Sunday, September 6, 2009

Fathers Day - My Version

Today was Fathers Day.

It was my second one without my beloved Dad here to let me lavish praise on him which he always deserved. My Dad was the best Dad out of all the Dads that I knew. My cousins (who are all older than me by 11+ years) told me after my Dad passed over that they wished he'd been their Dad. Wow. Thats not something you say lightly and it just confirmed what I already knew, my Dad rocked.

For some reason this Fathers Day, was harder than the first. I'm not sure why but my guess would be that I was still in a state of shock and relief when the first one rolled round. Shock that he was really gone and no longer here, relief that he could finally breath and that he didn't have to fight for every breath that he took.

I cried last night as I lay in bed. I haven't shed a tear today. Today I watched a movie that I knew he would have loved. I'm lucky in that I know that Dad has been with me alot since he passed over, he's made his presence be known through feeling, noises and smell and I was lucky enough to have felt him today.

Today I've been quiet and still. I've reflected on what this day means not only to me but to all of those who may no longer have their Fathers or who are struggling to have a child or adjust to life without children.

You see today is not only a day where I don't have a Father to celebrate Fathers Day with but it's also the day BikerMan doesn't get to celebrate being a Father too.

It's on days like these that I get the guilts. I feel guilty that BikerMan isn't a Father yet. I feel guilty that my Dad never got to become a Grandfather, something I know he would have LOVED to have been.

I feel guilty that MY body has denied these two men in my life that I love so dearly, the chance to become something they both want to be but were/are denied...

This afternoon BikerMan and I went down to the coast and just sat and watched the ocean. My Dads ashes were scattered into the sea and so when I want to feel close to him I go and sit by the ocean. Today as we sat and looked out at the waves crashing onto the rocks, I wrapped my arms around BikerMan, rested my head on his shoulder and entwined my fingers between his, I felt somewhat at peace and as we looked out onto the horizon and saw a dolphin frolicking in the waves, I knew my Dad would always be not very far me and always there should I need him.

10 comments:

  1. Sorry it's such a hard day - but glad you have good memories and strong support. Hope your day is a peaceful one.

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  2. I'm so sorry sweetie. Big hugs! I can't even fathom what it would be like to have a Father's Day without my dad and it makes my heart just ache for you. I'm so glad you lived through his memories yesterday. I'm sure he was sitting with you while you watched the movie and I know he was at the ocean.

    Please try not to beat yourself up about not making B a dad. It isn't your fault and someday you two will be parents and Father's Day will be such a huge celebration! Please tell your wonderful husband Happy Daddy's Day all the way from Arizona!

    Where do you live? My sister is in Australia, so I knew yesterday was Father's Day. I would have told B happy Daddy's day had I known you guys were in that part of the world.

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  3. I'm so sorry that today was a painful one for you. My Dad is in his mid 60's now and I'm terrified of loosing him.
    (((ugs)))

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  4. Remembering your dad with you today and sending thoughts to Bikerman... And to you also...
    Hugs...

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  5. Remembering your father with you, he sounds like he was a great guy. I'm sure he was with you. Thinking of you and Bikerman.

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  6. ((((HUGE HUGS))))) I'm sorry that this is a down day. I bet your father is looking down on you trying to comfort you and wipe away the tears.

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  7. I'm sorry. Sad, poignant post. You, Dad and Bikerman are in my thoughts - thanks for this lovely ode to the important men in your life. You've made me remember to appreciate mine. xoxo

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  8. A lovely tribute to your Dad. I'm so sorry you lost him, he was obviously precious to you (and likewise I'm sure).

    It's so hard when we take the guilt of childlessness to ourselves. But it really, truly is not your fault. You are doing the best you can with what you can control, and that's all any of us can do.

    ((((hugs))))

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  9. Beautifully written.
    I have never had what you had with your dad and my dad is alive! You are blessed to have had a dad who loved you so and who you have such lovely memories of. I wish I could take your pain/guilt away re Bikerman, I know how much that pain can eat away at you. I did end up with 1 child and 4 miscarriages, the guilt I suffer now is not having been able to give my child a much wanted by all sibling. Tis not easy or fair hey... sigh!

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  10. I'm glad you feel and felt your dad on such a difficult day for you. I'm just starting to feel my mom every day. it's hard to open myself up to that. I always think, the pain and the sadness will come. Sometimes it does, but a lot of the time it doesn't. I love it when it doesn't. I wish for many days of no sadness and happy memories of your dad for you.
    *HUGS*

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