Friday, August 28, 2009

The "Dear....." Chronicles Part I

Dear Body

Hi it’s me. I’m writing this letter to you because I want you to know why I’m feeling the way I am and why at this point in time, you’re not my favourite person/thing.
When I was growing up, I never wanted children, heck I wasn’t even going to get married but then BikerMan came into my life and all that changed.
Never did I think that you – my body, would never perform as you should. You’d never given me reason to think that you’d perform in anyway other than you should, like you were built to perform.
You started my period around the same time as my friend’s bodies started theirs, it was regular, and there were no issues.
The day I fell in love with BikerMan, I knew that I wanted to have his children; you knew that too, did you not feel how our heart felt about him? Did you not feel how fuzzy our brain became when we thought of him? How our knees got weak when he walked into the room? Of course you did, so you also knew that having children with him was always going to be a want, no a need, that just had to be fulfilled.
You reacted well when we came off the Pill. We’d only been on it for a couple of months and you’d made it abundantly clear during that time that you didn’t like the Pill, so I thought you’d embrace being off it and you did. Our period started again and was regular as clockwork.
BikerMan and I started trying for a baby not long after we got together and I was hopeful, after all body you were working as you should.
You didn’t bless us with a pregnancy until nearly a full year after we were married and then you cruelly snatched that away from us weeks later.
It was then another 6 years before you blessed us again only to (again) snatch it away. 6 months passed and you thought you’d tease us again and break our hearts in one swift fluid movement.
Finally I arrive at this year. This year you let me see that word “Pregnant” on the HPT again and you gave me hope. Body you let me feel different, like perhaps this time could be it. It only lasted a few brief days before you decided to take that away from me too.
Your failure at doing the one thing that you were designed to do, has left me with no faith not only in you but also in myself.
My failure at being able to safely nurture another living thing inside me makes me doubt absolutely everything that I do now. I second guess myself over the smallest of things, thinking if I can’t manage to do something I was designed to do, what hope do I have?
Not only body, have you snatched away any dreams I may have had to become a parent but you’ve also snatched that dream away from my soul mate BikerMan. He loves me and because of that he is denied the right to become a Father, something that I know he would excel at. You’ve not only broken my heart body but you’ve broken his.
My best friend has a daughter who last weekend celebrated her 7th birthday. I too should be a parent to a 7 year old but you body, decided that wasn’t to be, for reasons I’m yet to understand or come to terms with.
I cry regularly now, tears from come from you, body and you know why I’m crying. I’m crying for missed due dates, missed first birthdays, missed the first time a child crawls, walks, talks, getting the first tooth, losing the first tooth, missed first days of school but most of all the silence that comes with never hearing the word Mum being called out to me....
Never again body, shall I take you for granted. Never shall I assume that you will function as you should, never will I hold my breath with hope that I may indeed be knocked up should my period be late. Do you know why? Purely because I have been down that road with you too many times. Never will I look at a BFFP (Big Fat Fucking Positive) again with anything but fear in my eyes. I will instead look at it and wonder how long you will let me live my dream for this time before snatching it away. In fact I’m not even sure if I will look at a BFFP as a positive thing, I’m not sure if I was to get knocked up again if I’d consider that a good thing or a bad thing, a lucky thing or an unlucky thing, a fortunate blessing or an unfortunate blessing and body...that is all because of you...you’ve changed me forever and not for the better....the next time our heart is aching, look deep within yourself to find out why...because you caused the ache....

Saturday, August 22, 2009

ICLW - ~Updated~

So, even though I've been a participant in ICLW before, I will admit that I've been slack and not followed up with the commenting.

This month all that is going to CHANGE.
**Updated**
Last night and tonight (Saturday) I have sat down and commented on every single blog (bar two because of their blog playing up and being password protected) in the IComLeavWe list this month. Thats comments on 144 blogs (not counting the two I couldn't comment on) in 24 hours. My aim was to become an Iron Commentator on my first month of proper comment leaving and I'm so chuffed to have done that. I've come across some really lovely blogs this evening & last night and found quite a few to add to my list for regular reading. I've (hopefully) left some thoughtful and well meaning honest comments on the blogs I've read and all in all it's been a lovely way to spend two evenings.

I wanted my Abridged Version of my Miscarriage History to be the post that other ICLW posters/readers read first but please, I do encourage you to look beyond this first post to my last 5 or so posts on my blog, as recently I've written some posts that I've been really happy with and that have received some varied comments on, that have offered me a different perspective on how I wrote and what I wrote.

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version
"DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks.
The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.


Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks.
Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.


12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time.
I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful.
I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.


