Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Knocked Up Infertiles - Why I Want to Be Happy For You but....

....I struggle.

To say I've really struggled with the pregnancy tsunami that is hitting the ALI (and real life in my case) blogosphere at the moment is an understatement.

I always thought that when an InFertile got knocked up it was great and in reality it IS great, honestly it is. To see another who has struggled in the same OR similar way to yourself and then see them get success is a fantastic feeling, it gives you hope that one day it may indeed be you who is posting about your BFFP or great Beta result.

However, if you're human, it also can and probably does make your heart break a little, make tears well in the corner of your eyes and send the questions of "why isn't that me?" and "when is it going to be my turn?" spinning around your head over and over.

If you find yourself trying to deal with this mixed bag of emotions, it can be hard to admit them, no matter get support while you try to deal with them. You daren't tell the lucky knocked ups in our little community that you're happy for them but at the same time also devastated, upset, angry and perhaps a little bitter because lets face it, it probably wouldn't come across very well and no one in the throes of excitment over finally becoming knocked up wants to hear about a fellow InFertile who may be struggling with their good news.

I, unfortunately, will here and now put my hand up to feeling all these things in the past but especially over the past couple of weeks.

The last few weeks has felt like I just get up after being hit in the stomach by one cannonball (BFFP/Beta Result/Pregnancy Announcement), straighten up only to get hit in the gut by another BFFP announcement. It would appear that it matters not if these InFertiles have been struggling for months or years, it still hits me just the same.

Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for ANY InFertile who manages to find themselves knocked up (regardless of how they got knocked up) but the feelings of anger, disappointment and lately bitterness are there, bubbling away beneath the surface and to be honest I'm tired of trying to hide them away.

While the knocked up Infertiles post about their 'happiness' and 'joy' or 'cautious excitment' (I understand that one completely!), it seems wrong for another Infertile to post about my struggle with their good news, like it would be bad form, sore loser type of syndrome but then again I suppose in a way I am the loser, in the baby race at least.

I often wonder why I AM the loser in the baby race, who I managed to piss of in a former life to end up with the mother of all struggles to BECOME a Mother. During times like the current pregnancy tsunami, I ask that question even more frequently. Who decides who has waited long enough? Who decides that one persons struggle has been just hard enough while another must go on to struggle for an undetermined amount of time?

I also often wonder when I read the latest 'omg I'm pregnant' post and all the subsequent 'congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you' comments attached to it, if there are any other InFertiles reading who feel the way that I do but don't want to post about it or comment about it? Instead they choose or perhaps feel they have to keep their feelings to themselves, bubbling away beneath the surface, multiplying and festering. A couple of the most recent 'BFFP' posts I've read, I've left comments on that perhaps others frown upon, showing my struggle with the happy news. Was I right to do it? I'm not sure but others don't sugar coat their feelings so why should I? Isn't that what makes the ALI blogosphere so great? Our ability to be blunt, open and raw in our emotions? Hiding nothing and sharing things we'd never thought we'd share with virtual strangers?

Surely I can't be the only InFertile struggling with these feelings?


  1. You certainly are not the only one. I can't bring myself to leave a congrats note on posts once the "omg" announcement is official. I feel mean, bitter, and petty because these women have been through the same thing I'm going through; it's just how I handle it for the most part. I get really stuck in those ruts of "why me?" (or more to the point, "why NOT me?") and the announcements feel like a kick deeper into that hole. I haven't been at this as long as many women, but I seem to have caught up spectacularly with the anger over being IF, like a raging indignation. Most days I just try to remember that "it is what it is" (whatever the hell that really means) and get on with my day. Until the next drug or the next procedure or the next cycle...

  2. I hate it. I know I was also very aware of it when I actually was pregnant, that not everyone is going to be thrilled, because that means they have been left behind. Now I find pregnancy announcements even harder because it reminds me that I did have it and lost it.


  3. Very honest post Rach! And yes I can relate on some levels. I am genuinely happy to see one of us crossing over to the other side, but with my happiness comes a sense of longing, wishing it could be me too or wishing I could go with them. As for what you did to deserve this, the answer is simple - NOTHING! Its so corny but I've come to believe it to be true... sometimes shit just happens.
    The BFP Tsunmi, while it stings a little bit also gives me hope that I can also get caught up in it and perhaps it can be my turn next???

  4. You're not. You're just more honest.

  5. I think most infertiles feel this way. One of my friends told me that everytime she read an announcement, she did the math to find out her statistics of conceiving and, once she was pregnant, every time she read an announcement, she ran the statistical chance that she would miscarry. So, it is there. Dont think it isnt. Most people just dont say anything. Like the previous poster said. You arent alone; just honest.

  6. Absolutely, you aren't the only one. When we were TTC, I was honestly happy for the pregnant infertile, but I certainly also felt that stabbing jealousy/sadness for myself.

    I am one of the recent preggos, and I felt almost guilty posting my good news. I would never blame anyone for not leaving a comment, or for feeling mixed emotions about my two lines.

    We may be infertiles, but we are also human.

  7. You are definitely not the only one who feels this way. I think it's wonderful when any IF'er gets pregnant, but on the other hand I think if they could do it, why can't I?
    At least online, if you're not feeling too supportive, you can just slip off into the background, read another blog. IRL you don't get always get that option...

