Sunday, October 11, 2009

The I Don't Know What To Post So I Will Ramble Post

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a few days.

If I knew what to post, I would have posted earlier.

However, I did not.

I drafted a post many a time in my head, came to the computer and waited for it to transpire through my fingers onto the keyboard.

That never happened.

It's been a tough week and a half.

It was my Dads 65th birthday on the 7th. He of course isn't here to celebrate it. We went out to dinner and toasted him in his absence.

My due date for my 4th miscarriage was yesterday - the 10th. It came and went, I tried not to think about it - that obviously [as usual] did not work.

I don't have the ability to put grief on top of grief and I haven't finished - in fact not even really acknowledged so therefore started - my fifth loss yet.

Throw into the mix a couple of "omg I'm pregnant" announcements in the "real" world and a couple of longterm ttcer's in the ALI blogosphere annoucing their happy knocked up news [which I have to say I AM truly happy and thrilled for them but well sorry guys if I haven't come across as super excited and happy for you but I'm kind of living my own hell at the moment - I hope y'all understand!] and well I'm surprised that I've managed to drag myself out of bed all week if I'm honest.

And so my fifth loss.

I've had so many people this past week [not that I've told a whole heap of people, in fact none in "real life", I just can't and couldn't handle the questions] tell me that I will have a baby, I just need to keep the hope alive.


I understand people only say these things to help me stay positive but telling me things that aren't true and are unlikely to come to fruition actually do not help the situation.

In fact all it does is ram home the fact that no, unlike some who miscarry, I'm not actually going to pick the magic door and come home with the prize. Instead I'm going to be the sucker who gambles the big win on a "chance" and come home with fuck all while the audience laugh at me.

I've had people who tell me that they too have miscarried BUT they accepted that their baby wasn't ready nor healthy enough to come into the world just yet and so they were grateful that they miscarried. That they applied this thinking to all 3 or 5 or 7 miscarriages that they had to endure to get their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.

And that my friends is the kicker right there.

Their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.

Now in no way am I discounting the pain they endured having miscarriages.

Miscarriages are hell on earth and I wouldn't wish my pain or heartache on even my worst enemy, believe me.

However yes, my miscarriages perhaps may be less taxing on my soul had I been lucky enough to have successful pregnancies and healthy children between them.

However I have not.

I've fought to become a Mother for 10 very long years. Answering question after question as to why we don't have children yet, if we're going to have children and whether that healthy glow I have is because I'm pregnant? (no my cheeks are red because I've just been crying - again!).

The questions have started going around in my head.

Why is the one that pushes to the front, barrelling all the others out of the way.

I must have been really bad in a previous life.

I must have some bad karma lingering around me in this life.

I was 6 weeks and I knew I was knocked up before I took the test.

I knew I was miscarrying as soon as I went to the toilet that day.

Isn't it profoundly sad that I wasn't surprised to miscarry?

This is what sex and pregnancy has come down to.

You have sex.

You may fall pregnant.

You will then more than likely [going off your track record/past history] spontaneously abort your child.

On one of the forums that I post on, another regular poster on a thread I too am a regular on, was due the same time I should have been had I not had my 4th miscarriage. Isn't it pathetic that while she was giving birth, I was experiencing yet another miscarriage?

She got a [no doubt] beautiful baby girl, I got another crack in my heart.

I fear any more cracks and my heart will void it's warranty and I'm not sure I can live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.

Could you?


  1. No, I couldn't.
    You won't either honey.
    Your heart will heal my love.
    I know that you don't feel like it will ever.
    But it does.
    I promise.
    In time, your cracks will start to heal. Although you will never forget, it will get easier.
    I know its raw now.
    But it will get better.

    Thats not to say you aren't allowed to feel what you are feeling now.
    You are.
    You really really are.
    And for as long as you need.

    I really wish there was something that I could say, to make it stop hurting.
    To make it better.

    I wish I lived closer (it really is stupid that we live in the same country yet so bloody far away) so I could come and keep you company.
    Share my dimetapp (for the grapey goodness) and give you hugs.

    Please, email me or something if you feel really shitty, I get my emails sent to my phone, so I'll always reply.

    Love lots honey.


  2. I just want you to hear that I am listening. ((hugs))

  3. I am so sorry for how awful you are feeling right now. I wish that I had words of comfort or wisdom, but I don't.

    Just know that everyone who reads your blog feels for you, and we all wish we could make it better.

  4. I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. I know what you mean about miscarriages between children. A woman in class told me that her 2nd and 4th child were miscarried at 8 and 11 weeks but since it was only tissue she was okay with it because she now has 4 other beautiful children. She says the other two who misscaried probably had a genetic defect. I had to leave the room and sob...bitch, my four are gone and I have nothing and you got four more?

    I know with time the cracks will heal and like every wound you will most likely have a scar. I'm sorry. I wish I knew the right answers or the magical words to make you feel better. I know all too well that it just takes time, so please try to be good to yourself. I wish I knew the answer to when you will be a mom. Please don't find it wrong that I believe you will be one someday.

    Lots of love!

  5. You have an award on my blog-check it out!

  6. I'm sorry. When people told me "it will happen for you, don't lose faith" it helped me, but you're in a different place and you're a different person. I apologize if I said this and if it hurt you.

    I hate that you have to go through this again. I am very sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts *hugs*

  7. Rach, I'm so so so sorry! I feel your pain, having been there myself! Please please please, will u consider going for an HSG??? I know this may seem in appropriate, but if u haven't had one, u need to get it done! My RE told me that up to 80% of recurrent mc's are caused by structural issues.

  8. We struggled for 10 years to get pregnant and were married 11 years before finally giving birth to babies that lived. And even now, the NICU is its own form of hell. When people say "One day..." I think it is trying to keep up hope, but I think it is also that they believe that one day you will have a long lasting pregnancy that results in your long dreamed for healthy baby. I dont think that people make comments like that just for the sheer thought of keeping you positive. I'd like to believe that they really believe it is possible. Just like, when they share their losses (I had a woman tell me that she had 18 losses over a 10 year period before she finally got pregnant and carried to term) it's because they want you to know that they have been in hell too and finally were able to have part of their dream realized, hoping that it will give you the strength to endure whatever comes your way.

    It's rough. Every day is a struggle. Every day hurts. But, no matter what happens, I'm sending hugs your way.