Monday, October 12, 2009

The Descent Post

At some point last night, the descent started.

Early this morning I could see the bottom.

This afternoon I hit the bottom.

By early evening I had no fingernails left due to scrapping at the side trying to ascend again.

The darkness is blinding.

The silence palpable.

Have you ever just sat and felt your emotions taking over your body?

It starts out as a calm, much like before a storm. Silence, stillness, you know it's coming you're just not sure when.

As I sat in the darkness this afternoon, let my mind empty and just sat there.

Me heart started beating faster first.

Then my breathing caught up with it.

My eyes twitched before releasing tears.

I sat there, so still while I felt a tear well up in the corner of my left eye.

It built up and up, teetering on the cusp of my lower lashes, until my eye could hold it no longer.

I felt it spill over onto my cheek.

I felt it begin it's slow slide down my cheek and as it reached my lips, I felt another escape from my eye.

Before I knew what was happening, the tears were freefalling down my face and my heart had begun to ache.

It's ironic that just as I'd decided that this blog was about to take a happy turn, I was going to see the positives and just take life as it comes, I experience a loss.

It's as if, even when I'm focussing on the positive and enjoying what I have in life rather than being sad about what I don't, the Universe comes along and slaps me in the face and says "hey sunshine welcome back to the real world!"

Failure.

Thats the word for the day, evening, week. It's a word I cannot get out of head no matter how hard I try.

It feels that every time I try to achieve something, I fail at it.

I will be sad if I never become a Mother. I will be devestated if I never make BikerMan a Dad. I will feel like a failure, like I seem to be, like I feel I already am.

A failure at being a wife.

A failure at being a woman.





[I wanted to add that while I understand my blog is currently sounding sad, depressed and morose, I apologise but this is how I'm feeling right now. I need to get these feelings out, if I don't well......I can't even put it into words. This is my outlet, where I come for support. Support I need more than ever right now because I'm choosing not to share this with the people in my life in the "real" world. That might sound insane in itself but my heart and my head cannot handle the questions and there would be questions and the level of support I would get from the people in the "real" world woud be minimal going off past experiences.]

14 comments:

  1. *hugs*

    You never need to apologize for your pain. Never.

    I am sorry this happened. I read your feelings of darkness and sadness, the fall down, and it transports me. We each have our own struggles but the common thread of pain is there and because I know how much it hurts, and I know it hurts more for you because you've been through it too many times. One time is too many, Five just makes you wonder what sense the world makes?

    *hugs* sorry for your pain. Sitting here with you.

    (on an unrelated note, it can often be difficult to comment on some blogger sites like yours because we're only allowed to sign off wit blogger id's or wordpress id's for some reason blogger doesn't ever recognize my wordpress ID and I have to sit here trying five-seven tries to get my comment through. I used to have bloger and there is a setting where you can allow people to submit with name/url too). Just a suggestion.

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  2. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize for your blog. I blog because I can be completely honest without feeling judged- unlike the "real world" unfortunately.
    Know that while no one else understands your pain, there are lots of us going through dark places too.... so you are not alone.

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  3. (*hugs*) Don't apologize for your content on here hun, it's what you need to say, so say it.

    I often feel like the emotions are going to swallow me whole, until there's nothing left of me anymore except a crying stone. I don't know exactly what you feel, as I have never been in your shoes, but I can relate.

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  4. You should not have to apologize for your honesty. It's the only way to let people know what you're going through...so they can offer you the support you need.

    I just wish we could do more to help...

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  5. I absolutely agree with the previous posters - you have NO reason to apologize.

    We are here for you!

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  6. I too agree with the previous posters - never apologize for how you're feeling - and definitely keep letting it out on here. Sitting with you too.

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  7. Don't apologise for what you write on your blog, this is YOUR space for your pain / grief / hope / and if there is any justice - joy.

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  8. i am so so sorry.. i think abotu you all the time.. i am really hoping for the day when you can get to your life's purpose.. but get there in your own time. we're all here for you. so so sorry.

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  9. Listen to all of the other wise women above and stop apologizing for how you are feeling. Just allow yourself to to feel what you feel. And although advice is not usually all that welcome when you are in the dark place you are currently in, I will recommend to you what my husband always makes me do: move. Go for a walk or something; you will hate it when it starts, but when you are done, it will help.

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  10. Hello Lovely.

    I'm in agreement with the above ladies.

    You don't have to apologise for your pain.
    This is YOUR blog and you CAN write whatever the hell you want to!
    So, that means if you wake up tomorrow morning, look out the window and think 'Fuck, I hate the world' you are entitled to blog it!
    Anyone who has a problem with you doing this, you can send them my way! :)

    Now,
    You have been through so much pain sweetheart.
    So much, my heart is breaking with yours.
    We would be all talking about you behind your back if you were swanning around saying that you were fine and you were ok with it all.
    (well, we wouldn't really, but I'm trying to make you feel better)

    Just remember.
    When you feel like you are falling down that great big hole of nastiness...
    We are here for you.
    We are here, holding your hand and wiping your tears away.
    There may even be tears shed with you.
    But thats okay too.

    I'm sending you all my love.

    You really need to move from WA to QLD...

    Mwah.
    Let me know how you are.
    xxxx

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  11. Hey, where you are is where you are - I blog because I want to reach out to people who know what this is like, and I read blogs because I want to connect to other women who are living this real world - aspirations, good days, and bad days. (Actually I kind of get impatient with people who never have bad days. I am convinced they're lying.) Give us whatever you've got.

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  12. Speak what you feel. Insincerity isn't going to help anyone. We're here for you.

    I am sorry that you are hurting right now, especially with your newest loss and the anniversary of your dad's death coming one on top of the other.

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  13. No apologies needed... Ever. Your space, your feelings. Always.

    You are not a failure. Not one bit. I know that my words wont take that feeling away, but truly, you arent. You are a beautiful woman who is struggling through some of the worst shit on the planet.

    Sending big hugs.

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