Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Feeling Sorry for Yourself Days Post

Ok I want to ask a question and take a poll.

This question is aimed at all of those who have experience miscarriage.

Do you mourn your loss on what should have been your due date? Do you mourn the first year anniversary of the day that you lost your baby? Or do you just let these days slide by and get on with life?

Ok, can I see a show of hands please?

Today I got asked what was up with me? Why was I unhappy? When I reminded them that in two days time it was the 1 year anniversary of my due date from my 3rd miscarriage, I got told that 'yeah but those days are just times that you feel sorry for yourself" or words to that affect (I can't remember exactly because there have been quite a few tears since it was said).

Is that true? Am I just holding onto those dates purely so I can feel sorry for myself and bawl my eyes out? Become miserable about what I have had and lost and still don't have? Do I even have the right to mourn these days and dates?

Or am I holding onto these dates because if I'm not lucky enough to have children, these dates could be the only link I will ever have to motherhood and becoming a parent? Long past dates of what could have been, of days I should have been becoming a mother, a parent.

As I sit here with yet more tears streaming down my face, I'm torn between "getting over myself and my feelings" and not remembering the dates to try to move on with life and wanting to remember every single date that I possibly can that links me with motherhood because those dates are the only thing(s) that I may ever have relating to motherhood.

As I wipe away yet another tear, I can't decide what hurts most the upcoming date in two days time or the fact that the person who referred to the anniversary as a feeling sorry for yourself day was Bikerman......


  1. How on earth could someone say that? I can't wrap my around that. I mean, even if one thought this, how could they voice it outloud to someone who has lost three pregnancies?

    You're speaking to a biased crowd, or at least in my case, a biased person, but I've had two losses so far, and even to this day, despite being the P word again, I count to when i lost my first. I think about how I'm supposed to deliver in less than five weeks. I wonder what my child would have looked like.

    No, its not because I want to feel sorry for myself. There were times the pain was/is so strong I wish with all my heart I could numb it.

    They say even women who have abortions, often grieve on the day of their child's would've been birthdays, and light candles, or go to church.

    I will be honest though, I never knew how deep the pain of losing a child to miscarriage was until I went through it. This person obviously never had a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss. I hope they are spared the pain of ever finding out for themselves how real the pain is and how it comes of its own accord.

  2. I can sort of answer your question, but it has less to do with miscarriages and more to do with the "sad" feeling.

    But first let me say that i don't think it's a bad thing that you're remembering your dates right now. It's a way for you to connect to what could have been. I see nothing wrong with that.

    When I was grieving the loss of my mom (I'm not comparing the 2, I'm just using it as an example) I would get so sad and stay in that spot. Then I got use to that spot and I would stay there longer and longer. For me, it was easier and more comfortable to be miserable and "wallow" in it then to be happy. I was protecting myself. If I was sad and something bad happened, then I wouldn't have far to fall. But if I was happy and something bad happened, I had a LONG way to fall. I didn't want to fall again, so instead of falling, I just stayed in the miserable spot. Maybe that's where your head and heart are at. You've had a lot of "life crap" to deal with, hon. You could just be in that sad spot becuase you're afraid to fall. I hope this is making sense and it isn't offending you. If so, you know my email address and you can yell at me. I'm sending you lots of love this week, as well at strength and peace.

  3. Men just don't deal with these losses the same way we do, and I think it's hard for them to decide between being sympathetic and just listening, versus trying to be a cheerleader and help us move on (and not always knowing if we are ready or able to do that). My husband did not understand why every period made me cry. He doesn't understand why even a less than stellar visit with the RE makes me cry. He doesn't understand why or how I can remain worried about the progress of our cycle, worried about things that haven't even gone wrong yet. I haven't experienced a miscarriage (just failed IUIs and IVF) but I am willing to bet your partner (you wrote it was your partner who said it, right?) just wants to see you happy and is trying to say whatever he thinks it takes to help you move past things that make you sad. Men don't deal with pain the way we do.

  4. For me, the due dates were the hardest - I had to really fight the notion that I *should* have a baby right now and instead I have a glass of wine and an onery cat. It just didn't seem fair.

    The loss dates weren't as bad because I knew that today, I wasn't going to have that pain and that really helped.

    The thing is - you need to decide what you want to do with these dates. If you want to be sad, do it. Do not in any way give a flip about what anyone else says - including Bikerman. Each person handles loss differently and if you need to spend the day bawling, then do it. We work so hard to do what we think others expect of us and what is 'normal'. You should give yourself permission on these dates to do what you want. If Bikerman doesn't understand, that's his problem. Find someone to help you through those days who does.

    The key is to recognize that you aren't weak, you aren't giving in, you aren't being whiny. You're doing what you need to do to mourn. End of story.

  5. First of all, I want to say how sorry I am about what Bikerman said. My husband has said similar things to me and it hurts much worse coming from him than anyone else because in my mind HE SHOULD BE FEELING THE SAME PAIN - IT WAS HIS BABY TOO! I can honestly tell you that I do not feel comfortable being honest and open with my husband about my feelings with infertility anymore because of comments VERY similar to the one you just shared.

    Second of all. Yes. I mourn my due date, the date we found out we were pg, the date I miscarried, all of them. I don't feel bad about it one bit. This was my child and although I never saw him/her, he/she was never "born" he/she is still my child and I feel that I have the right to mourn that child the same as anyone who has lost one of their children.

    I am so sorry you are facing this anniversary. Please be good to yourself. I really don't have any good advice as far as Bikerman goes because I am kind of in the same shoes.

    Big Hugs my friend!

  6. With my first pregnancy, I mourned the loss date but didn't mourn the due date because I was pregnant for the second time by then. With my second, I mourned the due date but haven't reached the anniversary of the loss yet.

