Monday, September 14, 2009

THAT question

Ha! I know what you're thinking....which question?

You see there are SO many questions that THAT question actually could be. So many questions that as InFertiles, we get asked on an almost daily basis, so many questions that are inappropriate and to be frank, no one elses damned business to be asking!

This question however refers to how as InFertiles we are told and often expected to be grateful for whatever we can get in the way of Motherhood.

By this I mean, if I had a $ for every time I've been told "Oh why don't you just adopt?" and "If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?" and my favourite "It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

Now lets look at these....

"Oh why don't you just adopt?"
Adoption in Australia is neither easy, cheap nor a short process. Adoption can take years, sometimes 10+, it can cost into the tens of thousands - routinely costing well over $30 000 and there is alot of red tape - especially when adopting from overseas.

Now if we were hitting the point we are hitting now with having ttc for 10 years and 4 miscarriages and we were younger, then yeah I'd honestly say lets give adoption a go but we are not and unfortunately it's NOT an option for us.

The major thing that stands in our way re adoption is DH's age. He is 40 and by the time we went through the process, he'd be considered too old - something he's actually considered now when it comes to adoption.

"If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?"
"It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

I can actually answer these two together.

Fertiles get to get knocked up, usually have a stress free pregnancy or at least one that ends with a living breathing baby at the end and get to experience their childs life from day of conception. I do not consider this experience an exclusive one just for Fertiles, I believe this experience should be allowed to be experienced and rejoiced in by ANYONE who wants become a parent, Fertiles and InFertiles alike.

For me parenthood is raising a child regardless of age BUT is it such a sin that my desire is to raise that child from the moment it's conceived like so many others are allowed to do?

Why, just because I'm InFertile, should I be grateful and happy, that ANY child regardless of age or how it came to be MY child is mine? This isn't a case of settling and being made to be grateful of becoming a mother any which way I can.

I so desperately want to experience that BFFP, that first ultrasound, that ultrasound where I get to see OUR childs heartbeat. The ultrasound where I get to find out if OUR child is a boy or a girl. I want to feel that first flutter of movement in my belly, feel that first kick, have OUR child lay on my bladder or kick me in the ribs. I want those pictures of my ever expanding belly. I want people to rub my bump and tell me that I'm glowing. The labour (yes even the pain!!) of bringing OUR child into this world, hearing the first cry, enjoying the first feed, seeing OUR child learn to crawl, walk and talk.

I want to have that argument with someone over whether or not I should be breastfeeding OUR child or whether I should be putting OUR child into cloth nappies over disposables. I want that picture of OUR child with chocolate cake all over his or her face on their first birthday.

I'm InFertile.


Why does that mean I have to settle and be grateful for what I can get, rather than what I want?


  1. Nice post hun. It's good to hear this perspective from a blogger, because it is so often overlooked.

    Adopting really isn't for everyone, nor is it possible for everyone, and most people just don't even have the first clue. No matter the road you travel here, there is no easy path.

  2. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! Adoption in Australia is ridiculous hard work - filled with beurocratic nonsense.
    We are doing the adoption track at the same time as IVF, simply because I need a back up plan in my head, but I so desperately want to carry my own child.

  3. Agreed! I thought I was open to adoption when we first learned we were infertile, but as the treatments have progressed (albeit with no success to date) I get further from that acceptance. It's more expensive, more time consuming, and I will admit it would feel like settling to me. It's the nuclear option I do not want to use. Adoption works wonderfully well for some people, but I think so less and less for myself as months go by.

  4. Mr Jem doesn't even want to TALK about adoption until we have played out ALL our other options. He puts his hands over his ears and sings, "la la la I can't hear you!"


  5. You don't have to settle for that, you deserve to go through the entire pregnancy process.

    I hope that some day soon you will.

  6. Just stumpled across your blog from another one and read your posts - will follow along from now on...thanks for writing

  7. You said it exactly! I want to be pregnant, have that first sonogram, give birth to my baby. And adoption isn't an option for us, either.

  8. There are many reasons why adoption might not be for you, but I think you need to be careful when you say how expensive adoption is in Australia. It's true IA is very expensive, but local adoption isn't and people should know that if money is a concern for them, adoption could still be an option.

  9. Well all the research I've done I've found even local adoption CAN be expensive and honestly there are just not that many children that get put up for adoption that I've been lead to believe anyway. Maybe things are different over east? Who knows? BikerMans age counts against us in a major way with adoption as well. Notice I said CAN be expensive not definitely will be.

    I went to raed your blog in the hope that it could "enlighten me" re adoption but see most of your posts are password protection, so no point in me looking lol

  10. I don't think you should settle -- that as an infertile it suddenly shouldn't matter to you if you carry/deliver a child of your own body.

    I'm sure it takes some emotional processing to shift one's focus from conceiving to adopting. I think it's greiving a loss of an experience/situation, but embracing other beautiful parts of being a mother.