-28T12:17:00.000+08:00

Dear Body

Hi it’s me. I’m writing this letter to you because I want you to know why I’m feeling the way I am and why at this point in time, you’re not my favourite person/thing.
When I was growing up, I never wanted children, heck I wasn’t even going to get married but then BikerMan came into my life and all that changed.
Never did I think that you – my body, would never perform as you should. You’d never given me reason to think that you’d perform in anyway other than you should, like you were built to perform.
You started my period around the same time as my friend’s bodies started theirs, it was regular, and there were no issues.
The day I fell in love with BikerMan, I knew that I wanted to have his children; you knew that too, did you not feel how our heart felt about him? Did you not feel how fuzzy our brain became when we thought of him? How our knees got weak when he walked into the room? Of course you did, so you also knew that having children with him was always going to be a want, no a need, that just had to be fulfilled.
You reacted well when we came off the Pill. We’d only been on it for a couple of months and you’d made it abundantly clear during that time that you didn’t like the Pill, so I thought you’d embrace being off it and you did. Our period started again and was regular as clockwork.
BikerMan and I started trying for a baby not long after we got together and I was hopeful, after all body you were working as you should.
You didn’t bless us with a pregnancy until nearly a full year after we were married and then you cruelly snatched that away from us weeks later.
It was then another 6 years before you blessed us again only to (again) snatch it away. 6 months passed and you thought you’d tease us again and break our hearts in one swift fluid movement.
Finally I arrive at this year. This year you let me see that word “Pregnant” on the HPT again and you gave me hope. Body you let me feel different, like perhaps this time could be it. It only lasted a few brief days before you decided to take that away from me too.
Your failure at doing the one thing that you were designed to do, has left me with no faith not only in you but also in myself.
My failure at being able to safely nurture another living thing inside me makes me doubt absolutely everything that I do now. I second guess myself over the smallest of things, thinking if I can’t manage to do something I was designed to do, what hope do I have?
Not only body, have you snatched away any dreams I may have had to become a parent but you’ve also snatched that dream away from my soul mate BikerMan. He loves me and because of that he is denied the right to become a Father, something that I know he would excel at. You’ve not only broken my heart body but you’ve broken his.
My best friend has a daughter who last weekend celebrated her 7th birthday. I too should be a parent to a 7 year old but you body, decided that wasn’t to be, for reasons I’m yet to understand or come to terms with.
I cry regularly now, tears from come from you, body and you know why I’m crying. I’m crying for missed due dates, missed first birthdays, missed the first time a child crawls, walks, talks, getting the first tooth, losing the first tooth, missed first days of school but most of all the silence that comes with never hearing the word Mum being called out to me....
Never again body, shall I take you for granted. Never shall I assume that you will function as you should, never will I hold my breath with hope that I may indeed be knocked up should my period be late. Do you know why? Purely because I have been down that road with you too many times. Never will I look at a BFFP (Big Fat Fucking Positive) again with anything but fear in my eyes. I will instead look at it and wonder how long you will let me live my dream for this time before snatching it away. In fact I’m not even sure if I will look at a BFFP as a positive thing, I’m not sure if I was to get knocked up again if I’d consider that a good thing or a bad thing, a lucky thing or an unlucky thing, a fortunate blessing or an unfortunate blessing and body...that is all because of you...you’ve changed me forever and not for the better....the next time our heart is aching, look deep within yourself to find out why...because you caused the ache....

ICLW - ~Updated~

2009-08-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

So, even though I've been a participant in ICLW before, I will admit that I've been slack and not followed up with the commenting.

This month all that is going to CHANGE.
**Updated**
Last night and tonight (Saturday) I have sat down and commented on every single blog (bar two because of their blog playing up and being password protected) in the IComLeavWe list this month. Thats comments on 144 blogs (not counting the two I couldn't comment on) in 24 hours. My aim was to become an Iron Commentator on my first month of proper comment leaving and I'm so chuffed to have done that. I've come across some really lovely blogs this evening & last night and found quite a few to add to my list for regular reading. I've (hopefully) left some thoughtful and well meaning honest comments on the blogs I've read and all in all it's been a lovely way to spend two evenings.

I wanted my Abridged Version of my Miscarriage History to be the post that other ICLW posters/readers read first but please, I do encourage you to look beyond this first post to my last 5 or so posts on my blog, as recently I've written some posts that I've been really happy with and that have received some varied comments on, that have offered me a different perspective on how I wrote and what I wrote.

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version
"DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks.
The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.

Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks.
Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.

12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time.
I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful.
I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.

I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy.
I will never have a normal pregnancy.
Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.

I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy.
I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come.
Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby.
Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks.
Who rush out to buy baby clothes.
Who scour baby name books.
Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.

Those type of women are the ones I envy. "

What is Wrong With the World?

2009-08-20T06:14:00.000+08:00

I ask this question this morning with two stories in mind.

The first is that Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. How did she become pregnant with her second child? With an embryo that had been frozen for eight years in liquid nitrogen. This in itself is pretty amazing (and completely fucked), what's even more amazing is that she's going to become a Mum for the second time at the ripe ole age of 42 and Rene Angelil (minus all the fancy symbols above his name) will become a Dad at the even riper ole age of 68!?! Thats right, he will face parenthood for a second time as a pensioner.

I'm not sure what everyone else thinks of this but I have a couple of issues with it all.

The first is Rene's age. I'm sorry but just because men can become parents at 68 does not mean that they should. It's just wrong. I doubt that when that child is 3, that a 71 year old Rene will be able to run around after him/her (and yes I know they will probably have a nanny to do that but honestly as a parent, wouldn't he want to run around with his child?). What are the chances that Rene will be around to see his second (or perhaps even his first child) get married? Graduate University? It just doesn't seem right and I have real problems with it when there are so many husbands/partners of people I know who are desperate to become Dads who are in their 20's and 30's, even their early 40's and yet Fatherhood eludes them. I don't want to get into the whole 'who deserves it and who doesn't" or "no one deserves to be a father more than anyone else" but there simply must be questions asked when a man approaching 70 is set to become a Father.

The second is that she got knocked up with sprog with an embryo that is essentially 8 years old and she did it first time! I mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Hardly fair is it? Especially when you don't have to look far around our lil ALI blogosphere to find so many example of women who are trying to get knocked up with 'fresh' embryo's yet aren't successful time and time again. In what warped, fucked up world does a 41 year old woman get knocked up with a 8 year old embryo first time?!?

The second story, has thankfully, been proven to be a hoax, otherwise it could have seriously tipped me over the edge. A woman in Tunisia earlier this week claimed to be knocked up with 12 (yes thats right 12!) babies. 6 girls and 6 boys (how convenient!) and was determined to give birth to them naturally (yeah right). The story has now proven to be false and apparently the woman in question has "psychological problems" and is unlikely even pregnant.

