Saturday, August 22, 2009

ICLW - ~Updated~

So, even though I've been a participant in ICLW before, I will admit that I've been slack and not followed up with the commenting.

This month all that is going to CHANGE.
**Updated**
Last night and tonight (Saturday) I have sat down and commented on every single blog (bar two because of their blog playing up and being password protected) in the IComLeavWe list this month. Thats comments on 144 blogs (not counting the two I couldn't comment on) in 24 hours. My aim was to become an Iron Commentator on my first month of proper comment leaving and I'm so chuffed to have done that. I've come across some really lovely blogs this evening & last night and found quite a few to add to my list for regular reading. I've (hopefully) left some thoughtful and well meaning honest comments on the blogs I've read and all in all it's been a lovely way to spend two evenings.

I wanted my Abridged Version of my Miscarriage History to be the post that other ICLW posters/readers read first but please, I do encourage you to look beyond this first post to my last 5 or so posts on my blog, as recently I've written some posts that I've been really happy with and that have received some varied comments on, that have offered me a different perspective on how I wrote and what I wrote.

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version
"DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks.
The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.


Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks.
Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.


12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time.
I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful.
I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.


I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy.
I will never have a normal pregnancy.
Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.


I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy.
I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come.
Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby.
Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks.
Who rush out to buy baby clothes.
Who scour baby name books.
Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.


Those type of women are the ones I envy. "

47 comments:

  1. Wow - I'm so sorry you've been through all you have. I can't even imagine the pain of a miscarriage. I have not experienced the losses but I have been trying for a long time like you have. It's such a hard thing to deal with.

    Lots of luck with your ICLW goal! Iron commenter with such a long list of blogs is going to be impressive :) I calculated that I'd need to comment on about 17 blogs/day to do it - not sure I have that much free time! hehe

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  2. Oh my goodness. I feel like my problems aren't near as bad. I'm sorry that you have had so many miscarriages. I can't imagine the pain you have been though. I know the pain of not seeing those lines. But to see them and then have to walk around expecting a bad outcome has to be terrible. I'm so sorry for you but I'm glad I read your blog so I can maybe get my Little problems into perspective. Thanks for the comment
    And good luck on Plan B too!!!

    ICLW

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  3. Thanks so much for your comment! I'm so sorry for the losses that you have experienced. I can't even imagine the heartache that you have had to go through.

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  4. Thanks for the messages over my way...it's so nice to find new blogs to read!

    And I commented on yesterday's post, just so you know to read it! Happy ICLW!

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  5. HAPPY ICLW!

    I think ALL your posts are well written. The last few have really made me think. Which I also love!

    I wish I could erase your pain away form your losses. Since I can't, I wish for you to be happy. Truly happy. I want you to smile with your eyes and your heart. You deserve so much more then what The Universe continues to throw at you.
    *HUGS*

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  6. Way to start off ICLW strong!!! :) Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words on my blog.

    I am sorry for your losses and hope and pray that someday you get a sticky baby that will make it full term and come home with you.

    I know the pain of losing babies early on in pregnancy and also one shortly after her birth. You are so right about what it does to your experience of future pregnancy(s). It definately takes away the "innocence" of normal pregnancies. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

    ICLW

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  7. Your honesty and strength are admirable. You have been through so much.

    Even though I haven't known the depths of your hurt, I'm still here to listen. Thank you for sharing your history.

    Hugs

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  8. I cannot even imagine all of the pain you have come to know with so many miscarriages. I have no words. I hope that you are able to find some peace in your life despite everything you have been through. You are so amazingly strong, and you are such a hope to others who may be experiencing the same thing.

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  9. Thanks so much for visiting me! I do hope that you make Iron Commenter this month!

    ICLW #67

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  10. Thanks so much for visiting my lil' blog. And good luck with the iron commenter thing, i dont know if I could do it! So sorry that you have been going through all this crap... it is not fair. I sincerely hope that you get to the bottom of whatever is going wrong and that in the near future you are holding your baby in your arms.

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  11. 40 posts? That's awesome! Thanks for visiting me yesterday!

    I am so sorry about your losses and that it's hard for you to hope now. But I hope you will get to hold a baby in your arms soon!

