Saturday, August 15, 2009

Am I A Mum?

Since my first miscarriage all those years ago, I've often wondered when you get to be classified as a Mum?

Do you have to have had a live breathing baby placed into your arms to be able to classify yourself as a Mum? If you suffer a loss does it depend on the gestation of the pregnancy as to whether you're called a Mum or not? Eg if you suffer a loss at 24 weeks you're considered a Mum but had you suffered a loss at 16 weeks, you're not?

Do those who suffer early miscarriages, say when they are less than 6 weeks along, get the right to call themselves Mums?

Do my 4 miscarriages ranging from 5 weeks along right up to 10 weeks along grant me access to the Mum club? Does the fact that I've never seen a heartbeat on a little tiny grainy screen matter?

Will the fact that I may never hear someone call me "Mum" or say "Muuuuuum" with embarassment mean that I will never be a Member of the most exclusive club in the world?

So can anyone tell me, what classifies a Mum? When do YOU consider someone a Mum? When do you definitely NOT consider someone a Mum? Have you suffered losses, in particular early losses and still consider yourself a Mum?


  1. That's a good question. As an infertile, we often see a thick line between us and fertiles with their brood of children. But the term "mom" is a bit fuzzier. Who gets it? And who doesn't? There are a lot of in-betweens from conception to a bouncing baby.

    I think if you've suffered losses and you feel like a mom to those babies, then I would gladly think of you as one.

  2. Oooohhh I love your new page! I love the script, too! It's very elegant and fancy ;o) I know I'm late to comment on it, but I was unable to type the other day.

    I agree with Sunny. If YOU think of yourself as a mum, then you ARE a mum. I have thought of you as one, actually. I always get a bit upset when women say "I just want to be a mom". You have been trying, you did get pregnant and you loved those babies so much! You ARE a part of "The Club" in my opinion.

  3. I believe that a baby is a baby at the moment of conception. You are a mom from that moment on. So yes, you are a mother. Your babies arent here with you, but they grew in your womb and were and still are very loved by you. You are 100% a mother.

  4. I agree with Mechele, you (and I) are most definitely moms. Society may not agree, but I know in my heart that my little baby is up in heaven watching over us.

  5. You are more a mum than some mums who have many children.


  6. I think that if YOU think you are a mother, then you are one!

  7. I'm a Mom. I'm a Mom to 2x Fur babies who rely on me for everything. Perhaps I'm not a conventional mom, but I am still a mom.
    And Rach, regardless of whether you saw heart beats or not, the point is that those little blobs had the potential to be your children and they never got to live into the fufillment, don't ever down play your loss because of that!

  8. I honestly wrestle with this.

    When I write anything to my lost ones, I call them my child and myself their mother. I feel like I am lying, like I'm a poser, if I call myself a mother anywhere else... not because I feel that way in my heart, but because society brushes it off and says I am not.

    But in my heart, I feel like I am. I gave so much to create them, I loved them, and still love them with a passion that any mother could. And really, isn't that what ultimately makes someone a mother? The love of their child, whether that child is here or not?

    Very thoughtful post.

  9. i've thought about this a lot. i've miscarried twice. one i found out after the fact, and one was an early one. i have had a very difficult time connecting w/ people in regard to this. i'm really glad you brought it up. not much to say beyond that, but i really want to think on it some more.

  10. The minute my first baby was conceived, I was he/she's mommy! You my friend, are a mother in my eyes!

  11. I struggle with this question every day.

    If I carried my little one to term I'd be a mother. Am I not because I did not?

    I don't know.