I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy.
I will never have a normal pregnancy.
Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.


I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy.
I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come.
Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby.
Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks.
Who rush out to buy baby clothes.
Who scour baby name books.
Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.


Those type of women are the ones I envy. "

Thursday, August 20, 2009

What is Wrong With the World?

I ask this question this morning with two stories in mind.

The first is that Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. How did she become pregnant with her second child? With an embryo that had been frozen for eight years in liquid nitrogen. This in itself is pretty amazing (and completely fucked), what's even more amazing is that she's going to become a Mum for the second time at the ripe ole age of 42 and Rene Angelil (minus all the fancy symbols above his name) will become a Dad at the even riper ole age of 68!?! Thats right, he will face parenthood for a second time as a pensioner.

I'm not sure what everyone else thinks of this but I have a couple of issues with it all.

The first is Rene's age. I'm sorry but just because men can become parents at 68 does not mean that they should. It's just wrong. I doubt that when that child is 3, that a 71 year old Rene will be able to run around after him/her (and yes I know they will probably have a nanny to do that but honestly as a parent, wouldn't he want to run around with his child?). What are the chances that Rene will be around to see his second (or perhaps even his first child) get married? Graduate University? It just doesn't seem right and I have real problems with it when there are so many husbands/partners of people I know who are desperate to become Dads who are in their 20's and 30's, even their early 40's and yet Fatherhood eludes them. I don't want to get into the whole 'who deserves it and who doesn't" or "no one deserves to be a father more than anyone else" but there simply must be questions asked when a man approaching 70 is set to become a Father.

The second is that she got knocked up with sprog with an embryo that is essentially 8 years old and she did it first time! I mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Hardly fair is it? Especially when you don't have to look far around our lil ALI blogosphere to find so many example of women who are trying to get knocked up with 'fresh' embryo's yet aren't successful time and time again. In what warped, fucked up world does a 41 year old woman get knocked up with a 8 year old embryo first time?!?

The second story, has thankfully, been proven to be a hoax, otherwise it could have seriously tipped me over the edge. A woman in Tunisia earlier this week claimed to be knocked up with 12 (yes thats right 12!) babies. 6 girls and 6 boys (how convenient!) and was determined to give birth to them naturally (yeah right). The story has now proven to be false and apparently the woman in question has "psychological problems" and is unlikely even pregnant.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Miscarriage History - The Abridged Version

DH and I have been trying to conceive a very much wanted first child for 10 years this year.

Our first loss was in Nov 2001 at nearly 10 weeks.

We then tried and tried some more but nothing.

Finally I conceived again while on holiday in Tasmania (on my birthday actually) but went onto miscarry our second baby in July 2007 at 6 weeks. The best bit about this pregnancy was that we conceived on my birthday and if the pregnancy had of been successful, my due date would have been DH's birthday.

Six months later, we conceived again however then went onto miscarry two days after getting our BFP in Feb 2008 at 6 weeks. Unfortunately on the same day we got our BFP, we also found out that my Dad's Cancer had come back and that he had Cancer of the Spine and Lung and the diagnosis was terminal, with a 12 month life expectancy.

12 months later, we were knocked up for the 4th time. I got excited, this time it felt different, I was hopeful. I miscarried in Feb 2009 at 7 weeks.

I will never again feel hopeful about a pregnancy. I will never have a normal pregnancy. Should I be lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to fall pregnant again, every day will be a day spent holding my breath, analysing every pain in my belly and fearing going to the toilet only to see blood.

I long for a baby of my own, a real live breathing baby but I will never be lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy. I envy those women who get excited at the sight of a positive home pregnancy test and only see happiness and what is to come. Who can't keep it to themselves and so rush to tell friends and family all full of joy that they are going to have a baby. Who have no fear of going to the toilet during their first 12 weeks. Who rush out to buy baby clothes. Who scour baby name books. Who look forward to their first scan and can't wait to see a heartbeat and not wonder IF they will see a heartbeat.

Those type of women are the ones I envy.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Am I A Mum?

Since my first miscarriage all those years ago, I've often wondered when you get to be classified as a Mum?

Do you have to have had a live breathing baby placed into your arms to be able to classify yourself as a Mum? If you suffer a loss does it depend on the gestation of the pregnancy as to whether you're called a Mum or not? Eg if you suffer a loss at 24 weeks you're considered a Mum but had you suffered a loss at 16 weeks, you're not?

Do those who suffer early miscarriages, say when they are less than 6 weeks along, get the right to call themselves Mums?

Do my 4 miscarriages ranging from 5 weeks along right up to 10 weeks along grant me access to the Mum club? Does the fact that I've never seen a heartbeat on a little tiny grainy screen matter?

