We've had some "happy knocked up" news in the ALI blogosphere lately, lots of "happy knocked up" news to be honest, lots and lots of InFertiles are finding themseves knocked up with a sprog in the making.
This is fan-freaking-tastic. Even though my previous post showed how vulnerable my emotions are to these announcements, my happiness for these InFertiles is always there, it's just not always visible nor forthcoming because it's fighting with many other emotions.
The comments I received on that post, showed that I'm not the only InFertile that is struggling and does struggle on hearing "happy knocked up" news and let me tell you that's a huge relief. I was told several times via the comments how honest I was and while I admit to not sugar coating my feelings, I'd hope that others would do the same thing, tho I realise that this is always easier to say than put into practice. I suppose the reason why I don't sugar coat my feelings and let them show through on my blog is that if I didn't, then how would people know when I needed support? If I was constantly putting a mask on and appearing 'happy' when perhaps I wasn't, how would people know if I was sad or not coping? They wouldn't, so I make sure my blog is a place where I am totally 100% me, bad feelings and all, this is where my soul comes to bare itself, recoup and ask for a hug occasionally, it feels safe here. Why does it feel safe? Well I think alot of the safety comes from knowing that my words are read by other people who are in very similar situations to mine, not the same as we are all unique in ourselves and our struggles but definitely similar. People who read my blog possibly know what it's like to struggle with something that really should come naturally; possibly know what it's like to suffer such a heartwrenching loss that you're not sure if you can ever breath properly again; possibly know how hard it is to see everyone else around you manage to get what you so desire. Safety also comes from knowing that people who care about me and what happens to me read my words too.
In general the ALI blogosphere is such a supportive non judgemental community.
The fact that I think this is perhaps why I was so troubled to read some of the comments of this post by Murgdan. In it she made a comment about the fact that she has had a multitude of readers who have unsubscribed and jumped ship from her blog since she posted her "happy knocked up" news. Various people, and there were quite a few, who later commented felt the need to question why people would jump ship just because Murgdan was lucky enough to find herself now knocked up, some even went so far as to leave comments that were littered with words like rude, fairweather friends, find them sad, boo-hoo to those who left, never truly readers, how rude(!!). While these people are entitled to their opinion and Murgdan herself said she 100% completely understood WHY readers had left her blog once she announced her "happy knocked up" news I felt that there was a fair amount of judgement coming out via those comments and it left me feeling very sad.
I posted a comment trying to defend why some of these readers may have jumped ship but it appeared to fall on deaf ears. Normally I would have just posted a congratulations comments but these people could have been talking about me had I not already decided (against what my heart was advising me to do btw) to keep reading Murgdan's blog.
The problem I have with these comments is that these people are really judging people from afar without really knowing their back stories, their struggles or why they were reading Murgdan's blog in the first place. When I first started this blog, as I came across blogs from all aspects of the ALI blogosphere, I read their stories and if I like them, identified with them in anyway or just enjoyed what they wrote I'd add them to my list of blogs to read. The more I read the more aware I became of the amount of different struggles so many of the ALI community go through, how even though we are all linked by InFertility of some kind, we are all different, our struggles are different and yet our end goal is the same - to become a parent. I learnt quickly through reading these blogs that I could no longer judge anyone before I knew even a little of what they'd been through, it just wasn't fair and after all who am I to judge someones feelings or how or why they struggle with something? Answer, I'm no one but a fellow InFertile and rather than judging them I should be offering them support and trying to understand where they are coming from, rather than seeing where I think they should be headed.
When I read Murgdans "Just Relax" post, I'd had 15 "happy knocked up" announcements that week already and it was only Wednesday. At that point, reading her post and her second Beta post could have had me clicking delete on her blog but something stopped me, I'm not sure what but something did. Despite my very dark place at the minute regarding all knocked ups, I've actually kept reading all the knocked ups blogs whom I read when they were still ttc. It's been hard but I followed them on their jouney TO get knocked up and so would like to see the end result. Sure I have days where I just cannot read their blogs, it happens but I don't delete them, I just realise that some days I can't face their "happy knocked up" pregnancy updates.
There will come a point where I just can't handle it anymore and believe me when I say that that point has almost been hit a couple of times recently and when it does hit, it will be buh bye to every single pregnancy blog in my reader. I will stop reading them whether I've been following them for days, months or years, my sanity, fortunately, will come before whether people consider me a rude, sad, fairweather friend who was never truly a reader or not. Perhaps the people who unsubscribed to Murgdan's blog had already reached that point? I don't know, I can't say and I can't judge because I don't know them but if they had and thats why they did, I completely understand, just like Murgdan does.
After all my rambling, I suppose my point of this post was to hopefully get people to really think before they post a comment, think about the people that they are passing judgement on. Perhaps like me, they've tried to have A child for 10 years, have suffered 4 miscarriages and had just endured their 15th "happy knocked up" announcement that week......and reading about another much longed for pregnancy was just too much for them to bare anymore....
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