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version

2009-08-19T16:04:00.000+08:00

DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks. The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.

Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks. Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.

12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time. I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful. I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.

I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy. I will never have a normal pregnancy. Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.

I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy. I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come. Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby. Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks. Who rush out to buy baby clothes. Who scour baby name books. Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.

Those type of women are the ones I envy.

Am I A Mum?

2009-08-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

Since my first miscarriage all those years ago, I've often wondered when you get to be classified as a Mum?

Do you have to have had a live breathing baby placed into your arms to be able to classify yourself as a Mum? If you suffer a loss does it depend on the gestation of the pregnancy as to whether you're called a Mum or not? Eg if you suffer a loss at 24 weeks you're considered a Mum but had you suffered a loss at 16 weeks, you're not?

Do those who suffer early miscarriages, say when they are less than 6 weeks along, get the right to call themselves Mums?

Do my 4 miscarriages ranging from 5 weeks along right up to 10 weeks along grant me access to the Mum club? Does the fact that I've never seen a heartbeat on a little tiny grainy screen matter?

Will the fact that I may never hear someone call me "Mum" or say "Muuuuuum" with embarassment mean that I will never be a Member of the most exclusive club in the world?

So can anyone tell me, what classifies a Mum? When do YOU consider someone a Mum? When do you definitely NOT consider someone a Mum? Have you suffered losses, in particular early losses and still consider yourself a Mum?

Everyone should have a Plan B

2009-08-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

Do you have a back up plan? A Plan B?

If everything goes pear shaped, or worse still nothing actually happens do you have something to fall back on? Another plan? Another route? Another thing you can do?

I bring this up because of a quandary I find myself in.

I've wanted to do some study for awhile now. I'm 30 and I've had numerous jobs but nothing thats got me excited in my soul. I currently work in Aged Care looking after the Aged and Frail in their own homes and while I really enjoy it and get ALOT of job satisfaction out of it, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to study but study what? I've thrown a couple of ideas around but they always come back to one of two things...Counselling and then go on to do a Psych Degree =or= Massage, Reiki and Reflexology. The first option was always my favourite choice, I'm a good listener, my friends always come to me for my advice and I enjoy being able to help them out with their problems. For some reason Bikerman doesn't think that I'd make a good Counsellor (though everyone else I've mentioned it to does!) because I'm so opinionated but I disagree with him and I can actually turn my opinions off (but lets not tell him that!).

I've made some enquiries about a course to get a Diploma in Counselling. It's a course done via distance education, it's self paced (though they say you should be able to finish it in 24 months) and to do it would cost me just over $4000AUD. It would be paid monthly at a cost of $189AUD.

I got the information yesterday and really thought hard last night whether to do it or not. This morning, I had an epiphany. What am I waiting for?

I've put my life on hold and not committed to anything "longterm" for near on 10 years no just "in case" I get knocked up with sprog. I didn't want to get knocked up only to say "oh this is is shitty timing beause of x, y or z". And so I committed to nothing.

This morning I thought, what if I get to my 40th birthday (in just under 10 years) and still no children (if thats the case we won't be having any) and I look back on my life and go "what the fuck have I done with the past 40 years?"

I don't want to get to 40 and have no children but nothing else either. I don't want regrets. I need a back up plan and I think I just found one.....

Makeover

2009-08-12T20:59:00.002+08:00

Yet another one....lol yes yes I know, I'm a shocker but what can I say? I like change and get bored easily, heck I'm surprised I've made it to 9 years of marriage and NOT trade in Bikerman for a new sportier model yet!!

I was so chuffed with myself, I wanted to change my font but NOT to one of the boring few that Blogger offers and tonight I finally worked out HOW!?!?! Might seem small to some but for me it was a HUGE feat LOL

So what does everyone think?

Once an Infertile Always an Infertile?

2009-08-08T19:16:00.000+08:00

What do you think?

I debated with my self whether to write this post or not because I fear it may ruffle some feathers and I have NO doubt that I will get some comments completely disagreeing with me but I thought ah fuck it and decided to "put it out there" despite the consequences!

You can blame Murgdans post for stirring my thoughts on this subject and then when Megan followed with her post from Murgdan's post, well it just snowballed!

I was talking to a "friend" (I use that term VERY loosely) last week who made the comment to me that she knew EXACTLY how I was feeling because she had struggled to fall pregnant for a year with her little girl. And just when they were getting completely and utterly mentally and emotionally exhausted with it all, they found out that they were knocked up with sprog.

I, of course, nodded, smiled and thanked her for understanding EXACTLY how I'm feeling after 10 years of trying to get knocked up with sprog and having 4 miscarriages and how it's great to have a "friend" who can totally relate to what I'm going through that I can talk to.

Was that a little heavy in the sarcasm? If so, my apologies, I swear I was as nice as pie to her in real life.

This got me thinking though, as to whether she possibly could know what I was feeling, experiencing or going through? Can someone who's struggled with IF for 1 year, really know what it feels like 9 years later to STILL be having the same struggles?

Or how about someone who's struggled with IF for 5 years?

What about the person who tried one IVF and got knocked up with sprog first try, would she consider herself part of the same community as the person who's tried 5 IVFs and still not got the prize?

Reading the comments on both Murgdans post and Megans post it's very obvious that IF's who are now pregnant still consider themselves to be very much a part of the IF community. As they should of course, it's not as if their IF status magically disappeared once they got knocked up with sprog.

HOWEVER

They are different. They can't not be. If I got knocked up with sprog tomorrow after nearly 10 years ttc, I'd be changed. The one thing I'd yearned for, after so many years, I'd now have. My whole perspective on things would change. I wouldn't view my pregnancy like a fertile does (oh to be that lucky, to actually enjoy 9 months of pregnancy and not worry about every twinge - wouldn't that be bliss?!?) but I wouldn't be wondering where my miracle was anymore.

I wouldn't be stalking the halls of despair constantly looking over my shoulder wondering whether the hall monitor aka depression is about to sneak up on me. Each new pregnancy announcement wouldn't send me into a ball of uncontrollable sobbing. I wouldn't see newborns and then have to wince at that dull ache in my chest that ALWAYS follows a newborn sighting.

So sure, the pregnant Infertile may unfondly remember their struggle to get knocked up with sprog and be able to relate to the struggles of a current infertile but they also now relate to the other Infertiles who have crossed over the other side and of course mixing in with the crossed Infertiles are the fertiles.

I would imagine that once that lil bundle of sprogness is placed in your arms, the months and years that you tried so hard to get knocked up probably go flying out the window. You're grateful and COMPLETELY realise how blessed you have been BECAUSE you were an INFERTILE once but now you're not. You've created a sprog, Infertiles don't create them because they're Infertile. Baby and Infertile are two words that just don't go together.

