Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Reason for the Change Post

So why the change?

It's quite simple really, the past month has been one of realisations for me. Not all at once and not right in your face very obvious changes, just subtle ones that take their time to reveal themselves but when they do, it DOES feel like someone has walked up to me, slapped me across the face and yelled "why didn't you realise that sooner?" LOL.

It's been confronting. It's been eye opening. It's been scary, upsetting, dark but at the same time, relieving and peaceful. The last quote on my header from the Dalai Lama has helped me adjust to this change of thinking....."The purpose of our lives is happiness". Even if I never become a Mother, I can still be happy. In fact if I never become a Mother, I owe it to not only myself but also BikerMan to be happy. To embrace my life, our life for what it is, rather than dwell on what it is not.

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." How utterly true is this statement? How can I expect my body to conceive and carry a healthy child when I have so much negativity, bitterness, anger and expectation just pouring out of it? I put so much pressure on my body every cycle, that every cycle my body is failing just amounts to more pressure next cycle. Yes my body is failing but focussing on that every month hasn't worked for the past 120+ odd cycles so perhaps it's time I stopped? My body is apparently my temple, so perhaps it's time I gave it a break and just once when it doesn't do something that supposedly comes naturally to it, I just don't mention it rather pretend it never happened.

I "lost" a friend a few weeks back and took the plunge to email her last week and ask what had happened. She told me that my blog was profoundly sad, heartbreaking in fact and that she couldn't read it anymore. Which was fine. I respect people's decision in what they choose to read and what they choose not to read, I'd hate to think that anyone was reading me purely because they felt they "had to", thats not why I write. I write because it helps my head stay partially sane and I write because I like being part of the ALI community. If people don't like what I say or how I say it, by all means click the little x in the corner, close the window and move on, if you do like what I say and how I say it then yes, please do keep coming back, I love my readers and the comments they leave!

She told me that misery loves company (or in words similar) and funnily enough BikerMan has told me the same thing time after time. "You're never going to be happy while you surround yourself with sadness". To a point they are both right HOWEVER I have no desire to leave my blog, my readers OR the people I read. Yes it would be fan-freaking-tabulous if my life was all fairies, cupcakes and coloured marshmellow rainbows and glitter but omg thats right it's the real world and it's not. Sad things happen in life and unfortunately I just happen to blog about subjects that are hard to deal with and upsetting to have to keep going through time after time. I make no apologies for how I write. I write whats happening in my head, if I don't get it out here I'll go insane and probably throw myself in front of a truck. This means that yes there are going to be sad things written, angry things and posts regarding depression, it needs to be said, needs to be shared.

The last thing she mentioned was this post on why I want to be happy for infertiles but I struggle to be. I was very honest on that post and was told so by many commentators. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am ALWAYS happy when a fellow ALI community member falls pregnant. The reason for that post was to get the point across that yes I may not always seem happy about PG announcements but deep down I am I just struggle to show it and that is no crime. I really wanted to put that message out there, that you can feel disappointed, sadness and depression about others getting knocked up and acknowledging those emotions is perfectly fine and healthy and normal!!

I want to say that I haven't written about why my friend stopped reading me to "out" her or embarass her (though she no longer reads me so that doesn't really matter) I did it because her email was another of my realisations. Something also clicked in my head that made me see what she was saying from a different perspective. I also want to say, publicly, that yes I WAS and AM 100% truly happy for her. I don't do fake congratulatory statements, if I say I'm happy for you then I am.

Lastly I understand that some don't want to read about my struggles and you know what, that is completely FINE. Like there are some pregnancy blogs that I can't read, there will be some who find my writing just too bleak, depressing and YES at times bitter and judgemental. Let me assure you though that unfortunately I'm an opinionated little cow, always have been and always will be. I hold my hands up and admit freely that yes I've been bitter in the past, I'm sorry but 10 years struggling to achieve what others only seem to have to sneeze to achieve, I'd like to meet anyone who doesn't hold even the tiniest bit of a bitterness or resentment towards people who manage to get what they want so easily while they struggle time after time. Of course this does not maketh an excuse but it is what it is and I can't change the past. What I can do is move forward and hope to change the future.