Will the fact that I may never hear someone call me "Mum" or say "Muuuuuum" with embarassment mean that I will never be a Member of the most exclusive club in the world?

So can anyone tell me, what classifies a Mum? When do YOU consider someone a Mum? When do you definitely NOT consider someone a Mum? Have you suffered losses, in particular early losses and still consider yourself a Mum?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Everyone should have a Plan B


Do you have a back up plan? A Plan B?

If everything goes pear shaped, or worse still nothing actually happens do you have something to fall back on? Another plan? Another route? Another thing you can do?

I bring this up because of a quandary I find myself in.

I've wanted to do some study for awhile now. I'm 30 and I've had numerous jobs but nothing thats got me excited in my soul. I currently work in Aged Care looking after the Aged and Frail in their own homes and while I really enjoy it and get ALOT of job satisfaction out of it, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to study but study what? I've thrown a couple of ideas around but they always come back to one of two things...Counselling and then go on to do a Psych Degree =or= Massage, Reiki and Reflexology. The first option was always my favourite choice, I'm a good listener, my friends always come to me for my advice and I enjoy being able to help them out with their problems. For some reason Bikerman doesn't think that I'd make a good Counsellor (though everyone else I've mentioned it to does!) because I'm so opinionated but I disagree with him and I can actually turn my opinions off (but lets not tell him that!).

I've made some enquiries about a course to get a Diploma in Counselling. It's a course done via distance education, it's self paced (though they say you should be able to finish it in 24 months) and to do it would cost me just over $4000AUD. It would be paid monthly at a cost of $189AUD.

I got the information yesterday and really thought hard last night whether to do it or not. This morning, I had an epiphany. What am I waiting for?

I've put my life on hold and not committed to anything "longterm" for near on 10 years no just "in case" I get knocked up with sprog. I didn't want to get knocked up only to say "oh this is is shitty timing beause of x, y or z". And so I committed to nothing.

This morning I thought, what if I get to my 40th birthday (in just under 10 years) and still no children (if thats the case we won't be having any) and I look back on my life and go "what the fuck have I done with the past 40 years?"

I don't want to get to 40 and have no children but nothing else either. I don't want regrets. I need a back up plan and I think I just found one.....

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Makeover

Yet another one....lol yes yes I know, I'm a shocker but what can I say? I like change and get bored easily, heck I'm surprised I've made it to 9 years of marriage and NOT trade in Bikerman for a new sportier model yet!!

I was so chuffed with myself, I wanted to change my font but NOT to one of the boring few that Blogger offers and tonight I finally worked out HOW!?!?! Might seem small to some but for me it was a HUGE feat LOL

So what does everyone think?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Once an Infertile Always an Infertile?

What do you think?

I debated with my self whether to write this post or not because I fear it may ruffle some feathers and I have NO doubt that I will get some comments completely disagreeing with me but I thought ah fuck it and decided to "put it out there" despite the consequences!

You can blame Murgdans post for stirring my thoughts on this subject and then when Megan followed with her post from Murgdan's post, well it just snowballed!

I was talking to a "friend" (I use that term VERY loosely) last week who made the comment to me that she knew EXACTLY how I was feeling because she had struggled to fall pregnant for a year with her little girl. And just when they were getting completely and utterly mentally and emotionally exhausted with it all, they found out that they were knocked up with sprog.

I, of course, nodded, smiled and thanked her for understanding EXACTLY how I'm feeling after 10 years of trying to get knocked up with sprog and having 4 miscarriages and how it's great to have a "friend" who can totally relate to what I'm going through that I can talk to.

Was that a little heavy in the sarcasm? If so, my apologies, I swear I was as nice as pie to her in real life.

This got me thinking though, as to whether she possibly could know what I was feeling, experiencing or going through? Can someone who's struggled with IF for 1 year, really know what it feels like 9 years later to STILL be having the same struggles?

Or how about someone who's struggled with IF for 5 years?

What about the person who tried one IVF and got knocked up with sprog first try, would she consider herself part of the same community as the person who's tried 5 IVFs and still not got the prize?

Reading the comments on both Murgdans post and Megans post it's very obvious that IF's who are now pregnant still consider themselves to be very much a part of the IF community. As they should of course, it's not as if their IF status magically disappeared once they got knocked up with sprog.

HOWEVER

They are different. They can't not be. If I got knocked up with sprog tomorrow after nearly 10 years ttc, I'd be changed. The one thing I'd yearned for, after so many years, I'd now have. My whole perspective on things would change. I wouldn't view my pregnancy like a fertile does (oh to be that lucky, to actually enjoy 9 months of pregnancy and not worry about every twinge - wouldn't that be bliss?!?) but I wouldn't be wondering where my miracle was anymore.