Now read that paragraph and ask yourself this. Baby and Infertile DON'T go together because if you have the first then you can't be the latter BUT I'm an Infertile but if I got knocked up tomorrow, I would all of a sudden not be classed as an Infertile? WTF

So what does everyone else think? Once an Infertile, always an Infertile? Or does your status change once you've become knocked up with sprog?

Awards

2009-08-07T07:13:00.000+08:00

So after sitting here bitching to myself that no one ever nominates me for ANY awards, I go and get two!!

And so thank you to Mrs Bee over at The Secret Life of Sass and Lex and also to Michelle at To Baby and Beyond you guys ROCK!!

And so I have to now nominate 15 other blogs for this most prestigious of awards....

*Drum roll please*

My nominees are:

Plan B Family of Two

Mon @ Knocked Up Knocked Down

Dana @ One Step At A Time

Against All Odds

Shaz @ Mindful Meandering

Rebecca @ Crazy Lady Ramblings

An Unwanted Path

Nichole @ My Grasp At Sanity

Katie @ Isn't TTC Supposed to be Fun?

The Olsons

Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random

Vee @ The Sweet Life

Gil @ The Hardest Quest

The Life of Liv

Rachel @ Just What I Always Wanted

Climbing Back on The Train

2009-08-01T20:59:00.000+08:00

Ok.....so after getting off the train and trying my absolute darnest to move forward with my life and convince myself that I didn't need to have children in order to live a happy life...I've finally slapped myself and woken up to the fact that as much as I want to believe that thinking, I can't.

I can no longer deny that I want a sprog. I want to be knocked up with sprog. As much as I try to convince myself that this dream isn't NOT a necessity for me, for us, that I'd be fine, upset for awhile BUT fine if we don't become, parents, I'm not and I won't be.

And so I've decided that it's time to climb back on the train and ride it for a little while longer, hoping beyond hope that one of the stations that it stops at is "Baby for Mr and Mrs Bikerman".

Now this decision is NOT made lightly and it IS made with some conditions attached to it but it is made out of me wanting to keep my sanity intact and the ability to move forward rather than keep treading water while feeling like I'm drowning, which is what I've felt like I've been doing since my last miscarriage in Feb.

In order for me to even slightly be able to move on from ttc, I need to give it one more shot. And so I'm giving it 11 months. 334 [approx] days in order to get knocked up with a sprog. Gee when I put it out there like that, it sounds so easy LOL. Come the end of June next year, if we have not been successful, then so be it. It WILL be hard, it will be challenging and it will be upsetting and sad if we do have to walk away from ttc without being successful but I need my sanity back and I need to be able to at least start on the road to healing but not before I give it another crack. Not to mention that in 11 months, I will be 31 and DH will be 41 and while it may be fine for some to keep trying into their 40's I know it's something DH struggles with and it would be extremely selfish of me to expect him to continue trying beyond a point where he isn't comfortable in doing so.

I'm coming up to the part of my cycle that Bikerman and I should be getting freaky (I've already warned him, his quaking in his boots I tell ya!).

Next week I'm making enquiries into hiring a treadmill. Everytime I feel like eating choccie and anything else that tastes devine but is bad for me, I shall instead, walk my lil booty off on the treadmill.

This will not only improve my health but it will shrink my booty and hopefully increase my chances of getting knocked up and having a viable pregnancy.

Virtual Hugs for a Fellow Blogger

2009-08-01T19:03:00.000+08:00

I have a request that you all go and visit Jen at Prior Fat Girl and leave some kind words and a virtual hug.

She lost her Mum (very unexpectantly) when she was hit by a car. Please let her know that she's not alone in her time of need and that there are people all over the world thinking of her.

Dear Dad.....

2009-07-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

I miss you so very much.

It's been just over a year since you passed over and left us with a gaping hole in our lives. The world was robbed of a wonderful man when you left us. You time was far too short and your battle over too quickly (tho thankfully you are now no longer in pain and can breath easy).

Most days I'm fine, others I think of you at the strangest times. You are always in my thoughts and constantly in my heart.

I know that you're still with me, I can feel you and sense you and you make yourself known to me by things only I would pick up on...like the smell of your old work bag, it brings back so many happy memories and yet my eyes are pricked with sadness when I remember them.

Just like it did on the day of your funeral...this song will now always bring tears to my eyes...

I love you Dad and miss you so very very much.

xxxx

Welcome to Childlessville - Population 1

2009-07-27T18:26:00.000+08:00

I knew the day would come. No really I did. I had hoped that some miracle maker would decide to throw me a bone or in my case a little bundle of growing cells but failing that, I KNEW that this day would be inevitable.

Last week, my last childless friend became a Mum. No more childless friends for me. Waving the flag, manning the emergency services and holding government for Childlessville is...well me. I am it. The last resident. The one among us who founded Childlessville and has been trying the longest to leave it, is ironically to become its longest and last resident.

Like Paris Hilton dining with the Royal Famly, I feel an outcast. I was once part of the normal brigade and as I notice the letters a and b being added to the normal banner flying above my head, I find myself in unchartered territory.

My days of long coffees while catching up on the events of life are gone. I will now struggle to hold the attention of a friend, instead our conversations will be peppered with drooling babies, crying toddlers and bored 6 years olds. Sleeves will be tugged, tantrums will be performed for everyones viewing pleasure and any plans a friend and I make may be liable to be changed at the last minute on the whim of a offsprings 'mood' that day.

Of course if I was not a resident of Childlessville all this would not bother me. I would share a giggle and one of 'those' smiles with my 'with child' friends and give a sympathetic "I know, understand and have been there"nod.

However I AM a resident of Childlessville and so my perspective is somewhat tainted. I wish it wasn't but it is.

I think my residency of Childlessville is made worse because unlike alot of the previous residents, I do not have children in my life on a regular basis. I don't have nephews or nieces or young cousins. My former fellow residents of course do have children but they tend to flock together. You know, why hang out with the dried up childless friend when time can be spent with friends with children? They can sit together and chat about subjects related to children, while they smile as their offspring eats it's own boogers, wondering how they managed to produce such a gorgeous obviously talented little person.

My currest status as a resident of Childlessville reminds me of when Miranda in Sex and the City had Brady. Her friends tried to fit her new found status of Mother and Brady into their lives but they struggled. I feel like my friends aren't even trying.

Even Samantha tried.

Why?

2009-07-15T21:49:00.000+08:00

Why?

For such a little word, it carries some big consequences. Why? can deliver wonderful news or it can deliver disasterous news. It can tell you what you already know or it can shock the shit out of you with it's answer.

Unfortunately it can also leave you none the wiser.

