I always wondered what it would take to break the camels back.
I've also always wondered where the "the straw that broke the camels back" phrase came from?
I mean straw isn't very heavy so it would have to be bales of hay being dropped onto that camel from a great height for it's back to be broken right?
As you can see I obviously have too much time on my hands right now, coupled with the fact that I've been thinking about anything AND everything to distract my mind from the one thing that I don't want to think about.
It hasn't been working.
My last post on this was vague because I just couldn't put my heart through dealing with it. Nothing has changed except to say that I've admitted it but I don't feel as expected.
I've just suffered my 5th loss and I feel numb.
I don't feel angry.
I don't fee sad.
I'm not asking why me?
I am however asking - whats the matter with me?
Why am I feeling like this?
Why am I feeling nothing?
This isn't normal and I do not like it.
Is this what it has come to? Where I've suffered so many losses that my heart doesn't even recognise them anymore? It's that glazed over? It has such a blase torwards pain that nothing can hurt it anymore? I find that hard to believe and yet I have no other explanation as to why right now I'm just numb.
Now understand when I say numb, I mean exactly that, no feeling, walking around in a daze, letting life happen around me. I'm here in my life but not really contributing in anyway shape or form.
Each day is blending into the next and yet I don't know where one ends and the next begins.
Do I think this WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I don't know but can I experience a 6th loss? No, no I can't. Yet then I never thought I'd be able to experience a 5th losse or a 4th, 3rd or 2nd but I did and here I am still standing after all those losses.
5. Five. 4 plus 1. Six minus one. F.I.V.E. losses. 5 lives that won't enter into mine and BikerMans. Five lives that we won't get to share. 5 births we will never experience. Five first birthdays we will never see.....
I really don't like the number FIVE anymore.....
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