Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Why?


Why?

For such a little word, it carries some big consequences. Why? can deliver wonderful news or it can deliver disasterous news. It can tell you what you already know or it can shock the shit out of you with it's answer.

Unfortunately it can also leave you none the wiser.

I went to visit a very dear friend today. We spent some time overseas together and she's been one of, if not THE greatest friend I've ever had. We've laughed together, we've been sad together and unfortunately we've also fallen out too and didn't speak for nearly 8 years (misunderstanding thanks to a meddling 3rd party) BUT we're back to being friends again, the past is just that, the past and we're intent on focusing on the future.

She's struggled to have a much longed for baby too. For the past two years she's had lets say reproductive issues and finally, earlier this year, she told me she was pregnant. She is now two weeks from delivering her (no doubt) gorgeous baby boy and I honestly could NOT be any happier for her if I tried. She is going to be an amazing Mum and I can't wait to share that experience with her.

As I stood in her kitchen today watching her sisters kids play outside with her partner, I felt a pang of "will I ever get to see BikerMan do that with our own children?" and it was immediately followed by a sharp pain in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach and for the first time ever, I truly felt myself feel that word NO form in my brain and slowly descend through my body where it came to rest right in the pit of my stomach.

I stood in that kitchen for 10 minutes nodding and laughing with my friend and her sister, watching the kids and laughing, cooing over her sisters youngest who already has such a cheeky personality and all the while I'm fighting the tear ducts in my eyes and so far winning the fight.

In between fighting with my tear ducts and trying to negotiate with the NO sitting in the pit of my stomach, I somehow let my mind wander and find the word WHY? forming in my head.

A few random Why? questions at first...

Why? do some only have to look at their partner and find themselves knocked up?
Why? are those who drink like lizards and take drugs like a junkie always end up being blessed with a child?
Why? do those same drinking lizards and junkie drug takers not see how lucky they are to have been blessed with a child?
Why? does the universe make the females who always yell at their children when out in public and make out as if their child is the biggest inconvenience ever, mothers?
Why? do these same mothers even have children if all they do is yell and seemingly resent the child?
Why? do people complain about this ache or that pain during pregnancy? Did they not realise that pregnancy was NOT going to be an all day picnic? After all they ARE growing another human being in there.

And then the Why? questions become more personal.

Why? am I standing in this kitchen feeling so sad and very alone in my battle against my bodies pitfalls?
Why? after 10 years, am I the only one in this kitchen, that parenthood still seems so far out of reach that no amount of stretching or ladders will help me reach it?
Why? can I not be happy with my lot in life?
Why? am I standing here wishing and wanting for what 'they' have?
Why? can they have it and yet I cannot?
Why? am I being punished in this horrible cruel heartless way, what good comes from depriving me my chance to be a Mother?

As the laughter surrounded me and the smiles flowed freely, I stood there willing myself to come up with answers, even just one, to these Why? questions and yet not one answer was forthcoming. I was losing the battle of the tear ducts and I could feel the NO wanting to burst through my body and spill out of my mouth.

I said my goodbyes and escaped to my car. I managed to drive around the corner before pulling over and promptly burst into tears. The tears flowed. And then they flowed some more. And still more came.

I had just been spectator to my perfect life. I'm not greedy, all I've ever wanted is a baby. Thats right I'd be happy with just one, for me 'our family' will be complete with just one. If two came along great, three brilliant but I'm not greedy and one would be a blessing. BikerMan + Me + Baby = 100% family happiness.

I've had a few people this week comment to me that they really couldn't understand what I'm going through or what I'm feeling and that they have no idea how they would deal with infertility and I truly hope they don't have to know how they'd know because I'd hate for anyone to have to deal with the misery that is infertility and fertility issues, too many already do and we do not need more joining our Silent Sorority.

I didn't know how to answer these people who made these comments to me but I've been thinking about it. Fertility and Infertility affects us all on so many different levels. It's not just about not being ABLE to get pregnant, it's about getting pregnant and then not being able to HOLD ONTO a pregnancy; needing IVF or a multitude of other procedures just to have a hope of becoming a Mum - coupled with no gaurantee that ANY procedure will actually work; getting pregnant only to experience a stillbirth; giving birth to a child only to have it die minutes, hours, days, weeks or months later.

It is all that, coupled with drugs pumping through your veins and then the emotional and mental side of things too.

For me it's not just about the four babies that I've lost, the missed EDD or the dates that first birthday's should have been happening on, it's about dealing with the thoughts that go through my brain daily of how my body has let me down just when I needed it to step up to the plate. It's not doing the one thing, as a female body, that it should be doing above all else. I was put on this earth to create life and yet my body is failing me and in the process making me feel like a fraud, a failure.