    I didn't do it deliberately, it just happened each time. For my part,I think it's natural and you will remember / mourn for as long as you need to.

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And I'm so sorry that the comment came from Bikerman.

  7. I'm sorry he said that to you! My husband never really understood my pain until we watched Marley and Me. There is a scene in the movie that fit our situation and it took my husband watching that to understand. I'm at odds with my best friend right now because she feels like bikerman, it broke my heart when she implied that to me. She was one of the lucky ones who got knocked up with a total stranger the first time the two had sex.

    I mourn the Month we got pregnant, the month we lost our baby and the day our baby should have been born...I do that with my four angels. It isn't about feeling sorry about yourself, it is about feeling close to the baby you never got to hold. The anniversaries are all we have left of what should have been our miracle babies.


  8. Morning gorgeous.

    Yes I remembered those dates however a few years ago I decided that for me personally I had to let go of the dates and not drown in them. Having Brenton did help although I must say it did not stop the day I had him. It came the day I accepted that I would most likely never be having anymore children, a day I never imagined in my wildest dreams would come as I have a never give up attitude and are quite determined by nature. 4 miscarriages - two before Brenton, two after, dreams of having 3-4 children that I had held so tight to since I was a sml girl. Letting go was something that happened gently over time, it could not be forced. Does that mean I am now ok with the cards life dealt me? No bloody way lol, it just sits more comfortably with me now than it once did and does not consume my every waking moment as it once did. That said I often wonder how I would feel if I had not been able to have Brenton and have those inner maternal extincts sated. You describe these in a prior post so well. Not good methinks!


  9. Oh Dear - I'm so sorry you have been so upset at such an unhappy time anyway. It would be easy to blame Bikerman ( or anyone else who said something hurtful) for being unkind and making you cry. Many of us say or do the wrong thing when either grieving or with others who grieve. I've read similar words of pain from other bloggers when well meaning but hurtful things are said. People say the wrong things but I guess they do it because they do .....not because they wanted to hurt you or meant to cause you pain but because they said what came first or was meant differently. We are all imperfect and lost for the right words when we just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you have been hurt.

  10. Sorry Bikerman said that :(

    I remember the dates, the EDD and the loss dates... and it's not to feel sorry for myself, I mean I don't clamor for attention- I just remember and miss the ones that should be here. I mostly cry in private and go through the papers and u/s's and visit the tree and rose bush we planted... and let myself go through my grief in my own way. We all grief differently, we all go through different stages, we all take different amounts of time and energy making our way through it.

    Many (*hugs*) hun,

  11. Thats a really mean thing to say Rach! I think mourning our losses and remembering on the appropriate days is all part of the healing process.
    I still remember my due date and date of miscarriage for all of my pregnancies!!!

  12. I stand corrected in the sense that it was your husband who said this so he has gone through loss with you. The fact that your husband said it makes it all make sense. My husband hasn't said that exactly, but I know he's felt it in the round about way he's said things. I think they feel so helpless that sometimes really dumb things fly out. Like other posters have said, men like to be fixers, and they want to do what they can even if its not the right thing.

  13. You're not feeling sorry for yourself, but for the one who's not with you now. It wouldn't be selfish to cry on your mother's birthday if she were gone, and you're not selfish for mourning your child. I don't think you would be a better person if you tried to forget people you'd lost (whether you met them in person or not), so that you don't hurt. I do agree it makes sense that it's your husband who says so. I know my DH gets so upset when he sees me unhappy that he gets ANGRY. He has to fix things so I'm not upset, and if he can't, he becomes irrational. He has been getting better, but I think it's just how they're wired. It's touching, albeit very unhelpful.

    This is just my $.02 of course - I have not suffered a miscarriage (that I know of - wretched luteal phase defect) so I cannot claim to understand this for real. But I don't see how it could be wrong to grieve.

  14. Hey girl! I just invited you to view my blog and I wanted to let you know that at first I did take your comment badly, but then I reread it and I know you meant it with love. However, it did help make me wanna make my blog private..mostly b/c I feel so vulnerable and hormonal right now. And I mean that as in it kinda made me finally decide on making my blog private. I had been considering it for a while! Neways..I wanted to invite you to view it now b/c I realize that your comment wasn't meant to be mean :D Does that even make sense??

  15. I always think about those days that should-have-been. I'm remembering your day with you too.

  16. I don't think there is anything wrong with mourning on those "anniversaries." Let yourself feel the emotions, and feel their strength weaken a bit as the day ends and a new one dawns.

  17. People are so freaking insensitive. Assholes. I swear.

    Yes, I remember the days of my 3 miscarriages. I dont celebrate EDDs because I think they are simply "estimates". I choose to remember the day of the miscarriage (or the starting date of it rather). And, in my head, I still go through how old those babies would be. When Peter and I talk about our children, we include our three miscarried babies too.

  18. I still think about and mourn what could have been when both the EDD and the date of the miscarriage rolls around. At the end of July, I found myself thinking of the first birthday that wasn't. At the new year, I was a mess of tears because a year ago I was pregnant, no matter how briefly. I think the people who are telling you to just get over it are insensitive and should try losing a very badly wanted baby and see how they feel. Actually, no. I couldn't wish that pain on anyone. However, you have every right to be sad right now.

  19. I remember - I remember the days that I miscarried and the days that should have been EDD. Other people don't always understand, but if you are still waiting for that longed for baby those dates are the closest thing you've got.

    Look after yourself

  20. The one month anniversary of my miscarriage passed last week. I was a mess (all over again)for two days...Actually, it doesn't ever go away, does it?

    You've lost a member of your family.It's important to grieve, I think, no matter how long it takes.