  8. You're right; it is *very* hard to hear happy "I'm pregnant" news. I struggle because my sister-in-law is pregnant and is due just a little over a month before when I should have been due. Seeing her reach each milestone in her pregnancy is a little bittersweet for me, but I try to remember that she tried 3 years for this baby and totally deserves this happiness.
    Hang in there, hon.

  9. You are *absolutely* not alone in your feelings.

    Whenever I read about a BFP, I feel additional jealousy over the fact that these lucky women actually have the OPTION of carrying their own child. They will feel their baby grow and kick inside of them. Something I will never experience....even if surrogacy is successful for me. It sucks.

    But, at the same time, I can honestly say that I've cried tears of joy for many, many women in this community, once they achieve their BFPs.

    It's a schizophrenic existence, aint it? =)

  10. While I'm always happy when someone else gets their long-awaited BFP, I always feel a sense of wistfulness and longing. Then curiosity gets the better of me and I'm so curious about their new pregnancy posts ... I wonder if it'll be the same for me if I ever get my BFP.

    I have to say, though, it seems like there's been a deluge of them lately. I hope some of that luck comes my way!

  11. As you will have already read, you are not alone in how you feel. I am genuinely very happy for every IFer who posts she's pregnant, but I can only sustain that pleasure for a very short time, and then that Yvonne Fair song starts playing in my head - "it should have been me"...

    Thank you for putting words to what so many of us have felt.

  12. You are not alone. I feel the same way.

  13. Of course you're not alone in this. I think we all struggle with this to an extent. For me, I am happy for them, but soooo sad for myself sometimes. And I know that I'm not the only one, so I knew my good news (fleeting as it was) was hard for others; so I tried to keep that in mind, come what may.

    I am glad you are open and honest about these things. But, I do love honesty. What we feel is human, and should be acknowledged.

  14. OMG - THANK YOU for writing this post!!! I have felt & thought the exact same things - in fact, I've removed blogs of those that have since gotten pregnant. It is so comforting to know I (we) are not alone & we are not monsters. :) You rock!!!

  15. I'm right there with you sweetie! It is so hard to see others live their dreams when all of mine became nightmares. Four of my babies did not make it and sometimes it kills me to see others so happy with their babies when mine are not here. I will be honest though, I'm okay seeing infertiles get pregnant for the most part. Yes, I do get jeaouls but I get over it! HOWEVER, anyone else gets pregnant and I'm a monster, lol!


  16. During ICLW week when I read a pregnancy announcement post and I would see your HONEST comments about it, I would applaud you. Just because I love that you are TRUE to your feelings, even though you're happy for the infertile. I love that you don't sugar coat anything. You have always been honest with compassion.

  17. Definitely not the only one. It is entirely possible to be happy for another person & sad for yourself at the same time.

    I can usually manage a "congratulations!" comment, but I find it difficult to comment through the rest of the pregnancy on u/s updates, etc.

  18. I think you're totally normal and in right in writing about your feelings. That's what blogs are for. When I first started this and wandered through blogs that I thought would be about infertility and they were writing about pregnancy I was pissed!

    I think everybody has felt like that, and if they say they never have, they are lying. You are just the brave one who posted it!

  19. According to the 18 comments before me, you are not alone ! I have felt this way for the past 7 yrs. Yes, I do offer congrats and well wishes for many of my fellow oldies that have been with me for many years...we have become friends. But I do have a hard time with newer followers though...

    Great posting subject btw..:)

  20. Just human Rach. But the "political correctness" of society means we don't say such things in public or to people's faces. I've started speaking up to family about our struggle and it's helping somewhat.

    What irks me more - the women who treat pregnancy and having a baby like it's no big deal. Just want to slap my sister in law silly.

    Ok - I've had my rant! Big hugs gal :) (One of your SS followers here!)

  21. Add me to the list too. I have recently been trying to figure out why my response to various pg announcements varies so much -- some of my friends, IFers and not, I am just happy for and for some I can barely keep it together enough to get through the formalities. I haven't been able to figure out the rhyme or reason yet.

  22. Rach honey I so hear you, it is very sad to see all the baby posts. I for one have felt that you have worded you posts appropriately, you have not in anyway said anything mean. I have a little crystal angel on my dresser with a note under it. This note is about you. It expresses my feelings and wishes for you. I suppose in hope that it will help you get what you desperately want and need. You know where I am if you ever need me. Don't hesitate. Don't hide how you feel, you are entitled to have eelings, good or bad they are yours.
    Love Mel

  23. I read your post when you first wrote it, but have been contemplating it and wondering how to respond. I understand that reading pregnant posts can be upsetting because I remember it felt that way to me... I always felt happy for the people but it echoed my own loss stronger. For me its weird because I do seem to see positive lines lately, but I keep losing the pregnancy. (knock on wood that I don't this time). This is why I was scared to blog about being prgnant for the third time this year... because I was afraid to upset anyone.... but then I chose to talk about it because it happened and I rely on the support of my IF sisters. I am sorry if sharing upsets you though. It's a guilt that I struggle with. I try not to be obnoxious about it, particularly since I know how fragile pregnancy is in my life.... but still I do get your feelings.