Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Reason for the Change Post

So why the change?

It's quite simple really, the past month has been one of realisations for me. Not all at once and not right in your face very obvious changes, just subtle ones that take their time to reveal themselves but when they do, it DOES feel like someone has walked up to me, slapped me across the face and yelled "why didn't you realise that sooner?" LOL.

It's been confronting. It's been eye opening. It's been scary, upsetting, dark but at the same time, relieving and peaceful. The last quote on my header from the Dalai Lama has helped me adjust to this change of thinking....."The purpose of our lives is happiness". Even if I never become a Mother, I can still be happy. In fact if I never become a Mother, I owe it to not only myself but also BikerMan to be happy. To embrace my life, our life for what it is, rather than dwell on what it is not.

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves." How utterly true is this statement? How can I expect my body to conceive and carry a healthy child when I have so much negativity, bitterness, anger and expectation just pouring out of it? I put so much pressure on my body every cycle, that every cycle my body is failing just amounts to more pressure next cycle. Yes my body is failing but focussing on that every month hasn't worked for the past 120+ odd cycles so perhaps it's time I stopped? My body is apparently my temple, so perhaps it's time I gave it a break and just once when it doesn't do something that supposedly comes naturally to it, I just don't mention it rather pretend it never happened.

I "lost" a friend a few weeks back and took the plunge to email her last week and ask what had happened. She told me that my blog was profoundly sad, heartbreaking in fact and that she couldn't read it anymore. Which was fine. I respect people's decision in what they choose to read and what they choose not to read, I'd hate to think that anyone was reading me purely because they felt they "had to", thats not why I write. I write because it helps my head stay partially sane and I write because I like being part of the ALI community. If people don't like what I say or how I say it, by all means click the little x in the corner, close the window and move on, if you do like what I say and how I say it then yes, please do keep coming back, I love my readers and the comments they leave!

She told me that misery loves company (or in words similar) and funnily enough BikerMan has told me the same thing time after time. "You're never going to be happy while you surround yourself with sadness". To a point they are both right HOWEVER I have no desire to leave my blog, my readers OR the people I read. Yes it would be fan-freaking-tabulous if my life was all fairies, cupcakes and coloured marshmellow rainbows and glitter but omg thats right it's the real world and it's not. Sad things happen in life and unfortunately I just happen to blog about subjects that are hard to deal with and upsetting to have to keep going through time after time. I make no apologies for how I write. I write whats happening in my head, if I don't get it out here I'll go insane and probably throw myself in front of a truck. This means that yes there are going to be sad things written, angry things and posts regarding depression, it needs to be said, needs to be shared.

The last thing she mentioned was this post on why I want to be happy for infertiles but I struggle to be. I was very honest on that post and was told so by many commentators. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am ALWAYS happy when a fellow ALI community member falls pregnant. The reason for that post was to get the point across that yes I may not always seem happy about PG announcements but deep down I am I just struggle to show it and that is no crime. I really wanted to put that message out there, that you can feel disappointed, sadness and depression about others getting knocked up and acknowledging those emotions is perfectly fine and healthy and normal!!

I want to say that I haven't written about why my friend stopped reading me to "out" her or embarass her (though she no longer reads me so that doesn't really matter) I did it because her email was another of my realisations. Something also clicked in my head that made me see what she was saying from a different perspective. I also want to say, publicly, that yes I WAS and AM 100% truly happy for her. I don't do fake congratulatory statements, if I say I'm happy for you then I am.

Lastly I understand that some don't want to read about my struggles and you know what, that is completely FINE. Like there are some pregnancy blogs that I can't read, there will be some who find my writing just too bleak, depressing and YES at times bitter and judgemental. Let me assure you though that unfortunately I'm an opinionated little cow, always have been and always will be. I hold my hands up and admit freely that yes I've been bitter in the past, I'm sorry but 10 years struggling to achieve what others only seem to have to sneeze to achieve, I'd like to meet anyone who doesn't hold even the tiniest bit of a bitterness or resentment towards people who manage to get what they want so easily while they struggle time after time. Of course this does not maketh an excuse but it is what it is and I can't change the past. What I can do is move forward and hope to change the future.

It is your choice if you choose to read, yours if you choose to not read but I am me, I'm honest and I put my feelings out there...and yes there will always be people who don't like that.....

New Look (surprise surprise!) and New Attitude

I will explain in a longer post tonight but rest assured it IS still me blogging but with a (hopefully) new attitude and so new look.....the title says it all really....whatever will be....

Back later xx

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Gazing from the Window Post

If I stand at our bedroom window and direct my gaze downwards slightly and to the left, my eyes fall upon a seemingly normal house.