I went to visit a very dear friend today. We spent some time overseas together and she's been one of, if not THE greatest friend I've ever had. We've laughed together, we've been sad together and unfortunately we've also fallen out too and didn't speak for nearly 8 years (misunderstanding thanks to a meddling 3rd party) BUT we're back to being friends again, the past is just that, the past and we're intent on focusing on the future.

She's struggled to have a much longed for baby too. For the past two years she's had lets say reproductive issues and finally, earlier this year, she told me she was pregnant. She is now two weeks from delivering her (no doubt) gorgeous baby boy and I honestly could NOT be any happier for her if I tried. She is going to be an amazing Mum and I can't wait to share that experience with her.

As I stood in her kitchen today watching her sisters kids play outside with her partner, I felt a pang of "will I ever get to see BikerMan do that with our own children?" and it was immediately followed by a sharp pain in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach and for the first time ever, I truly felt myself feel that word NO form in my brain and slowly descend through my body where it came to rest right in the pit of my stomach.

I stood in that kitchen for 10 minutes nodding and laughing with my friend and her sister, watching the kids and laughing, cooing over her sisters youngest who already has such a cheeky personality and all the while I'm fighting the tear ducts in my eyes and so far winning the fight.

In between fighting with my tear ducts and trying to negotiate with the NO sitting in the pit of my stomach, I somehow let my mind wander and find the word WHY? forming in my head.

A few random Why? questions at first...

Why? do some only have to look at their partner and find themselves knocked up?
Why? are those who drink like lizards and take drugs like a junkie always end up being blessed with a child?
Why? do those same drinking lizards and junkie drug takers not see how lucky they are to have been blessed with a child?
Why? does the universe make the females who always yell at their children when out in public and make out as if their child is the biggest inconvenience ever, mothers?
Why? do these same mothers even have children if all they do is yell and seemingly resent the child?
Why? do people complain about this ache or that pain during pregnancy? Did they not realise that pregnancy was NOT going to be an all day picnic? After all they ARE growing another human being in there.

And then the Why? questions become more personal.

Why? am I standing in this kitchen feeling so sad and very alone in my battle against my bodies pitfalls?
Why? after 10 years, am I the only one in this kitchen, that parenthood still seems so far out of reach that no amount of stretching or ladders will help me reach it?
Why? can I not be happy with my lot in life?
Why? am I standing here wishing and wanting for what 'they' have?
Why? can they have it and yet I cannot?
Why? am I being punished in this horrible cruel heartless way, what good comes from depriving me my chance to be a Mother?

As the laughter surrounded me and the smiles flowed freely, I stood there willing myself to come up with answers, even just one, to these Why? questions and yet not one answer was forthcoming. I was losing the battle of the tear ducts and I could feel the NO wanting to burst through my body and spill out of my mouth.

I said my goodbyes and escaped to my car. I managed to drive around the corner before pulling over and promptly burst into tears. The tears flowed. And then they flowed some more. And still more came.

I had just been spectator to my perfect life. I'm not greedy, all I've ever wanted is a baby. Thats right I'd be happy with just one, for me 'our family' will be complete with just one. If two came along great, three brilliant but I'm not greedy and one would be a blessing. BikerMan + Me + Baby = 100% family happiness.

I've had a few people this week comment to me that they really couldn't understand what I'm going through or what I'm feeling and that they have no idea how they would deal with infertility and I truly hope they don't have to know how they'd know because I'd hate for anyone to have to deal with the misery that is infertility and fertility issues, too many already do and we do not need more joining our Silent Sorority.

I didn't know how to answer these people who made these comments to me but I've been thinking about it. Fertility and Infertility affects us all on so many different levels. It's not just about not being ABLE to get pregnant, it's about getting pregnant and then not being able to HOLD ONTO a pregnancy; needing IVF or a multitude of other procedures just to have a hope of becoming a Mum - coupled with no gaurantee that ANY procedure will actually work; getting pregnant only to experience a stillbirth; giving birth to a child only to have it die minutes, hours, days, weeks or months later.

It is all that, coupled with drugs pumping through your veins and then the emotional and mental side of things too.

For me it's not just about the four babies that I've lost, the missed EDD or the dates that first birthday's should have been happening on, it's about dealing with the thoughts that go through my brain daily of how my body has let me down just when I needed it to step up to the plate. It's not doing the one thing, as a female body, that it should be doing above all else. I was put on this earth to create life and yet my body is failing me and in the process making me feel like a fraud, a failure.

Add on top of that the fact that my body, is also denying BikerMan the opportunity to be the amazing Dad that I know he would be. My body has let my husband down, I've let my husband down. The man who would do ANYTHING for me, provide me everything I'm ever likely to need. By loving me, by wanting to be with me, he doesn't get to be a Dad and even if I can get my head around everything else, I will NEVER be able to get my head around how loving someone completely and truly can stop you from achieving your dream.

And there is yet another Why? question......

Evian....

2009-07-11T17:29:00.000+08:00

I saw this and it made me smile and giggle more than anything has done for quite some time. I like the total sense of happiness the whole clip has about it.....sheer enjoyment and it embodies what being a kid is all about, being totally fearless because I believe if these babies could actually do what they do in the video clip in real life....they would!

Oh to be a kid again and have that fearlessness that makes every corner you go round a possible new wonderful adventure just waiting to be started!

Healing...its time.

2009-07-10T07:22:00.000+08:00

My lack of blogging has been because I'm just not in the right headspace to put words on a screen.

Normally blogging helps me clear my head, gets rid of the cobwebs and helps me in the grief process but at the minute I'm running from it clear in the opposite direction and I'm not sure why.

This post by Sharon a couple of weeks ago got me thinking and has made me wonder whether or not I should start getting back into the spiritual side of things again in order to help me deal with what I'm feeling at the minute.

I've been looking at religion in a new light recently and have been wondering if it will help ease my pain, help me deal with my grief and get my life back on track.

I suppose when I say religion I should clarify that I don't do Christianity, I have nothing against people who do follow the Christian faith but it's not for me.

I have leanings more towards Buddhism. I'm going to try to incorporate some meditation in my daily routine as of next week, take time for me and start to appreciate every day things on a daily basis.

I'm also thinking about going to an Intuitive Healer as Sharon did.

The Sisterhood

2009-07-05T06:26:00.000+08:00

I have only one request today. And that is that you head over to Shalini's blog and leave some supportive comments for her......that's it.

No Michael Jackson = No Baby

2009-07-03T12:39:00.000+08:00

Seriously.

I lifted this off whythefuckdoyouhaveakid and couldn't believe what I was reading!

Funnily enough this question has been deleted off Yahoo! Answers, I wonder why and I wonder if the chick who posted it has been sectioned yet?

Funk

2009-07-02T03:25:00.000+08:00

I want to give one but honestly I don't have one.

