Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back Post

I always wondered what it would take to break the camels back.

I've also always wondered where the "the straw that broke the camels back" phrase came from?
I mean straw isn't very heavy so it would have to be bales of hay being dropped onto that camel from a great height for it's back to be broken right?

As you can see I obviously have too much time on my hands right now, coupled with the fact that I've been thinking about anything AND everything to distract my mind from the one thing that I don't want to think about.

It hasn't been working.

My last post on this was vague because I just couldn't put my heart through dealing with it. Nothing has changed except to say that I've admitted it but I don't feel as expected.

I've just suffered my 5th loss and I feel numb.

I don't feel angry.

I don't fee sad.

I'm not asking why me?

I am however asking - whats the matter with me?
Why am I feeling like this?
Why am I feeling nothing?
This isn't normal and I do not like it.

Is this what it has come to? Where I've suffered so many losses that my heart doesn't even recognise them anymore? It's that glazed over? It has such a blase torwards pain that nothing can hurt it anymore? I find that hard to believe and yet I have no other explanation as to why right now I'm just numb.

Now understand when I say numb, I mean exactly that, no feeling, walking around in a daze, letting life happen around me. I'm here in my life but not really contributing in anyway shape or form.

Each day is blending into the next and yet I don't know where one ends and the next begins.

Do I think this WILL be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I don't know but can I experience a 6th loss? No, no I can't. Yet then I never thought I'd be able to experience a 5th losse or a 4th, 3rd or 2nd but I did and here I am still standing after all those losses.

5. Five. 4 plus 1. Six minus one. F.I.V.E. losses. 5 lives that won't enter into mine and BikerMans. Five lives that we won't get to share. 5 births we will never experience. Five first birthdays we will never see.....

I really don't like the number FIVE anymore.....


  1. I'm really sorry sweetie. I know my words can't make you feel better, no matter how much I wish they did, but please know I'm with you. I'm walking right beside you, holding your hand, doing whatever you need. I'm sending you so much love and strength.

  2. Oh man. . . I'm so sorry. I had an idea based on your post but wasn't 100% sure. How far along were you if you don't mind my asking? I think I stayed numb after loss #2 for a long time... in fact, I'd say I'm still numb to it now. I have windows of pain where I remember and I grieve, but for the most part I almost try to pretend it didn't happen. *hugs* i'm so sorry.

  3. I'm so MAD at the universe for you right now! None of this makes sense. It's all so beyond f***ed up, that I can't even find the words.

    I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I know sentiments can't bring back all the babies that have been taken away from you,

    You're in my thoughts.

  4. I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts. {{{hugs}}}

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you that you are just numb right now. It's almost incomprehensible. Sending you lots of big hugs. I hope you find an answer to all this madness.

  6. Oh honey... Numb is a type of normal sometimes. It's not how you want to feel, but sometimes it is how our mind tries to protect our heart. The feelings will come. And we will be here to feel them with you.

    Thinking of you...

  7. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. I know how hard it is (I've lost 4) and I've wondered what I'll do if it happens again and when will I say enough? Have you gone to the doctor? What does he/she say the problem is? If you need a friend, please e-mail me paramore05@ymail.com

    I'll be praying that your heart finds some peace. I was always blank for a few weeks and then out of the blue-BAM it would hit me! Usually a big, fat, round happy pregnant girl.


  8. I am sorry . My heart is breaking. Please know that I am thinking & praying for you & your Dh.


  9. Thinking of you Rach. No words, no answers for you, just shaking my head. Life really sucks sometimes.

    Millie xx

  10. Oh Rach - I wish I could think of something helpful/meaningful to say...but there are no words, just hugs.

  11. Thanks for visiting my blog and for your condolences. I am sorry you have endured so many losses. Though I haven't experienced the number of losses that you have, there was a point in my infertility journey where I felt numb. It was easier than truly feeling the grief at the time and it helped me to get through it. I eventually had to let the feelings in again because the numbness also kept me from feeling any joy. I wish you peace, comfort, and clarity to move forward.

  12. Hey there Rach,

    I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you again. I can’t take away the pain of your loss but I am here as an ear and to offer support if you ever need it.



  13. Rach, this is a normal part of the mourning process, its your brains way of protecting you while it tries to process what has happened. Its a phase and it will pass, as hard as it is, just try and go with it for now, your body will lead you through the grieving at a pace thats best for you.
    I'm very sorry for you loss!

  14. Rach honey, my heart is breaking for you and D. I feel so helpless, if there is anything I can do for you please just ask. I wish there was something more, something magical I could do for you guys. You are amazing sweetie, please don't forget that.

  15. Oh I'm so sorry... so very sorry. :(

  16. I'm so genuinely sorry for your loss. Sending peaceful thoughts your way...

  17. I am so sorry..I found you via Stirrup Queens..and after our 5th loss..I was the same way. Just numb. I feel like anything that happens from here on out, I will actually dread instead of celebrating. I won't say "I know how you feel" because I can't possibly. But you are in my thoughts, I've been there. And I hate the number 5 as well..

  18. Oh no! Nooooooo I am so very very sorry and wish I could think of something, anything helpful, kind or thoughtful ...but I can't think of a single useful things I can say other than I am so sorry ..its not enough but its all I can say

  19. I am so sorry. I have been in that phase. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will pass.

  20. I am so sorry for your loss hun :(
    For all your losses.(*HUGS*)

  21. I am sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs.

  22. I suffered my fifth loss this August. And I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for putting it into words so articulately. I am so sorry that you are going through this.


  23. I am so incredibly sorry. I know nothing I can say will make it better, but I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.