    A few things - I do agree with you on your Celine Dion post (my grandpa isn't even 68) and what's a sprog? :)

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  12. Thanks for the post on my blog. Good luck with the Iron Commenter, that is really a big goal!

    About the Celine Dion thing - What strikes me as odd is that her 2 kids are actually the same age, even though they are born 8+ years apart. Strange. And who knows how many times she's tried without success, they don't publish that in the tabloids. And who knows if this is the embryo that she froze - it could very well be DE and she's just not being truthful. You just never know what happens behind closed doctor's office doors.

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  13. Wow, that's a LOT of comments! Good for you!
    That innocence of early pregnancy that those of us who have miscarried will never quite get back is something I think about quite a bit. I'd never want to take that away from anyone, but I most certainly would like to have it back myself. In fact, that anxiety is something I know I'll have to work very hard to keep at bay if/when I get pregnant again and I haven't quite figured out how that can be managed.
    All the best to you and I'm so very sorry for your losses.

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  14. Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I've never stopped here before, but I'm glad I did. I, too, am sorry. I agree with what someone said before, that your history makes mine look tame. I hope things get better from here for you!

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  15. Wow! An iron commenter on the first day. Congratulations!!! Thanks for stopping by and saying Hi on my blog. I love meeting new people and finding new blogs to read!! ICLW

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  16. *hugs* Thank you so much for the kind comment you left me. Emotions kinda suck, huh? lol!

    That is so awesome that you did so many comments, you go girl!

    Take care,
    Sonja
    ~ICLW

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  17. Congratulations on iron commentator status, I managed once, is hard work!
    Thanks for stopping by my blod and commenting.
    I am so sorry you have been through so many loses, I cant even begin to imagine how hard that must be for you. I am hoping that you get your baby one day soon.

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  18. Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. Gosh Rach, you sure have been put thru the wringer on this journey. I can only hope that you do get your happy ending soon.

    Thinking of and praying for you.

    xxx

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  19. Wow, I can't believe you've commented on every blog already. I'm not trying to be an Iron Commenter, but even still I have to pace myself. Thanks for stopping by my blog. And I love your writing style. Very honest and fresh.

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  20. You really meant it when you said your slacking off on commenting was going to change. Whew! I am a slacker too and decided tonight it was going to change. Then I read your post. Um...I don't think I have the stamina to do what you did but I sure do appreciate you visiting my blog.

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  21. I am sorry for all the pain that you have been through. I have to admit that one of my mental consolations when I get yet another BFN is that I would rather have a BFN than have to deal with a BFP and then a loss. I admire you and all the other women in the blog community who have been through that. I know that you just deal with it when its the hand you're dealt, but I cannot fathom it.

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  22. Thank you for commenting on my blog! I am so sorry for your losses and all you have been through. Have you gotten any answers from doctors as to why this is happening? My cousin had 8 miscarriages and one molar pregnancy before finally conceiving and carrying a twin pregnancy (with help from the doctors) ... and then carrying a natural single pregnancy to term later.

    I hope you find some answers and get your wish soon. - Tkeys

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  23. Awesome job, Mrs. Iron Commenter!! Thanks so much for your comment on my blog! (((HUGS))) for all you've been through...I pray that you find answers and successes very soon!

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  24. Woohoo! Iron commentor in one day! That's awesome! Thanks for stopping by my blog. You have been through so much... I hope that you find the peace you seek!

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  25. Thanks for visiting my blog, and congratulations on your Iron Commentor status! What a way to start off the ICLW week, that is definitely an accomplishment.

    :: ICLW ::

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  26. Holy sh*t woman...I am totally blown away that you have already hit all the blogs. Wow. Thanks a million for stopping by my blog.

    I am so sorry for all your losses. It is heartbreaking.

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  27. Wow, great job commenting on all the blogs! Very impressive! Also wanted to say thanks for visiting my blog :)

    I totally understand what you are going through. I am so very sorry for your losses. I too find myself in that camp where a positive test only brings fear and anxiety. Especially those simple things - not wanting to go the bathroom.