Writer's block, laziness, lack of wanting to blog. I'm just going thro a funk right now and honestly who wants to read a blog that's mostly going to be dribble?

One thing I will comment on tho since I'm sitting up at 3.26am tapping away on my laptop in bed, is that there seems to be another pregnancy tsunami hitting the ALI community. I have had at least 8 'announcement' posts in my blog roll in the past week!

I always glance over my blog roll before clicking on a blog, just to see if I can guess what the author has written about before I read it and every single recent announcement I've managed to guess before I've even read their post LOL not too sure whether that makes me psychic or everyone needs to be more creative in their blog post titles LOL

Quick question....what does everyone think of knocked up's complaining about every little thing related to their pregnancy? Recently I've come across alot of this, from bitchin about morning sickness (I'll happily trade places with you - no honestly I really will), to getting a itty bitty lil belly on them (you're growing a baby, surely you knew this was going to happen?) and my favourite at the minute is not being able to fit into their favourite shoes - seriously. I couldn't resist not commenting on that one and happily offered the Mum to be that was complaining, an endless supply of new shoes to swap places with her and that I'd happily give up ever being able to fit into ANY shoe to be in her place....it hit home because she said she totally understood where I was coming from but still....

I don't begrudge these Mum to be's right to complain I just think sometimes they forget how many thousands upon thousands of women would eagerly swap places with them. Having a baby seems to have been taken for granted by so many for so long, few appear to realise what a true blessing and total miracle it is TO get knocked up.

Project 31 The List

2009-06-25T08:57:00.001+08:00

So the list has finally been compiled.

It's a mixture of physical things to do in order to get me out of my rut but also things that I feel I need to do in order to get my head and mind in a good space and allow myself to "grow". Wow doesn't that sound very new age-y!

I will be updating the Project 31 blog on a regular basis as I both strive to achieve all my 31 things and as I do each one of them.

I'd love your input and comments on my progress, my readers make my blogs so worthwhile!

You can check the list out right here

Show and Tell - My 30th

2009-06-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

I haven't participated in a Show and Tell for awhile now but think it's about time that I throw myself into it again and I have a cracker for my return! Once you've finished, how about heading over to Mel's to see what the rest of the class is showing?

So it was my 30th yesterday and honestly I feel absolutely no freakin different, I don't even feel like I've aged a day, no matter a whole year!

We had a party on Saturday night just gone. Nothing fancy, just very relaxed. Invited a few friends and some family. The weather did NOT participate on the night, it was bucketing down with rain, gale force winds and thunder and lightening came to the party too....hey they didn't want to miss out on the cake ya know? Despite all this, we managed to not only stay dry and warm (because it was freaking cold!) but we also had a blast.

It was my Mum and Dads 38th Wedding Anniversary on the Friday (the day before) and so of course my Mum wasn't in that great a place BUT luckily my Godmother was also there and when her and my Mum get together....well lets just say laugh riot would be a good way to describe it. They've known each other longer than I've been alive, and are a rotten influence on each other which of course means it's freakin fabulous when they get together! The wine followed, the laughter was loud and Mum was happy or as happy as she possibly could be given the cirumstances.

I got some awesome pressies, not that I was expecting anything to be honest, I didn't invite people for their gift giving abilities and would have been happy for them just to turn up but hey who am I kidding, a great gift is always going to be well received!

My best pressie though was from Bikerman....he truly spoilt me this year....

He had told me that he wanted to buy me a ring for my birthday and so we had gone out looking a couple of weeks ago, thinking it would take us awhile to find the "perfect" ring.

It did take us awhile but not as long as we were expecting!

We found this little beauty and as soon as I tried it on, knew it was "the one". It was and is absolutely breathtaking on and just sparkles!

It's an 18 carat gold ring with nearly a full carat of princess cut diamonds.

It cost more than any other piece of jewellery I own, including my engagement and eternity rings and I absolutely LOVE IT!

Whats been hard is knowing that it's been sitting in his drawer and that I haven't been able to wear it for nearly a month! Bikerman told me that I could wear it as soon as we bought it but it just didn't seem right, so we packed it away and he gave it back to me the night before my party.

I've been spoilt, there is no doubt about it and I know how very lucky I am.....even if we can't add a piece to the puzzle that is our family....at least we, as two, managed to find each other in amongest all the other puzzles pieces in the world and wouldn't you know it? We fit perfectly together.....

XXX

2009-06-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

I could say 30 but I think XXX sounds cooler..makes me sound like a super hero or something!

In approximately 1 hour and 34 minutes (NOT that I'm counting or anything - seriously I'm not!) I am going to turn XXX. I will begin my 4th decade of life.

My 31st year on planet Earth will be an exciting one I've decided, full of new challenges and experiences that I've never done before.

I've also decided that its the year that I shed my fat ass and get my hot bod that I've always wanted; lose my negative outlook on life and acquire a positive one and just lived. Didn't live each day for A purpose or to strive towards A goal but in fact just "lived" and enjoyed each day.

Subsequently, my blog will become a "living with no children" blog. I'm not NOT trying, but I'm not trying either, what will be will be and my life will be ALOT better for making that decision. Bikerman and I will go back to being just us, not us hoping to achieve a viable pregnancy. I need to free myself from this weight that has been hanging around my neck for too long. I am and always will be part of the IF community and will continue to read blogs BUT I won't let them control my thoughts or feelings. You know when you read blog after blog and everyone is either struggling with getting pregnant or dealing with loss etc etc and you find yourself getting caught up in it all and it drags you down too? Well not anymore. I will read and relate but also do it detached and removed from it all. I've been there and I've let it take over my life and I can't let it happen anymore, so my friends I will happily read your blogs and offer support and words of comfort when I can and when they are needed BUT I won't take the problems on board which I normally do....thats the problem with being a sensitive soul!

I will still blog about IF from time to time but these posts will also be mixed in with everyday "normal" posts. I hope this doesn't mean that I will lose readers, in fact I hope it means that I will gain some new ones!

I value ALL my readers and really appreciate it when you take time to post comments, it means alot.

Lost

2009-06-19T06:43:00.000+08:00

This may sound silly but the reason why I haven't blogged for well over a week is because I feel, well, umm lost. I want to blog but I don't feel like I belong in the IF community. I do not know why because I have still experienced 4 miscarriages (IF only we could wipe those kinds of things from our past eh?), still been ttc to get knocked up and STAY knocked up for 10 years and still want a bubba but I'm feel very removed from the whole world that is the IF blogosphere.

Since I closed my last blog down I haven't really had the same readership and I DO miss that. I miss the comments, I miss the feeling of belonging in the IF world. I know we don't really WANT to belong in the IF community but if we do find ourselves in the horrible world of IF, then it's nice to know that we can suround ourselves with others who are going through similar things to us and that helps ease the pain and burden of carrying such wounds and experiences on our shoulders and forever in our hearts.

