To say I've really struggled with the pregnancy tsunami that is hitting the ALI (and real life in my case) blogosphere at the moment is an understatement.
I always thought that when an InFertile got knocked up it was great and in reality it IS great, honestly it is. To see another who has struggled in the same OR similar way to yourself and then see them get success is a fantastic feeling, it gives you hope that one day it may indeed be you who is posting about your BFFP or great Beta result.
However, if you're human, it also can and probably does make your heart break a little, make tears well in the corner of your eyes and send the questions of "why isn't that me?" and "when is it going to be my turn?" spinning around your head over and over.
If you find yourself trying to deal with this mixed bag of emotions, it can be hard to admit them, no matter get support while you try to deal with them. You daren't tell the lucky knocked ups in our little community that you're happy for them but at the same time also devastated, upset, angry and perhaps a little bitter because lets face it, it probably wouldn't come across very well and no one in the throes of excitment over finally becoming knocked up wants to hear about a fellow InFertile who may be struggling with their good news.
I, unfortunately, will here and now put my hand up to feeling all these things in the past but especially over the past couple of weeks.
The last few weeks has felt like I just get up after being hit in the stomach by one cannonball (BFFP/Beta Result/Pregnancy Announcement), straighten up only to get hit in the gut by another BFFP announcement. It would appear that it matters not if these InFertiles have been struggling for months or years, it still hits me just the same.
Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for ANY InFertile who manages to find themselves knocked up (regardless of how they got knocked up) but the feelings of anger, disappointment and lately bitterness are there, bubbling away beneath the surface and to be honest I'm tired of trying to hide them away.
While the knocked up Infertiles post about their 'happiness' and 'joy' or 'cautious excitment' (I understand that one completely!), it seems wrong for another Infertile to post about my struggle with their good news, like it would be bad form, sore loser type of syndrome but then again I suppose in a way I am the loser, in the baby race at least.
I often wonder why I AM the loser in the baby race, who I managed to piss of in a former life to end up with the mother of all struggles to BECOME a Mother. During times like the current pregnancy tsunami, I ask that question even more frequently. Who decides who has waited long enough? Who decides that one persons struggle has been just hard enough while another must go on to struggle for an undetermined amount of time?
I also often wonder when I read the latest 'omg I'm pregnant' post and all the subsequent 'congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you' comments attached to it, if there are any other InFertiles reading who feel the way that I do but don't want to post about it or comment about it? Instead they choose or perhaps feel they have to keep their feelings to themselves, bubbling away beneath the surface, multiplying and festering. A couple of the most recent 'BFFP' posts I've read, I've left comments on that perhaps others frown upon, showing my struggle with the happy news. Was I right to do it? I'm not sure but others don't sugar coat their feelings so why should I? Isn't that what makes the ALI blogosphere so great? Our ability to be blunt, open and raw in our emotions? Hiding nothing and sharing things we'd never thought we'd share with virtual strangers?
Surely I can't be the only InFertile struggling with these feelings?
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