For such a little word, it carries some big consequences. Why? can deliver wonderful news or it can deliver disasterous news. It can tell you what you already know or it can shock the shit out of you with it's answer.
Unfortunately it can also leave you none the wiser.
I went to visit a very dear friend today. We spent some time overseas together and she's been one of, if not THE greatest friend I've ever had. We've laughed together, we've been sad together and unfortunately we've also fallen out too and didn't speak for nearly 8 years (misunderstanding thanks to a meddling 3rd party) BUT we're back to being friends again, the past is just that, the past and we're intent on focusing on the future.
She's struggled to have a much longed for baby too. For the past two years she's had lets say reproductive issues and finally, earlier this year, she told me she was pregnant. She is now two weeks from delivering her (no doubt) gorgeous baby boy and I honestly could NOT be any happier for her if I tried. She is going to be an amazing Mum and I can't wait to share that experience with her.
As I stood in her kitchen today watching her sisters kids play outside with her partner, I felt a pang of "will I ever get to see BikerMan do that with our own children?" and it was immediately followed by a sharp pain in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach and for the first time ever, I truly felt myself feel that word NO form in my brain and slowly descend through my body where it came to rest right in the pit of my stomach.
I stood in that kitchen for 10 minutes nodding and laughing with my friend and her sister, watching the kids and laughing, cooing over her sisters youngest who already has such a cheeky personality and all the while I'm fighting the tear ducts in my eyes and so far winning the fight.
In between fighting with my tear ducts and trying to negotiate with the NO sitting in the pit of my stomach, I somehow let my mind wander and find the word WHY? forming in my head.
A few random Why? questions at first...
Why? do some only have to look at their partner and find themselves knocked up? Why? are those who drink like lizards and take drugs like a junkie always end up being blessed with a child? Why? do those same drinking lizards and junkie drug takers not see how lucky they are to have been blessed with a child? Why? does the universe make the females who always yell at their children when out in public and make out as if their child is the biggest inconvenience ever, mothers? Why? do these same mothers even have children if all they do is yell and seemingly resent the child? Why? do people complain about this ache or that pain during pregnancy? Did they not realise that pregnancy was NOT going to be an all day picnic? After all they ARE growing another human being in there.
And then the Why? questions become more personal.
Why? am I standing in this kitchen feeling so sad and very alone in my battle against my bodies pitfalls? Why? after 10 years, am I the only one in this kitchen, that parenthood still seems so far out of reach that no amount of stretching or ladders will help me reach it? Why? can I not be happy with my lot in life? Why? am I standing here wishing and wanting for what 'they' have? Why? can they have it and yet I cannot? Why? am I being punished in this horrible cruel heartless way, what good comes from depriving me my chance to be a Mother?
As the laughter surrounded me and the smiles flowed freely, I stood there willing myself to come up with answers, even just one, to these Why? questions and yet not one answer was forthcoming. I was losing the battle of the tear ducts and I could feel the NO wanting to burst through my body and spill out of my mouth.
I said my goodbyes and escaped to my car. I managed to drive around the corner before pulling over and promptly burst into tears. The tears flowed. And then they flowed some more. And still more came.
I had just been spectator to my perfect life. I'm not greedy, all I've ever wanted is a baby. Thats right I'd be happy with just one, for me 'our family' will be complete with just one. If two came along great, three brilliant but I'm not greedy and one would be a blessing. BikerMan + Me + Baby = 100% family happiness.
I've had a few people this week comment to me that they really couldn't understand what I'm going through or what I'm feeling and that they have no idea how they would deal with infertility and I truly hope they don't have to know how they'd know because I'd hate for anyone to have to deal with the misery that is infertility and fertility issues, too many already do and we do not need more joining our Silent Sorority.
I didn't know how to answer these people who made these comments to me but I've been thinking about it. Fertility and Infertility affects us all on so many different levels. It's not just about not being ABLE to get pregnant, it's about getting pregnant and then not being able to HOLD ONTO a pregnancy; needing IVF or a multitude of other procedures just to have a hope of becoming a Mum - coupled with no gaurantee that ANY procedure will actually work; getting pregnant only to experience a stillbirth; giving birth to a child only to have it die minutes, hours, days, weeks or months later.
It is all that, coupled with drugs pumping through your veins and then the emotional and mental side of things too.
For me it's not just about the four babies that I've lost, the missed EDD or the dates that first birthday's should have been happening on, it's about dealing with the thoughts that go through my brain daily of how my body has let me down just when I needed it to step up to the plate. It's not doing the one thing, as a female body, that it should be doing above all else. I was put on this earth to create life and yet my body is failing me and in the process making me feel like a fraud, a failure.
Add on top of that the fact that my body, is also denying BikerMan the opportunity to be the amazing Dad that I know he would be. My body has let my husband down, I've let my husband down. The man who would do ANYTHING for me, provide me everything I'm ever likely to need. By loving me, by wanting to be with me, he doesn't get to be a Dad and even if I can get my head around everything else, I will NEVER be able to get my head around how loving someone completely and truly can stop you from achieving your dream.