Restlessness is a major part of my personality, I always feel the urge to move, to be wherever I am not and to be anywhere but where I am. I get bored easily and need change frequently (the change of my blog design so frequently should tip you off on that one!) and I'm feeling the need to change my blog. In some way, any way, it needs to be shaken up to get me back on track for "fitting in" again. It will always be somewhat IF focussed but I think it needs to be that and more....hmmm thinking cap time!

Crash.....

2009-06-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

Yup thats me hitting the grief wall. It's taken near on 12 months to hit but it's hit.

How do you explain to people that just because you were strong at the time and supported everyone else grieving doesn't mean that you're not alright now and actually aren't coping with the rapidly approaching first year anniversary of your fathers death, which happens to be the day after your birthday?

How do you fight the way through the fog that feels like it's choking you?

How do you get through each day?

How do you even exist?

Project 31

2009-06-03T15:30:00.000+08:00

I'm 30 three weeks today. Eeeeek!

To be honest I'm not actually scared of the number because after all it IS just that, a number. I'm more scared of what 30 represents. It feels like a changing of the guard. I've moved the "goal" posts so many times already and yet here I am moving them again. Instead of having at least one child by my 30th I'll have none and instead be contemplating whether or not to even bother to try for one anymore.

My upcoming 30th is also making me look back on the last 10 years of my life and wondering what the hell have I been up to for 10 years? Do you ever look at your life and think, ugh rut or what?

My life has no oomph!

I've never skydived or bungee jumped, I've had no "capers" (caÂ·per - A frivolous escapade or prank.) to speak of. I think life should be filled with capers and yet I've had none, not a one!

And so I came up with Project 31.

In my 31st year (which I will enter the day after my 30th) I want to accomplish at least 31 things. 31 things I've never done before. 31 things I've probably never thought to do before. 31 things I've thought to do before and then dismissed them because I'm not "crazy enough" (read scared, lazy OR boring) to do them.

I have a start on the list and some things in mind BUT I'm also looking for suggestions for what else should make the list, and ask for you all the rack your brains as to what would be on YOUR list should you make one. It can be anything (as long as it's not illegal!) and everything.

Please head over to Project 31, I've listed an email addy which you can send your suggestions to and after I've made the first post on the blog later today you can always leave suggestions on the comment section.

I'm looking forward to reading everyone's suggestions!

Trying to Move Forward While Walking Backwards.....

2009-05-29T14:04:00.000+08:00

...it doesn't work. Trust me.

I'm dealing with ALOT of issues at the moment, some of which I've kind of touched on in this blog, other's I'm not yet ready to share but lets just say they shake me to my core and really make me doubt myself and who I am.

As my 30th approaches with tentative steps (I think it can sense I'm a tad vulnerable and doesn't want to do anything to spook me), it has polarised my way of thinking of where I am in life. On one hand I am probably doing alot better than alot of people my age. BikerMan and I are paying off two homes, have got good jobs, have nice things and if we want something, we can usually get it. We appear to be in an enviable position. On the other we aren't travelling and we don't have children. To me it's always been an either or with travelling and children and at the minute it's neither.

I realise that to move forward, I need to put these things behind me and leave them there. Realise that we've managed to get pregnant 4 times and unfortunately miscarry every single one of them. There is nothing I can do to change that, it's happened, it's done, I can't undo the past, I can only come to terms with it and adopt a Cest la vie attitude to it because if I do not it will drive me insane (tho that won't be a far drive!). The same thing with the travel, we are not in a position to travel at the minute, so be it, deal, drop it and move forward, Cest la vie.

Now lets look at why I struggle to deal, drop it and move forward.

With my last two miscarriages, I've had people who have fallen and been due at the same time as I would have been. It's hard to grieve for a pregnancy loss and put it behind you when you're being constantly reminded of what someone else is going to have that you're not because it was taken away from you. 3rd miscarriage, it was one person who was due the same time as I.

This last miscarriage, I know of at least 5 people who are due either the week before I would have been, the week I would have been or the week after I would have been. FIVE!!!! One in particular, I'm being updated on a regular basis of how her pregnancy is travelling.

I'm happy for her (pls believe me when I this because I truly am) but it's hard when people say to her "Oh it's such a magical experience" and "there is nothing better in life than holding your baby for the first time and knowing you're a Mum". These people know what I've been through and what I'm still going through and their comments hurt even though I know that it would probably upset them to know that their simple happy wishes to this other woman are meant from their heart and are NOT said to hurt me in anyway.

And honestly what kind of a heartless cow would I be to say "hey guys when you go on about how great it's going to be for her to be a Mum, it feels like you're rubbing my nose in it - without actually meaning to!" ? The answer is I would be a 100% heartless cow and no way would I ever say it, so instead I just keep these toxic thoughts in my head, let them sometimes spill out into the blogosphere and every so often tell myself that, despite what I may think, I'm very blessed in alot of ways....

On second thoughts....

2009-05-27T06:41:00.003+08:00

I decided to delete my last blog entry. It just DIDN'T come across as I WANTED it to and I wasn't happy with it, so off it went to bloggy entry heaven!

Ok, dividing and conquering

2009-05-22T20:57:00.000+08:00

Ok I must explain the last post.

I know BikerMan loves me to death, I have no doubts about that whatsoever. I do have doubts about myself though, which in turns makes me doubt his love for me, even though there should be absolutely no doubts there whatsoever. Confused? Me too. Ok I have NO doubt of his love for me but when I start doubting myself I start to THINK that there doubts about his love for me when in reality there are none. It's just my mind fucking me over as per usual, it's nothing new, believe me.

I find myself putting myself down constantly lately and this makes my mind wonder as to whether or not Bikerman settled when he married me. Perhaps if he had married someone else perhaps he'd be a Dad now? Instead he's stuck with someone who loves him but appears to be a barren bitch! LOL. Poor him, yes throw him all your sympathy - he needs it! (Or he will tell you he does LOL)

My last post also came about because I know that BikerMan does find the exact opposite to what I am attractive. He prefers slim women, with small boobs and great legs. I'm fat, with huge knockers and I have the most horrible legs ever!!!!! You really can't get any more opposite than that, well actually you could but I'd have to be a man!

I agree with those who commented and said I should only change for me and I agree, when I change (which I will) it will be done purely for me, that I can promise you. However it will be in the back of my mind that when I do manage the change that BikerMan will find me more attractive than he has for the past couple of years. I'm not sure why that bothers me but it does.

We actually had an indepth conversation the other day about my reluctance related to horizontal activities and I finally managed to vocalise (and admit it to myself) the fact that I'm scared.