Add on top of that the fact that my body, is also denying BikerMan the opportunity to be the amazing Dad that I know he would be. My body has let my husband down, I've let my husband down. The man who would do ANYTHING for me, provide me everything I'm ever likely to need. By loving me, by wanting to be with me, he doesn't get to be a Dad and even if I can get my head around everything else, I will NEVER be able to get my head around how loving someone completely and truly can stop you from achieving your dream.

And there is yet another Why? question......

26 comments:

  1. Excellent questions. I wish I knew the answers too. :(

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  2. I know these are questions all of us have. The sad part is, we'll probably never know! I've been there too, the crying in the car around the corner. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. I wish I could say it'll happen... Hang in there!!!
    ~Michelle

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  3. sweetie, i wish i knew... "why" plagues me too...

    sending you hugs...

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  4. UGH. The Whys can be so painful.

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  5. "Why?" is a four letter word.
    Wonderful post.

    (*hugs*)

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  6. I wish I had just ONE answer to your why's..just ONE!
    *HUGS*

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  7. Great post. I've thought these things many times before - thanks for reflecting my reality. The conclusion I've come to for myself is that we humans have the horrible plight of having such rational, thinking brains - minds that can (and do) ask "why" all the time, thinking and asking ourselves in circles about things that we don't have answers for. Anytime I'm doing that, I look over at my dog and try to do what he does: live totally for the moment, never asking why. ((hugs)) to ya - I totally get it.

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  8. Like others before me I wish I had simple answers to the complex questions you've asked. We each wrestle with them. I can feel the emotions leaping off the screen here and I just wanted to offer you warm hugs and understanding.

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  9. This post just hit so many of my nails on the head, I'm in tears just reading it. I wish I had answers, or even coping strategies.

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  10. Sweetie...this rang so true for me. I have had 4 losses as well and I find myself asking these same questions. I hope we get our answers soon and all our dreams come true. you said this beautifully!

    ICLW

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  11. Why is such a hard question. I hope and pray that we all get the answers we seek or the peace to let the questions go.

    ~ ICLW

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  12. Wonderfully written... You've expressed how so many of us feel. Like everyone else is saying, I wish I could give you some answers.
    ICLW

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  13. hi, I am visiting from ICLW...No. 50 to say hello and to check out your blog.
    Wonderful post *sigh* Only one of many I wish nobody had to write.I have at some time thought many (all) of these whys !
    I am so sorry for the loss of your four babies.
    I hope you get some answers and a happy ending one day. I more than hope it.
    I did !

    My Little Drummer Boys

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  14. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I'm proud you made it that far without bursting into tears. I struggle with some of those WHYs still even though I'm pregnant. I get so angry that my SIL can just pop kids out whenever she wants and takes them for granted in ways she doesn't know and understand that she does, but I do because I have 2 lost babies. So sorry you had a rough day XO
    ICLW

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  15. The whys are heartbreaking. I so wish I had an answer for you. {{{Hugs}}}

    ~ICLW

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  16. I wish I could answer those questions. I had a similar post this week about spending time with a good friend and her newborn.

    HUGS!

    Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
    No. 95: The Unfair Struggle (male-factor infertility, good friends, neighborhood rumblings)

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  17. This is a beautiful post! I can so relate to EVERYTHING you've said and emotions you've expressed.
    I wish I could tell you the answer to Why, but to be honest, I gave up asking because there just does't seem to be a simple answer.
    Hang in there!
    (((hugs)))

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  18. What an amazing post. I am literally crying reading it. I wish I had answers to all the "Why?" questions, but I don't have answers to my own. (((hugs)))
    ~ICLW~

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  19. Good post. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

    Tammy
    ICLW #12

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  20. I can so relate to what you are saying in the post..Alas, there are no answers to the Why?

    I get back to Why only when I am very depressed...and I think you are in a bad place too....wishing some healing and happiness for you.


    ICLW

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  21. Why indeed. I'm in the same place at the moment.

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  22. Stopping by to say an ICLW hello!

    Hello!

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  23. Hi, what a deeply sad post...and so so true for most of us going through IF. I can only hug you from here and hope that even if you won't find a "Because" to those "Whys" you'll be able to find happiness in your heart. What you are saying about your husband is truly moving, I am sure you would do the same if the cause of infertility had been him. Like you say in the subtitle of your blog, there are other things in life. Lots of love, Fran

    *ICLW* #62

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  24. These are questions that most of us have had at one time or another. Usually there are no answers, but you will continue to go on. Much luck in the future.

    ICLW

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  25. Amazing post, I wish I had answers for you, for me, for anyone in a similar situation. I don't but thank you for putting into words what so many of us struggle to say.

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  26. Somehow, I've just stumbled upon your blog.

    I wish I was in my car right now, so I could pull around the corner and cry. But, alas, I'm at work.

    Just wanted to thank you for addressing the Why?s so eloquently.

    *hugs* and peace to you today.

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