Friday, August 28, 2009

The "Dear....." Chronicles Part I

Dear Body

Hi it’s me. I’m writing this letter to you because I want you to know why I’m feeling the way I am and why at this point in time, you’re not my favourite person/thing.
When I was growing up, I never wanted children, heck I wasn’t even going to get married but then BikerMan came into my life and all that changed.
Never did I think that you – my body, would never perform as you should. You’d never given me reason to think that you’d perform in anyway other than you should, like you were built to perform.
You started my period around the same time as my friend’s bodies started theirs, it was regular, and there were no issues.
The day I fell in love with BikerMan, I knew that I wanted to have his children; you knew that too, did you not feel how our heart felt about him? Did you not feel how fuzzy our brain became when we thought of him? How our knees got weak when he walked into the room? Of course you did, so you also knew that having children with him was always going to be a want, no a need, that just had to be fulfilled.
You reacted well when we came off the Pill. We’d only been on it for a couple of months and you’d made it abundantly clear during that time that you didn’t like the Pill, so I thought you’d embrace being off it and you did. Our period started again and was regular as clockwork.
BikerMan and I started trying for a baby not long after we got together and I was hopeful, after all body you were working as you should.
You didn’t bless us with a pregnancy until nearly a full year after we were married and then you cruelly snatched that away from us weeks later.
It was then another 6 years before you blessed us again only to (again) snatch it away. 6 months passed and you thought you’d tease us again and break our hearts in one swift fluid movement.
Finally I arrive at this year. This year you let me see that word “Pregnant” on the HPT again and you gave me hope. Body you let me feel different, like perhaps this time could be it. It only lasted a few brief days before you decided to take that away from me too.
Your failure at doing the one thing that you were designed to do, has left me with no faith not only in you but also in myself.
My failure at being able to safely nurture another living thing inside me makes me doubt absolutely everything that I do now. I second guess myself over the smallest of things, thinking if I can’t manage to do something I was designed to do, what hope do I have?
Not only body, have you snatched away any dreams I may have had to become a parent but you’ve also snatched that dream away from my soul mate BikerMan. He loves me and because of that he is denied the right to become a Father, something that I know he would excel at. You’ve not only broken my heart body but you’ve broken his.
My best friend has a daughter who last weekend celebrated her 7th birthday. I too should be a parent to a 7 year old but you body, decided that wasn’t to be, for reasons I’m yet to understand or come to terms with.
I cry regularly now, tears from come from you, body and you know why I’m crying. I’m crying for missed due dates, missed first birthdays, missed the first time a child crawls, walks, talks, getting the first tooth, losing the first tooth, missed first days of school but most of all the silence that comes with never hearing the word Mum being called out to me....
Never again body, shall I take you for granted. Never shall I assume that you will function as you should, never will I hold my breath with hope that I may indeed be knocked up should my period be late. Do you know why? Purely because I have been down that road with you too many times. Never will I look at a BFFP (Big Fat Fucking Positive) again with anything but fear in my eyes. I will instead look at it and wonder how long you will let me live my dream for this time before snatching it away. In fact I’m not even sure if I will look at a BFFP as a positive thing, I’m not sure if I was to get knocked up again if I’d consider that a good thing or a bad thing, a lucky thing or an unlucky thing, a fortunate blessing or an unfortunate blessing and body...that is all because of you...you’ve changed me forever and not for the better....the next time our heart is aching, look deep within yourself to find out why...because you caused the ache....

9 comments:

  1. Dear UO
    I keep meaning to ask this question and then hesitate to. And if you don't want to answer I understand totally. Have you had bloodwork done to see what is the cause of your tragic losses? I am NOT a doctor but my first thought was maybe a clotting disorder is causing this. Again, I have no clue. Anyway, you know I'm thinking of you and wishing good things for you. Hugs xxxxx

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  2. No thats fine, ask away.

    A clotting disorder is a possibility but there are is also a VERY high possibility there are Chromosome issues too - which if the last issue IS what it is, then it's not actually my body thats the issue but thats a whole other post!

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  3. Hey UO!
    I love this post and I so get what you're saying!!! I have the same reaction to BFFP's!!!
    As per Seraphim, u can tell me to butt out, but I hate to see u go through this and hope you know that that is why I ask:
    Have u had HLA and Genetic profiling done?
    (((hugs))

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  4. You and I have had such similar conversations with our bodies. I would love for nothing more than to get a response. Some sort of reason. I know that day isnt coming (or if it does, that I will be in a mental hospital).

    Sending you warm thoughts and many hugs.

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  5. Oh honey, I feel your pain. Sending you my love xxx

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  6. Great letter, love! The last line made my heart ache for you. I prayed last night that you and BikerMan get your dream. It's not much, I know, but I'm always hoping, wishing and praying for you.
    *HUGS*

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  7. Your post resonated with me. I wish our bodies cooperated with us. This was a poignant post. We have to live in our bodies, but boy do they have a will of their own.

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