This house however isn't normal. Why? Well to put it simply, its the perfect "average" family house.

In this house lives a happily married couple. They built their house the same time we built ours, three and a half years ago. About a year after that along came their first born, turning their coupledom into a family. Another year on, came along their second born, thus expanding their family and turning them into the "average" family.

Their firstborn was a girl. Their secondborn a boy.

Believe me when I say that you cannot get any more "average" aka "perfect" than this couple and their children. Their daughter is gorgeous, their boy even more so. They have the station wagon, family get togethers at Christmas and a Mums group round once every couple of months.

Their weekends are spent doing "family things", bbq's with other parents with children, listening to the Wiggles in the car, laughing in the backyard with their children.

Who knew that being "average" would be so hard to achieve?

I spend alot of time looking out my bedroom window, at the street, at other children playing in the street, the sky and the trees and at their house and their "average" family and life.

However I always make sure to let the curtain drop back into place, hiding my face before the tears fall onto my cheeks.

I never thought I'd ever say this but......I just want to be "average" too.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Random Numbers Post

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 8

They are just numbers. Random numbers that don't even run in sequence. Numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they are another unfulfilled dream. Numbers that refer to another day that two didn't become three. Another day I didn't become a parentt.

1 7 0 9 2 0 0 9

More numbers. Again random, that don't run in sequence. Again numbers that to anyone else would mean absolutely nothing. However to me, they signify a whole year. 365 days that have passed, in which nothing major has happened except that I've lost yet another baby.

Today was a hard day, a very hard day. And I felt so very very alone. I wandered aimlessly around Ikea this afternoon. I hadn't wanted to spend the afternoon alone but with BikerMan working to the evening and all my 'friends' busy and unable to offer me any time, it was alone I spent it. Alone but surrounded by people, as well as lots of babies and lots of pregnant bellies.

No matter where I went today, the universe was determined to surround me with the things I crave the most, babies and pregnant bellies. Everywhere as far as the eye can see.

Ikea normally cheers me up, it's like Mecca, where I go to pray as Ikea and all it's designers are God. Today it was like there was a funeral around every corner. I walked around the displays aimlessly barely registering what I was looking at, picking up a items here and there. After I'd made it back to the car, I sat down, closed and locked the door and sobbed my heart out.

Despite being around loads of people all day I felt like I was falling back into a pool, slowly drowning and all I can see is the light slowly fading and as much as I scream no one can hear me.

And in 23 days I get to do it all over again......unless I manage to "get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself"......

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Feeling Sorry for Yourself Days Post

Ok I want to ask a question and take a poll.

This question is aimed at all of those who have experience miscarriage.

Do you mourn your loss on what should have been your due date? Do you mourn the first year anniversary of the day that you lost your baby? Or do you just let these days slide by and get on with life?

Ok, can I see a show of hands please?

Today I got asked what was up with me? Why was I unhappy? When I reminded them that in two days time it was the 1 year anniversary of my due date from my 3rd miscarriage, I got told that 'yeah but those days are just times that you feel sorry for yourself" or words to that affect (I can't remember exactly because there have been quite a few tears since it was said).

Is that true? Am I just holding onto those dates purely so I can feel sorry for myself and bawl my eyes out? Become miserable about what I have had and lost and still don't have? Do I even have the right to mourn these days and dates?

Or am I holding onto these dates because if I'm not lucky enough to have children, these dates could be the only link I will ever have to motherhood and becoming a parent? Long past dates of what could have been, of days I should have been becoming a mother, a parent.

As I sit here with yet more tears streaming down my face, I'm torn between "getting over myself and my feelings" and not remembering the dates to try to move on with life and wanting to remember every single date that I possibly can that links me with motherhood because those dates are the only thing(s) that I may ever have relating to motherhood.

As I wipe away yet another tear, I can't decide what hurts most the upcoming date in two days time or the fact that the person who referred to the anniversary as a feeling sorry for yourself day was Bikerman......

Monday, September 14, 2009

THAT question

Ha! I know what you're thinking....which question?

You see there are SO many questions that THAT question actually could be. So many questions that as InFertiles, we get asked on an almost daily basis, so many questions that are inappropriate and to be frank, no one elses damned business to be asking!

This question however refers to how as InFertiles we are told and often expected to be grateful for whatever we can get in the way of Motherhood.

By this I mean, if I had a $ for every time I've been told "Oh why don't you just adopt?" and "If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?" and my favourite "It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

Now lets look at these....

"Oh why don't you just adopt?"
Adoption in Australia is neither easy, cheap nor a short process. Adoption can take years, sometimes 10+, it can cost into the tens of thousands - routinely costing well over $30 000 and there is alot of red tape - especially when adopting from overseas.