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  28. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I feel the same way about pregnancy even though I have only had one miscarriage. When I hopefully get my next BFP we will aproach the preg with caution. Isn't it sad.

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  29. Yeah...so that really is the reason why I get to read your name on every ICLW lister I am visiting...Congrats for the IC!!!

    Wishing for a rainbow for both of us!

    ICLW

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  30. Congratulations on iron commenter status! That is definately a feat especially done in one day! Thanks for your comment on my blog. It is so true this time next year I'll feel the same way and wantbthese kids back :).

    I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine the pain fear and anxiety you must feel. I hope you are able to one day have what your heart desires. You are a great writer. I've enjoyed reading many of your posts. Thanks for sharing so much about yourself.

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  31. Congrats on ICLW iron! I usually try to do it in 1 day myself. This month has been a bit busy though.


    Thanks for giving us a back read. I've been TTC 5 years. Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever happen. I wonder if I'll be 10, 15, or 20 years down the road still childless. It sucks. Many ((Hugs)) to you.

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  32. Wow! You go, iron commenter!

    I have to say, I really related to this: "Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood." That is exactly, 100% how I feel.

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  33. How brave to just put it out there: this is what I want, this is what I long for, these are the sorts of women I envy. I'm working on figuring out how to be that honest about my wants. Thanks for the inspiration and brilliant truth!

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  34. So sorry for you losses,
    Blessings
    ICLW

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  35. Thanks for commenting on my blog, and for everyone elses for that matter!!

    Your losses give me a good dose of humility. I am so sorry you have been on that path for so long! I hope you have much better luck in the future.

    ICLW

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  36. I'm so sorry for all you have struggled with. I have never been pregnant in the 3 years we have been trying, and I wonder so often that IF I do ever get pregnant, how will I not be scared to death the whole time that it end too soon?

    Yay for being an iron commentator!
    (((HUGS))) for all your heartache.
    ~ICLW

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  37. Congrats on being an iron commenter!

    I don't have the strength at the moment to click on the blogs that are pregnancy or parenting.

    One day I hope to be so strong.

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  38. I got a late start to ICLW this week as well. I must commend you on all that commenting!! I am sorry to hear of your struggles but am happy to hear that blogging and the online support has been helpful for you. Good luck in all your future treatments.
    Brooke
    ICLW

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  39. Happy ICLW! Good luck on the Iron Commenter challenge! :)

    I wonder about the the details of Dion's story that they might've left out. Like how many tries it took before she became pregnant. And if they transferred more than one embryo, things like that.

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  40. Happy ICLW!

    Wow. What a roller coaster of heartache. I understand your fears even though I haven't suffered as much loss as you. Every time I go to the bathroom I check for blood; every pain or twinge I wonder. It's maddening!

    Here's to hoping you find what you are looking for and it'll be all worth it!!!

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  41. Oh, a sprog is a baby! That makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

    I swear I graduated from college. :)

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  42. I'm so sorry about all of your m/c's. I know I am lucky to have not gone thru any. Best Wishes for your next cycle. *ICLW*

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  43. Thank you for sharing. With five losses, I have an inkling of what you feel. Just got our 6th BFP and I dread going to the bathroom.

    I hope that, in the end, you will have a positive outcome that lasts the full nine months. {{{hugs}}}

    ICLW

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  44. Thanks for the bloggy love, Sprogblogger!

    I've left a couple comments on your posts in the past, but not sure if you remember me. =)

    Anyhow, your blog is sitting pretty on my Google Reader, and I always look forward to your updates.

    Cheers to you, my friend!

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  45. First, I am beyond amazed at your commenting prowess. You're terrific! Second, I want to pass along my sympathy for the horrific roller coaster you have been subjected to. It's just not fair. It sucks!

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  46. Thanks for the note you left, and I can completely understand why you don't take hope from others because your road thus far has proven otherwise.

    We figured out that my miscarriage history was a combination of (most likely) bad eggs and wrong hormone levels. I had to take clomid to get two of them, and progesterone pills for the first 12 weeks to keep myself from m/c'ing yet again.

    TTC/IF roller coaster is the most heartbreaking thing.

    *Hugs* ICLW

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