Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version

DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks. The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.

Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks. Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.

12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time. I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful. I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.

I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy. I will never have a normal pregnancy. Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.

I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy. I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come. Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby. Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks. Who rush out to buy baby clothes. Who scour baby name books. Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.

Those type of women are the ones I envy.

7 comments:

  1. Rach, I so understand where you're coming from. I agree, pregnancy for me is pure torture with every moment spent racked by anxiety and worry.
    I don't mean to sound pushy, but please think about what I emailed you about a few weeks ago. My 6 first trimester miscarriages are all as a result of a structural issue, one which had I had an HSG years ago I could have avoided.
    Thinking of you, I relate to your pain so well!
    (((hugs)))

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  2. I envy them too... Like you, I feel like I will never have a "normal" pregnancy and some days I find that I mourn that along with our losses.

    Sending hugs...

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  3. I'm so sorry for your miscarriages. They are painful. I wish nothing but an uneventful pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end!
    *HUGS*

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  4. I envy them too... I get really bitter of it.

    Big (*HUGS*)

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  5. *hugs*

    I'm so sorry for your losses. I hate that anyone has to go through it even one time, and when its recurrent, its a pain only one whose been there can fully comprehend.

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  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your losses! I also envy these woman. I long for the day I get to see my next positive pregnancy test but I dread all the fear that will come along with it. I dread wiping and seeing red or pink on the toilet paper, blah! I also don't like Celine Dion right now! Like you said, her husband is too old and they got pregnant on their first try after the baby had been frozen for 8 years...bite me!

    If you don't mind, I'd love to follow your blog!

    *ICLW*

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  7. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog yesterday!

    I can't imagine the constant fear that you must live in. I hope that your fears are squashed with a successful pregnancy.

    (hugs)

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