Now if we were hitting the point we are hitting now with having ttc for 10 years and 4 miscarriages and we were younger, then yeah I'd honestly say lets give adoption a go but we are not and unfortunately it's NOT an option for us.

The major thing that stands in our way re adoption is DH's age. He is 40 and by the time we went through the process, he'd be considered too old - something he's actually considered now when it comes to adoption.


"If you want be a parent, then does it really matter if it's not a baby you get?"
and
"It doesn't matter if you carry the child or not, you'd still be a parent!".

I can actually answer these two together.

Fertiles get to get knocked up, usually have a stress free pregnancy or at least one that ends with a living breathing baby at the end and get to experience their childs life from day of conception. I do not consider this experience an exclusive one just for Fertiles, I believe this experience should be allowed to be experienced and rejoiced in by ANYONE who wants become a parent, Fertiles and InFertiles alike.

For me parenthood is raising a child regardless of age BUT is it such a sin that my desire is to raise that child from the moment it's conceived like so many others are allowed to do?

Why, just because I'm InFertile, should I be grateful and happy, that ANY child regardless of age or how it came to be MY child is mine? This isn't a case of settling and being made to be grateful of becoming a mother any which way I can.

I so desperately want to experience that BFFP, that first ultrasound, that ultrasound where I get to see OUR childs heartbeat. The ultrasound where I get to find out if OUR child is a boy or a girl. I want to feel that first flutter of movement in my belly, feel that first kick, have OUR child lay on my bladder or kick me in the ribs. I want those pictures of my ever expanding belly. I want people to rub my bump and tell me that I'm glowing. The labour (yes even the pain!!) of bringing OUR child into this world, hearing the first cry, enjoying the first feed, seeing OUR child learn to crawl, walk and talk.

I want to have that argument with someone over whether or not I should be breastfeeding OUR child or whether I should be putting OUR child into cloth nappies over disposables. I want that picture of OUR child with chocolate cake all over his or her face on their first birthday.

I'm InFertile.

But

Why does that mean I have to settle and be grateful for what I can get, rather than what I want?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Looking Looking Looking but no....

.....comments.

I routinely look at my blog during the day and refresh to see how many people have been looking at my blog.

In the past 40 minutes I've refreshed 3 times and each time I've had 8, 7 and 10 more "readers" each time and yet no comments.

It makes me wonder what makes people comment and what makes them just read and then click elsewhere?

Do someones words have to jump out at you to make you want to leave them a comment? Do you have to agree with what the author has written or perhaps strongly disagree?

Some are happy to just blog and not receive comments, others thrive on what others think about their writing and perhaps they like knowing that their blog is offering others support or hope and so receiving comments is like receiving hope and support back.

I will put my hand up to blogging better when I'm receiving comments, it makes me very much more aware of blogging well because I know people are reading my words and so I strive to make sure my posts are well written. Don't get me wrong, my blog is for ME, not for anyone else, it's a place where my soul comes to vent and divulge itself, it's its haven and if I never received another comment, I'd still blog BUT my soul does enjoy receiving comments, knowing it's not alone in putting itself out there for the world to judge and comment on.

Would you still blog if you never had and never would receive a comment on anything you wrote?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Angyle

In nine days it will be the day that I should be celebrating one of my Angyle* childrens first birthday. Instead I will be remembering yet another unfulfilled due date.

Twenty three days after that unfulfilled date, I will be facing my unfulfilled due date from my miscarriage in February of this year.

It will also be three days after what should have been my beloved Dads 65th birthday.

The next 32 days are going to be a slow descent into hell I'm afraid.....I can feel the blackest of clouds forming already, gettng read to swallow me whole, crush me until I can no longer breath, squeezing tear after tear out of me, stealing yet another piece of my heart....

*Angyle is the Welsh word for Angel

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Fathers Day - My Version

Today was Fathers Day.

It was my second one without my beloved Dad here to let me lavish praise on him which he always deserved. My Dad was the best Dad out of all the Dads that I knew. My cousins (who are all older than me by 11+ years) told me after my Dad passed over that they wished he'd been their Dad. Wow. Thats not something you say lightly and it just confirmed what I already knew, my Dad rocked.

For some reason this Fathers Day, was harder than the first. I'm not sure why but my guess would be that I was still in a state of shock and relief when the first one rolled round. Shock that he was really gone and no longer here, relief that he could finally breath and that he didn't have to fight for every breath that he took.