It is your choice if you choose to read, yours if you choose to not read but I am me, I'm honest and I put my feelings out there...and yes there will always be people who don't like that.....


  1. Welcome to the light sista! Infertility is a journey full of happy and very sad moments, but its a process, a work to get to a point where you can see the beauty even in the moments of sadness. And you've made it. And I so agree with you, the most important lesson here is to be happy inspite of what infertility throws at us!
    As for your blog content, don't make any apologies, your blog is dark and light, happy and sad, morbid and joyous but most importantly its honest. There is no point in keeping a blog if you're not going to be honest, then its of no benefit to you or your readers.
    I often also get into trouble for being outspoken and for often saying the things that I know a lot of infertiles feel but are ashamed/afraid to say out loud, so I salute you!

  2. Ditto to what Sharon said. Infertility is a long, hard road & we have he right to be sad once in awhile -- especially on our blogs!

    I know it's hard for some IFers who are still chasing the baby dream to read blogs like yours (& mine). It's proof that not everyone comes out of this process with a baby. And that's a very scary thing for a lot of people to face.

    But we need more voices like yours out there. It's hard, and yes, sometimes it's sad -- but it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and people need to know that.

  3. "We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." How true, how true.

  4. Here from L&F and a fellow "could be reaching the end of the road" woman. I'm 41 and started a second blog focusing on the other things in my life...beyond infertility. I wish you peace and I'll keep reading. I've added you to my reader.

  5. Nice new header. I think its great to strive to be hopeful and more peace filled. for me meditation did wonders. However don't he hard on yourself when the difficult times come because those are also true moments too. Your post that your friend referred to was a very powerful post. But I respected it because I have felt that way too, and it helps to know I'm not alone. Don't hold back on what you think, its why we read you!

  6. Great new perspective. :) I have to keep reminding myself to stay above the forest, don't get swallowed by the trees, and keep chosing to be happy. It's an on-going process. I like your new header.

  7. "The purpose of our lives is happiness"

    That's just beautiful. So simple, but so profound.

  8. Please continue to be honest because that is why I love your blogs so much! yes, that post was honest and might not sit well with too many people but it was the truth and we've all felt that way. I'm glad you are trying to be more positive...I think it is good for us all to not dwell on what we don't have but to embrace what we do have. My favorite quote is "if we sat and thought about everything we were thankful for, we wouldn't have time to complain" I might have ruined it but it was along those lines.


  9. i'll be honest and say that i too stopped reading your blog when i was continually confronted with judgemental, bitter tirades about women who are mothers and how they treat and bring up their children, from how they handle tantrums in the street to drinking when pregnant.

    a woman with fertility issues has about the same right to judge me and how i bring up my sons than any other person on this earth - absolutely NONE.

    you alientated me several times with your posts and while i do not expect you to stop writing what you believe, you cannot expect people who you offend to keep on reading it.

    you did write once that you cannot be truly happy for people who are pregnant, i know you did because i read it myself. i never tell anyone what to blog or how to blog it but you in turn cannot dictate how people respond to such extremely provocative issues like motherhood, who deserves to be one and 'the right way' to parent.

    personally, i am inundated with haters and i never leave shitty, nasty comments or attack someone over their opinion or point of view. it is classless and pointless and hurtful to the person the comment is aimed at.

    what i do when i don't get a good response from a blog, is that i just stop reading it, like your friend did.

    when someone stops reading your blog it isn't necessarily about you though. it's about them. what they want. nobody is obligated to read your blog, or mine, we are all out in cyberland looking for a different thing - and as there is no shortage of self-pity and misery in the world and i have enough of it day to day in my life without seeking out more on the internet. i don't read any blogs that dwell on the negative or even whinge regularly. unless it is thigh-slapping cynicism, i don't want to know.

    i hope that my comment is not taken as an attack or a put down, because it isn't. you should never change who you are or what you say to appease others. just accept that people are not always going to agree or like what you say.

    trust me, i consider myself quite the veteran trooper in this field, and after 2.5 years of harrowing hate aimed directly at me, i finally realise that no, not everyone has to like me.