I wouldn't be stalking the halls of despair constantly looking over my shoulder wondering whether the hall monitor aka depression is about to sneak up on me. Each new pregnancy announcement wouldn't send me into a ball of uncontrollable sobbing. I wouldn't see newborns and then have to wince at that dull ache in my chest that ALWAYS follows a newborn sighting.

So sure, the pregnant Infertile may unfondly remember their struggle to get knocked up with sprog and be able to relate to the struggles of a current infertile but they also now relate to the other Infertiles who have crossed over the other side and of course mixing in with the crossed Infertiles are the fertiles.

I would imagine that once that lil bundle of sprogness is placed in your arms, the months and years that you tried so hard to get knocked up probably go flying out the window. You're grateful and COMPLETELY realise how blessed you have been BECAUSE you were an INFERTILE once but now you're not. You've created a sprog, Infertiles don't create them because they're Infertile. Baby and Infertile are two words that just don't go together.

Now read that paragraph and ask yourself this. Baby and Infertile DON'T go together because if you have the first then you can't be the latter BUT I'm an Infertile but if I got knocked up tomorrow, I would all of a sudden not be classed as an Infertile? WTF

So what does everyone else think? Once an Infertile, always an Infertile? Or does your status change once you've become knocked up with sprog?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Awards


So after sitting here bitching to myself that no one ever nominates me for ANY awards, I go and get two!!

And so thank you to Mrs Bee over at The Secret Life of Sass and Lex and also to Michelle at To Baby and Beyond you guys ROCK!!

And so I have to now nominate 15 other blogs for this most prestigious of awards....


*Drum roll please*


My nominees are:

Plan B Family of Two

Mon @ Knocked Up Knocked Down

Dana @ One Step At A Time

Against All Odds

Shaz @ Mindful Meandering

Rebecca @ Crazy Lady Ramblings

An Unwanted Path

Nichole @ My Grasp At Sanity

Katie @ Isn't TTC Supposed to be Fun?

The Olsons

Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random

Vee @ The Sweet Life

Gil @ The Hardest Quest

The Life of Liv

Rachel @ Just What I Always Wanted

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Climbing Back on The Train

Ok.....so after getting off the train and trying my absolute darnest to move forward with my life and convince myself that I didn't need to have children in order to live a happy life...I've finally slapped myself and woken up to the fact that as much as I want to believe that thinking, I can't.

I can no longer deny that I want a sprog. I want to be knocked up with sprog. As much as I try to convince myself that this dream isn't NOT a necessity for me, for us, that I'd be fine, upset for awhile BUT fine if we don't become, parents, I'm not and I won't be.

And so I've decided that it's time to climb back on the train and ride it for a little while longer, hoping beyond hope that one of the stations that it stops at is "Baby for Mr and Mrs Bikerman".

Now this decision is NOT made lightly and it IS made with some conditions attached to it but it is made out of me wanting to keep my sanity intact and the ability to move forward rather than keep treading water while feeling like I'm drowning, which is what I've felt like I've been doing since my last miscarriage in Feb.

In order for me to even slightly be able to move on from ttc, I need to give it one more shot. And so I'm giving it 11 months. 334 [approx] days in order to get knocked up with a sprog. Gee when I put it out there like that, it sounds so easy LOL. Come the end of June next year, if we have not been successful, then so be it. It WILL be hard, it will be challenging and it will be upsetting and sad if we do have to walk away from ttc without being successful but I need my sanity back and I need to be able to at least start on the road to healing but not before I give it another crack. Not to mention that in 11 months, I will be 31 and DH will be 41 and while it may be fine for some to keep trying into their 40's I know it's something DH struggles with and it would be extremely selfish of me to expect him to continue trying beyond a point where he isn't comfortable in doing so.

I'm coming up to the part of my cycle that Bikerman and I should be getting freaky (I've already warned him, his quaking in his boots I tell ya!).

Next week I'm making enquiries into hiring a treadmill. Everytime I feel like eating choccie and anything else that tastes devine but is bad for me, I shall instead, walk my lil booty off on the treadmill.

This will not only improve my health but it will shrink my booty and hopefully increase my chances of getting knocked up and having a viable pregnancy.

Virtual Hugs for a Fellow Blogger

I have a request that you all go and visit Jen at Prior Fat Girl and leave some kind words and a virtual hug.

She lost her Mum (very unexpectantly) when she was hit by a car. Please let her know that she's not alone in her time of need and that there are people all over the world thinking of her.