I cried last night as I lay in bed. I haven't shed a tear today. Today I watched a movie that I knew he would have loved. I'm lucky in that I know that Dad has been with me alot since he passed over, he's made his presence be known through feeling, noises and smell and I was lucky enough to have felt him today.

Today I've been quiet and still. I've reflected on what this day means not only to me but to all of those who may no longer have their Fathers or who are struggling to have a child or adjust to life without children.

You see today is not only a day where I don't have a Father to celebrate Fathers Day with but it's also the day BikerMan doesn't get to celebrate being a Father too.

It's on days like these that I get the guilts. I feel guilty that BikerMan isn't a Father yet. I feel guilty that my Dad never got to become a Grandfather, something I know he would have LOVED to have been.

I feel guilty that MY body has denied these two men in my life that I love so dearly, the chance to become something they both want to be but were/are denied...

This afternoon BikerMan and I went down to the coast and just sat and watched the ocean. My Dads ashes were scattered into the sea and so when I want to feel close to him I go and sit by the ocean. Today as we sat and looked out at the waves crashing onto the rocks, I wrapped my arms around BikerMan, rested my head on his shoulder and entwined my fingers between his, I felt somewhat at peace and as we looked out onto the horizon and saw a dolphin frolicking in the waves, I knew my Dad would always be not very far me and always there should I need him.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Jumping Ship and Judgement

We've had some "happy knocked up" news in the ALI blogosphere lately, lots of "happy knocked up" news to be honest, lots and lots of InFertiles are finding themseves knocked up with a sprog in the making.

This is fan-freaking-tastic. Even though my previous post showed how vulnerable my emotions are to these announcements, my happiness for these InFertiles is always there, it's just not always visible nor forthcoming because it's fighting with many other emotions.

The comments I received on that post, showed that I'm not the only InFertile that is struggling and does struggle on hearing "happy knocked up" news and let me tell you that's a huge relief. I was told several times via the comments how honest I was and while I admit to not sugar coating my feelings, I'd hope that others would do the same thing, tho I realise that this is always easier to say than put into practice. I suppose the reason why I don't sugar coat my feelings and let them show through on my blog is that if I didn't, then how would people know when I needed support? If I was constantly putting a mask on and appearing 'happy' when perhaps I wasn't, how would people know if I was sad or not coping? They wouldn't, so I make sure my blog is a place where I am totally 100% me, bad feelings and all, this is where my soul comes to bare itself, recoup and ask for a hug occasionally, it feels safe here. Why does it feel safe? Well I think alot of the safety comes from knowing that my words are read by other people who are in very similar situations to mine, not the same as we are all unique in ourselves and our struggles but definitely similar. People who read my blog possibly know what it's like to struggle with something that really should come naturally; possibly know what it's like to suffer such a heartwrenching loss that you're not sure if you can ever breath properly again; possibly know how hard it is to see everyone else around you manage to get what you so desire. Safety also comes from knowing that people who care about me and what happens to me read my words too.

In general the ALI blogosphere is such a supportive non judgemental community.

The fact that I think this is perhaps why I was so troubled to read some of the comments of this post by Murgdan. In it she made a comment about the fact that she has had a multitude of readers who have unsubscribed and jumped ship from her blog since she posted her "happy knocked up" news. Various people, and there were quite a few, who later commented felt the need to question why people would jump ship just because Murgdan was lucky enough to find herself now knocked up, some even went so far as to leave comments that were littered with words like rude, fairweather friends, find them sad, boo-hoo to those who left, never truly readers, how rude(!!). While these people are entitled to their opinion and Murgdan herself said she 100% completely understood WHY readers had left her blog once she announced her "happy knocked up" news I felt that there was a fair amount of judgement coming out via those comments and it left me feeling very sad.

I posted a comment trying to defend why some of these readers may have jumped ship but it appeared to fall on deaf ears. Normally I would have just posted a congratulations comments but these people could have been talking about me had I not already decided (against what my heart was advising me to do btw) to keep reading Murgdan's blog.

The problem I have with these comments is that these people are really judging people from afar without really knowing their back stories, their struggles or why they were reading Murgdan's blog in the first place. When I first started this blog, as I came across blogs from all aspects of the ALI blogosphere, I read their stories and if I like them, identified with them in anyway or just enjoyed what they wrote I'd add them to my list of blogs to read. The more I read the more aware I became of the amount of different struggles so many of the ALI community go through, how even though we are all linked by InFertility of some kind, we are all different, our struggles are different and yet our end goal is the same - to become a parent. I learnt quickly through reading these blogs that I could no longer judge anyone before I knew even a little of what they'd been through, it just wasn't fair and after all who am I to judge someones feelings or how or why they struggle with something? Answer, I'm no one but a fellow InFertile and rather than judging them I should be offering them support and trying to understand where they are coming from, rather than seeing where I think they should be headed.

