Today was Fathers Day.
It was my second one without my beloved Dad here to let me lavish praise on him which he always deserved. My Dad was the best Dad out of all the Dads that I knew. My cousins (who are all older than me by 11+ years) told me after my Dad passed over that they wished he'd been their Dad. Wow. Thats not something you say lightly and it just confirmed what I already knew, my Dad rocked.
For some reason this Fathers Day, was harder than the first. I'm not sure why but my guess would be that I was still in a state of shock and relief when the first one rolled round. Shock that he was really gone and no longer here, relief that he could finally breath and that he didn't have to fight for every breath that he took.
I cried last night as I lay in bed. I haven't shed a tear today. Today I watched a movie that I knew he would have loved. I'm lucky in that I know that Dad has been with me alot since he passed over, he's made his presence be known through feeling, noises and smell and I was lucky enough to have felt him today.
Today I've been quiet and still. I've reflected on what this day means not only to me but to all of those who may no longer have their Fathers or who are struggling to have a child or adjust to life without children.
You see today is not only a day where I don't have a Father to celebrate Fathers Day with but it's also the day BikerMan doesn't get to celebrate being a Father too.
It's on days like these that I get the guilts. I feel guilty that BikerMan isn't a Father yet. I feel guilty that my Dad never got to become a Grandfather, something I know he would have LOVED to have been.
I feel guilty that MY body has denied these two men in my life that I love so dearly, the chance to become something they both want to be but were/are denied...
This afternoon BikerMan and I went down to the coast and just sat and watched the ocean. My Dads ashes were scattered into the sea and so when I want to feel close to him I go and sit by the ocean. Today as we sat and looked out at the waves crashing onto the rocks, I wrapped my arms around BikerMan, rested my head on his shoulder and entwined my fingers between his, I felt somewhat at peace and as we looked out onto the horizon and saw a dolphin frolicking in the waves, I knew my Dad would always be not very far me and always there should I need him.
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