Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Random Numbers Post

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 8

They are just numbers. Random numbers that don't even run in sequence. Numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they are another unfulfilled dream. Numbers that refer to another day that two didn't become three. Another day I didn't become a parentt.

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 9

More numbers. Again random, that don't run in sequence. Again numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they signify a whole year. 365 days that have passed, in which nothing major has happened except that I've lost yet another baby.

Today was a hard day, a very hard day. And I felt so very very alone. I wandered aimlessly around Ikea this afternoon. I hadn't wanted to spend the afternoon alone but with BikerMan working to the evening and all my 'friends' busy and unable to offer me any time, it was alone I spent it. Alone but surrounded by people, as well as lots of babies and lots of pregnant bellies.

No matter where I went today, the universe was determined to surround me with the things I crave the most, babies and pregnant bellies. Everywhere as far as the eye can see.

Ikea normally cheers me up, it's like Mecca, where I go to pray as Ikea and all it's designers are God. Today it was like there was a funeral around every corner. I walked around the displays aimlessly barely registering what I was looking at, picking up a items here and there. After I'd made it back to the car, I sat down, closed and locked the door and sobbed my heart out.

Despite being around loads of people all day I felt like I was falling back into a pool, slowly drowning and all I can see is the light slowly fading and as much as I scream no one can hear me.

And in 23 days I get to do it all over again......unless I manage to "get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself"......

28 comments:

  1. So sorry you're hurting right now :(.

    I know what you mean about Ikea - I always go there with my sister to lift my spirits and the last time I went I skipped half of it and it just couldn't snap me out of my funk. Of course, that might have been because there were pregnant bellies and young kids everywhere. Ugh.

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  2. You should never feel guilty about how you feel - how you feel is who you are, at least for any particular moment. I'd love to be able to say something to cheer you up, but I know I can't, so I hope instead that some kind thoughts from England can remind you it's ok to have bad days, and that there are good ones just around the corner...

    love freya, a random English girl who happened across your blog!

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  3. (((HUGS)))

    Lots of big, giant, cry-on-my-shoulder ((((HUGS)))

    I'm sorry you had to spend such a difficult day alone. Maybe you can make sure that Bikerman can be there in a few weeks, you need to tell him he must. You need those hugs in person too.

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  4. We're allowed to have days like these. *hugs*

    I hope you let the hubz know how much his words hurt you. I hope he realizes and will not do that again.

    thinking of you.

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  5. You were at IKEA? I would have met up with you! I know I am totally missing the point here but I would have totally had time to spend with you. Hugs my friend and hoping for next month xxxx

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  6. Thankyou all for your kind words!

    And thanks Seraphim!! I forget that I have at least two readers that are local to me!!

    xx

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  7. I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough day.

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  8. Sweetie - I am so sorry! You are not alone and you should not be sorry for hurting! Everyone heals and deals differently and you shouldn't try to rush the grieving process!

    Be good to yourself, be true to yourself and just give yourself time.

    Big, Huge hugs!

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  9. I'm so sorry you felt so alone. that's a pretty horrible feeling. I wish peace and happiness for your heart, sweetie.

    And ANYONE that says to you "get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself" please give them my email and I'll "kindly" tell them where they can put those words.

    I'm here for you.
    *HUGS*

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  10. I'm sorry you were alone on that very sad day. Thinking of you...

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  11. I have so many due dates unfulfilled myself, it's hard, my sympathies :(

    I love Ikea too, was just there last week, I always go with the intention of buying just the necessary, but of course, I come out with twice what I need and twice what I meant to spend!

    HUGS to you...

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  12. I'm so sorry it was such a bad day. You did the right thing by trying to get out and keep your mind busy! Try getting together with some friends, see if it helps. Thinking of you and sending lots of good thoughts your way. {{hugs}}

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  13. I just wanted to say that your comment on my blog EXACTLY depicts how I feel. The friends I consider the "closest" don't ever bother to push past the walls and I have done that for them time and time again. That just adds to my bitterness, anger, lonliness and frustration.

    I honestly don't know where I would be without my online support!

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  14. big huge hugs!

    you are allowed to feel however you want, there is no rule book for going through life as an infertile. i am so sorry that you were alone.

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  15. ((BIG HUGS))

    There are no rules on how you are supposed to feel or act after a miscarriage. Do what comes natural. Everything else will follow.

    Here from ICLW

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  16. I'm sorry for your loss and that your having a hard time. I hope that this year brings you much happiness.

    ICLW

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  17. Here's a big hug from a stranger. Can't think of a better or worse place to be alone on a day like yours. To me IKEA has another dimension since I'm swedish and it's my country away from home :-)

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  18. I very much relate to the desire to wander aimlessly around a store, surrounded, but alone in pain. I've done it many times.

    I'm so sorry for your loss, for your hurting.

    (ICLW)

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  19. IKEA is great!... Ikea is also where I noticed I started spotting with my first miscarriage.

    Thinking of you in your time of need.

    ICLW

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  20. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I can't say I know how you feel (no one really does), but I do wish I could ease your pain. I am thinking of you.

    ~ICLW~

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  21. Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. (((hugs)))

    ICLW

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  22. ((((hugs))))) "Alone, but surrounded by people." Those lonely days can be the hardest. Hope tomorrow is gentler. ICLW

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  23. Thinking of you, when you are hurting so badly. Be gentle on yourself.

    ICLW

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  24. Sending love and ((HUGS)) your way. Hope you're feeling a little better today.

    ICLW

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  25. The universe always seems to surround us with things we crave, things we can't have now. I am truly sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to be strengthened through all this and I pray that your life will be blessed.

    *ICLW*

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  26. Reading this post was like a sucker punch to the solar plexis... I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, I'm sorry you've had to have this day.

    I pray that you will be blessed with your "three" soon.

    (ICLW)

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