  10. Wow. Ok.

    Well, first off, I love the new look :) It's bright and I find it easy to read. I love all of the Makeover/Renovation blogs lately.

    Secondly, I like your blog. The way you write it now and the way you wrote before now. I appreciate your honesty. I don't like reading blogs where I feel like people are writing what they *think* their readers want to read. You write honestly - and that is hard to come by.

    I think of blogs as a way to share a personal story or journey. I'm glad that you are finding new light and direction in your journey :) I think we all (as IF'ers) want to find that peace.

    Thank you for sharing your story. And I will continue reading.

  11. I love the new look!

    I've been thinking a lot recently about how to be a happy infertile...both because I am tired of feeling like my life is on hold and because I want to be conscious of keeping the good stuff firmly in hand.

    I've been drawing parallels to what would my life be like if I had not met and married TFO. I would not have put my life on hold in that case and I would not have lost sight of all the good things in my life. Being married/having a partner in life is/was just as important to me as having children, but somehow its easier for me to think about how I would theoretically approach not having a partner.

    I look forward to following your new direction.

  12. I also love the new look! I'm glad to hear that you've experienced some perspective-altering realizations, we all need those now and then! It helps us recalibrate when we get sucked into something like IF. I hope you continue to write what's in your heart, because that's what this is all about. Everyone can choose to read or not read, as you said. No biggie!

  13. {{HUGS}} I totally get every word in your post. This is really be me posting! :) Good luck- and I have said before...click that x in the corner if you don't like it.

  14. I understand too where you are coming from. Once you reach that point of no return , it is a whole new world out there. And we all need to deal with it how we see fit. Keep on posting what you post.

  15. Like everyone who commented before me, I completely understand. Welcome to a new chapter in your life...

  16. I do love the new look and it is a good attitude. Yes, misery loves company, but it doesn't breed in company. You need to already be experiencing that sadness to want to connect with others equally but uniquely sad. And in that sadness, find the support and peace so you can reemerge out of it.

  17. I keep starting to write a comment, read it then delete it again...So...
    I'm just going to come out with it.

    I don't see any of your posts as negative at all.

    I read the opinions, feelings and thoughts of a strong woman stumbling through the grief of infertility.

    To reach out in the IF community is reaching out to other like minded women (and some men) who understand what you feel.
    If that means reading one sad heartbreaking post after another then so be it. For me, the first time I ever read a blog regarding infertility and how she was feeling at that time it was like a whole new world opened up to me.
    Like a 'Oooohhhh, it's ok. I'm not mad that I want to punch that pregnant glowing woman' feeling.

    Its also very easy not to understand. I have close friends and relatives that just.don't.understand.
    The "just adopt" or the "You are young, there is plenty of time" and even the "Perhaps you aren't supposed to be parents"
    I've also come across women that have gone through infertility and come out with a screaming beautiful baby that practically turns me green with envy to see them forget how it feels to be in the position of wanting something so badly.

    So you know what,
    I like your posts.
    They are honest.

    Of course, I'm the biggest hypocrite ever, after all my blogging isn't about how I really feel...or it would probably be flagged for inappropriate content.

    Now that I've taken up all your comment space, I'll jump quietly down from my soap box.

    and continue reading forever.

    Enjoy your BBQ!
    I don't think there is any dimetapp left...It's my new addiction you see.
    No more chocolate milk for me.
    Its all about the yummy medicated grapeness.