I'm scared that I might fall pregnant again, even though this is my goal. I'm scared that if I fall pregnant again, I'll suffer my yet another miscarriage. I know I can't let fear rule my life and I'm also completely aware that unless I embrace that fear and that risk of miscarriage, then I'll NEVER get knocked up with sprog again but it's such a huge fear to get past and I don't believe that anyone can understand that fear unless they've had a miscarriage themselves.

Unfortunately I know too many of my IF sisters who will completely understand that fear.......

One day at a time right?

Complete Opposite of Everything.....

2009-05-20T06:37:00.000+08:00

.....that I am.

What do you do when someone, likes everything that is the complete opposite of everything you are?

How do you deal with that?

How do you reconcile with the image of you being the complete opposite of the image they want you to be PHYSICALLY and emotionally?

They still love you BUT the attraction would be stronger if you were everything that you're currently not.

As if my head wasn't fucked enough. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now I'm going to have to deal with it all while I do a complete character and body overhaul.....nothing like a challenge eh?

The Dark Times Are a Comin

2009-05-18T06:19:00.000+08:00

I haven't been happy for awhile. This should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me but apparently it has.

I feel like I'm walking, walking, walking down the pathway of life and literally not moving, not going anywhere, standing completely still. No matter how MUCH I walk or how FAST I walk, I'm still in the same place.

How do you grasp your life not being what I want it to be but also not able to be what I want it to be if it can't be the first thing I want it to be? Confused? So am I. Trust me.

So we have the mortgage (two mortgages actually), the personal loan, the house, the homely feel but no "family". And yes I'm defining family as a husband and wife and child(ren).

I always said I wanted either or. I wanted the white picket fence, the children, the dogs etc etc or I wanted the freedom of travel, not being tied down to one place, being free to explore the world at a moments notice. I have neither. We have part of the first want but not the major parts eg the children, which would be the part which would tie us down to one place. Because we have the mortgage, the house and the dogs, we ARE tied down to the one place. And yet because the MAJOR part of that equation is missing, all I want to do is have ALL of the second want. The freedom, the travel, the nomad lifestyle.

Please don't take this post as me complaining about being Infertile and not being able to carry a pregnancy beyond 7 or 8 weeks because even though that IS part of this post, it is not the main part of it.

I'm stuck between two worlds. I am happy to be part of either of the worlds, the frustrating part is that I'm NOT part of either. I'm in this black hole, this vortex and I'm NO closer to moving towards either world.

I feel like my life has NO purpose. I'm drifting from one day to the next, watching friends and family and friends of friends and friends in the blogospher reach their goals, lead their fulfilling lives and everyday is the same for me. I get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, tidy the house, go to sleep and then do the same thing over again the next day.

To say that I am stuck in a rut is over simplyfying it. It is more than a rut. I feel like I'm getting sucked into a black hole and while it flings me out into an unknown vortex, it's also sucking the life out of me, I feel as though I'm collapsing into myself and as much as I claw at the blackness of space that surrounds me, I can't get out.

The knock on effect of this is that it's creating a me thats not a very nice person to be around. I'm unhappy, moody, snapping, depressed and above all extremely ANXIOUS. The anxiousness is particularly worrying me and it's affecting nearly every aspect of my life.

I know that the above is not the only reason why I'm turning into the depressed, anxious bitch of a wife from hell. My 30th birthday is next month and even though the age aspect of it isn't bothering me, the fact that my life is nowhere I expected it to be by this age IS. I'm afraid that as I reach this age, the possibility of changing the course of my life is diminishing and I may miss out of my chance of doing it all.

It does not help either that the day before my birthday is the one year anniversary of my beloved Dads passing over. I have still not yet properly grieved for him and that worries me too. I know when the time is right FOR ME, that I will grieve for him but until then I feel like not only a ticking time bomb waiting for it to hit me but also a complete failure and fraud for it not happening as of yet.

I can feel that the dark times are a comin....if they haven't already arrived.

Oh my....it's been how long?

2009-05-16T07:23:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile hasn't it?

To be honest, I just haven't felt like blogging, I do not know why, all I know is that the words and thoughts haven't been flowing and without them, well my blog is pretty boring!

I HAVE been keeping up with everyone elses news tho and reading blog after blog, so don't fear, even though I'm not posting, doesn't mean I'm not reading your blogs because I am.

A trend I have noticed recently is how many IFer's have been getting knocked up with Sprog. There seems to be another tsunami of pregancies hitting the world at the minute and not only that but an IF tsunami of pregnancies, I can count at least 7 that I know of......

It's at times like these that I sit and think who decides who's turn it is to fall pregnant. Why did X fall pregnant now when Y has been trying for longer? And Z, well they've been trying even longer than X and Y put together and they've tried every treatment under the sun so why are they not yet knocked up?

Why does one person to deserve or earn the right to be a parent over someone else? Is there any reasoning for it or is it pure luck?

I look at my friends and people I know through other people and I can pick out who really shouldn't be a parent. Some for glaringly obvious reasons, others for reasons that you'd really have to look for but they are there. And then I look at the few people who I do know who desperately want to become parents and would be absolutely freaking amazing parents and yet they are denied that opportunity and I really can't wrap my brain around it.

It's thoughts like these and examples like these that back up my lack of belief in God. How can he be true if he lets people who really shouldn't be parents have children and those who would make excellent parents not be? But then I think who is he to decide who should experience parenthood? Who am I for that matter?

And then I take a step back, and realise how fucked up my brain is and that I've wasted yet another hour thinking about things that I will never understand and will never find the answer too!

The Other Blog

2009-05-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

Oh my, it's been nearly a full week since my last post, how slack of me!! Anyone would think that I had a life outside of the blogosphere, which trust me, I do not.

This past week has brought some home truths to my attention. In fact the past two weeks have been very eye opening for me and even though my thoughts and feelings are still extremely muddled and all over the place, I feel like at least I'm heading in the kind of roundabout right direction. I'm not sure the road is the right road but I figure as long as I'm heading in the right direction, even if I am on the wrong road, I can always take a side street and pick up another road further down the track, right?

My Dr referred me for further testing in relation to recurrent miscarriages, you know with my body deciding pregnancy apparently wasn't right for it 4 times over, you'd think it would have learnt after the first time and stopped itself from getting knocked up wouldn't you? But nooooo, not my body it likes to be provocative!

So I got the paperwork back about this further testing, it's at one of the major public hospitals in our city and because it's "public" there is a waiting list. They want to send me for more tests before they will even see me for my first appointment there BUT they were kind enough to send me a nice thick booklet on what I can expect from their program and my future appointment. There was also a nice list of who they won't accept on the program. If you're over 40, sorry no we want nothing to do with you. Already have children? Sorry nope we have no interest in you either. Fat? Go back to the fat farm fatty, we have no time for you.

Muggins here falls into the last catergory. I have to lose weight before they will even see me for my first appointment. And so because of that, I see no point in subjecting myself to more tests if I can't have my first appt before I lose weight.