When I read Murgdans "Just Relax" post, I'd had 15 "happy knocked up" announcements that week already and it was only Wednesday. At that point, reading her post and her second Beta post could have had me clicking delete on her blog but something stopped me, I'm not sure what but something did. Despite my very dark place at the minute regarding all knocked ups, I've actually kept reading all the knocked ups blogs whom I read when they were still ttc. It's been hard but I followed them on their jouney TO get knocked up and so would like to see the end result. Sure I have days where I just cannot read their blogs, it happens but I don't delete them, I just realise that some days I can't face their "happy knocked up" pregnancy updates.

There will come a point where I just can't handle it anymore and believe me when I say that that point has almost been hit a couple of times recently and when it does hit, it will be buh bye to every single pregnancy blog in my reader. I will stop reading them whether I've been following them for days, months or years, my sanity, fortunately, will come before whether people consider me a rude, sad, fairweather friend who was never truly a reader or not. Perhaps the people who unsubscribed to Murgdan's blog had already reached that point? I don't know, I can't say and I can't judge because I don't know them but if they had and thats why they did, I completely understand, just like Murgdan does.

After all my rambling, I suppose my point of this post was to hopefully get people to really think before they post a comment, think about the people that they are passing judgement on. Perhaps like me, they've tried to have A child for 10 years, have suffered 4 miscarriages and had just endured their 15th "happy knocked up" announcement that week......and reading about another much longed for pregnancy was just too much for them to bare anymore....

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Knocked Up Infertiles - Why I Want to Be Happy For You but....

....I struggle.

To say I've really struggled with the pregnancy tsunami that is hitting the ALI (and real life in my case) blogosphere at the moment is an understatement.

I always thought that when an InFertile got knocked up it was great and in reality it IS great, honestly it is. To see another who has struggled in the same OR similar way to yourself and then see them get success is a fantastic feeling, it gives you hope that one day it may indeed be you who is posting about your BFFP or great Beta result.

However, if you're human, it also can and probably does make your heart break a little, make tears well in the corner of your eyes and send the questions of "why isn't that me?" and "when is it going to be my turn?" spinning around your head over and over.

If you find yourself trying to deal with this mixed bag of emotions, it can be hard to admit them, no matter get support while you try to deal with them. You daren't tell the lucky knocked ups in our little community that you're happy for them but at the same time also devastated, upset, angry and perhaps a little bitter because lets face it, it probably wouldn't come across very well and no one in the throes of excitment over finally becoming knocked up wants to hear about a fellow InFertile who may be struggling with their good news.

I, unfortunately, will here and now put my hand up to feeling all these things in the past but especially over the past couple of weeks.

The last few weeks has felt like I just get up after being hit in the stomach by one cannonball (BFFP/Beta Result/Pregnancy Announcement), straighten up only to get hit in the gut by another BFFP announcement. It would appear that it matters not if these InFertiles have been struggling for months or years, it still hits me just the same.

Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for ANY InFertile who manages to find themselves knocked up (regardless of how they got knocked up) but the feelings of anger, disappointment and lately bitterness are there, bubbling away beneath the surface and to be honest I'm tired of trying to hide them away.

While the knocked up Infertiles post about their 'happiness' and 'joy' or 'cautious excitment' (I understand that one completely!), it seems wrong for another Infertile to post about my struggle with their good news, like it would be bad form, sore loser type of syndrome but then again I suppose in a way I am the loser, in the baby race at least.

I often wonder why I AM the loser in the baby race, who I managed to piss of in a former life to end up with the mother of all struggles to BECOME a Mother. During times like the current pregnancy tsunami, I ask that question even more frequently. Who decides who has waited long enough? Who decides that one persons struggle has been just hard enough while another must go on to struggle for an undetermined amount of time?

I also often wonder when I read the latest 'omg I'm pregnant' post and all the subsequent 'congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you' comments attached to it, if there are any other InFertiles reading who feel the way that I do but don't want to post about it or comment about it? Instead they choose or perhaps feel they have to keep their feelings to themselves, bubbling away beneath the surface, multiplying and festering. A couple of the most recent 'BFFP' posts I've read, I've left comments on that perhaps others frown upon, showing my struggle with the happy news. Was I right to do it? I'm not sure but others don't sugar coat their feelings so why should I? Isn't that what makes the ALI blogosphere so great? Our ability to be blunt, open and raw in our emotions? Hiding nothing and sharing things we'd never thought we'd share with virtual strangers?

Surely I can't be the only InFertile struggling with these feelings?