AND SO......

Exercise weightloss has begun - kinda!

Next week will be my first whole week without any chocolate at all - oh the horror! I feel like I should be washing my own mouth out for that comment LOL that is how much I love chocolate. I think though, that I love my life, my health and my future more.

I'm also in the process of trying to twist BikerMan's arm to let me get a treadmill. I would happily walk on one of those for hours while watching a movie etc etc or listening to music and it would mean that come Winter - which we are heading into, I could still walk to my hearts content without risk of getting drenched!

Once I get my weight under control, my self esteeem will start to return, my head space will clear (I have so much of it LOL) and I'll start to feel better about myself. Once I'm feeling better about myself, anything will be possible.

I'm giving myself to the end of the year to lose the weight.

Come Christmas, I want to weigh around 90kg's (or just under 200lbs).

Typing those numbers is theraputic, though it has made me realise how fucking fat I've become! LOL

And so even though I will be sharing my weightloss journey within this blog, I also have a dedicated weightloss blog too, click here to read and please feel free to drop by some time!

Mothers Day....and Why I Started This Blog

2009-05-04T06:30:00.000+08:00

Ok so in just under a weeks time, it will be Mothers Day and it will be another that I am not a Mother for. It hurts I won't deny that, when it should getting easier, it appears to be getting harder. And no I'm not talking about not being an actual Mum on Mothers Day. What I am referring to is remembering that I have lost babies. Mother's Day brings these losses home to me, hard, every year.

Come next Sunday I should have been entering my 16th week of pregnancy. I am clinging to these dates rather sadly and pathetically for this pregnancy loss for reasons I'm not quite sure of. Perhaps I want to beat myself up about? Make myself feel even worse than I already do? I'm not sure.

This leads me (what a segway eh?) to why I decided to start a new blog. After I got lampooned, I took a step back and actually read my own blog. I read the words I'd typed, the thoughts I'd put onto the screen and saw through to see the real me and how I was (or wasn't) handling everything. One thing that I related to when I got lampooned was a follow up post they wrote and these words in particular:-

"The problem with the defense that stories need to be told is that many stories hurt the teller by allowing them to constantly rehearse negative emotions and build up a sense of martyrdom and entitlement. Venting does not lead to release. It leads to fixation."

It is totally 100% correct - for me, in my case. Now for some that might not be the case, but I found that the more IF stories I read, the deeper the depression plunge became. The more I read, the more upset at my own situation I became. Everytime I logged onto my blog and not only read my own words and typed out new thoughts but also read everyone elses words and stories and thoughts and struggles with feelings, I found myself becoming obssessed by my situation.

My Infertility had defined me. And it was a horrible horrible feeling. No matter what was happening in my life, I was allowing myself to experience it as an Infertile and that thought was always at the front of my mind. I wasn't just losing my Dad, I was losing my Dad as an Infertile. I wasn't just miscarrying, I was miscarrying as an Infertile. I was just becoming unemployed, I was becoming unemployed as an Infertile.

It was time to stop. Yes I suffer from Infertility but it does not define me. I am MUCH more than my Infertility. I am happy to talk and blog about my struggles with Infertility and how it does affect me but will I let it get on top of me and become the ONLY thing my life is about? No. Will I let it infiltrate every facet of my life? Absolutely not. Will I let it intrude on my marriage? Not anymore......

What happens when you life doesn't plan out as planned.....

2009-04-29T06:46:00.000+08:00

Remember when you were a kid? People would ask you what you wanted to be when you grow up?

I could never just answer one thing because there was always a miriad of things I wanted to be, to do, to see.

There was always two things that I never wanted to happen though. I never wanted to get married and I never wanted children, I was pretty vocal about both of those things from an early age. I wasn't the marrying kind and I certainly didn't want any screaming sprogs of my own.

Then I met, BikerMan and of course all that flew out the window.

I fell in love, hard and completely, after all how could I not? He's my soul.mate.

Then the bastard domesticated me. Made me want to keep house, clean up after him, make him cuppa's, cook for him, I will never forgive him for that LOL!

It was around this stage (about 6 months into our relationship) that I developed a yearning to want to produce offspring with him. I wanted mini relica's of him running around, I wanted to produce something that WE created. And so the obssession with TTC and getting knocked up began.

I had never up to this point, planned my life out by saying I want to be married by 26 and be popping out my first no latter than 28 and hopefully have two sprogs by my 30th. When I met BikerMan, I did. I was married at 21 and thought wow, this is cruising along, we should have a couple of sprogs by the time I'm 25! How foolish of me LOL. When 25 arrived and passed, I decided by 30 I'd have a sprog....

Well I turn 30 in just under two months and you know what, unless there is some whizz bang new treatment that gets you knocked up, squeezes 9 months of development in the womb down to a month, well I don't think I'm going to make that deadline!

And guess what?

I don't care. I'm about to embark on being a pillion passenger Biker Chick, having a sprog might cramp my style!

Life doesn't always work out how WE want it to but you will find that it DOES work out (it has for me!), you just have to want to let it......

Who Am I?

2009-04-27T13:58:00.000+08:00

Some of you know me, others do not.

The info on my sidebar should give you a pretty good rundown on what I'm all about but in case it doesn't here it comes.....

I'm approaching my 30's, with rapid speed I might add.

I AM indeed married to my soul.mate ~ he shall be known as BikerMan. We got engaged after a month of doing the long distance weekend commute relationship, so technically, we got engaged after spending only 8 days together. We got married within 11 months of meeting each other. We've been together for 10 years and married for 9 this year. We started playing the "lets hope the sperm meets the egg" game somewhere in between both.

In our 10 years together, we have moved from one side of the world to other. Stopped speaking to some family, starting speaking to other family and lost much loved family members along the way.

We've lived in many houses, made new friends, treasured old ones and have two dogs and countless fish. We've had a few different jobs, borrowed money and paid money back. We've been on holiday and we've renovated our home. We've bought new cars and got rid of old ones. We live in a sunny warm climate & have another house in a colder climate on an island.

Somewhere in the mix of all that, we've also had four pregnancies. And lost four pregnancies.

I wanted to paint the rest of our lives out before I mentioned the pregnancies because the pregnancies and their subsequent losses, do not define who we are, nor who we are to become or the pathway we are to now travel down. They ARE part of who we are but they are not WHAT we are.

Yes we desperately wanted to be parents and deep down that desperation is still there but we will not let it rule our lives and so we have turned off the TTC pathway and are now following a new path, OUR path, the one thats right for us. Will it lead to parenthood? Who knows? I suppose anything is possible but I DO know that this is not our focus anymore. We have embraced the possibility of a life without knowing parenthood and you know what?

That is perfectly, just fine.