Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dear Dad.....

I miss you so very much.

It's been just over a year since you passed over and left us with a gaping hole in our lives. The world was robbed of a wonderful man when you left us. You time was far too short and your battle over too quickly (tho thankfully you are now no longer in pain and can breath easy).

Most days I'm fine, others I think of you at the strangest times. You are always in my thoughts and constantly in my heart.

I know that you're still with me, I can feel you and sense you and you make yourself known to me by things only I would pick up on...like the smell of your old work bag, it brings back so many happy memories and yet my eyes are pricked with sadness when I remember them.

Just like it did on the day of your funeral...this song will now always bring tears to my eyes...



I love you Dad and miss you so very very much.

xxxx

Monday, July 27, 2009

Welcome to Childlessville - Population 1

I knew the day would come. No really I did. I had hoped that some miracle maker would decide to throw me a bone or in my case a little bundle of growing cells but failing that, I KNEW that this day would be inevitable.

Last week, my last childless friend became a Mum. No more childless friends for me. Waving the flag, manning the emergency services and holding government for Childlessville is...well me. I am it. The last resident. The one among us who founded Childlessville and has been trying the longest to leave it, is ironically to become its longest and last resident.

Like Paris Hilton dining with the Royal Famly, I feel an outcast. I was once part of the normal brigade and as I notice the letters a and b being added to the normal banner flying above my head, I find myself in unchartered territory.

My days of long coffees while catching up on the events of life are gone. I will now struggle to hold the attention of a friend, instead our conversations will be peppered with drooling babies, crying toddlers and bored 6 years olds. Sleeves will be tugged, tantrums will be performed for everyones viewing pleasure and any plans a friend and I make may be liable to be changed at the last minute on the whim of a offsprings 'mood' that day.

Of course if I was not a resident of Childlessville all this would not bother me. I would share a giggle and one of 'those' smiles with my 'with child' friends and give a sympathetic "I know, understand and have been there"nod.

However I AM a resident of Childlessville and so my perspective is somewhat tainted. I wish it wasn't but it is.

I think my residency of Childlessville is made worse because unlike alot of the previous residents, I do not have children in my life on a regular basis. I don't have nephews or nieces or young cousins. My former fellow residents of course do have children but they tend to flock together. You know, why hang out with the dried up childless friend when time can be spent with friends with children? They can sit together and chat about subjects related to children, while they smile as their offspring eats it's own boogers, wondering how they managed to produce such a gorgeous obviously talented little person.

My currest status as a resident of Childlessville reminds me of when Miranda in Sex and the City had Brady. Her friends tried to fit her new found status of Mother and Brady into their lives but they struggled. I feel like my friends aren't even trying.

Even Samantha tried.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Why?


Why?

For such a little word, it carries some big consequences. Why? can deliver wonderful news or it can deliver disasterous news. It can tell you what you already know or it can shock the shit out of you with it's answer.

Unfortunately it can also leave you none the wiser.

I went to visit a very dear friend today. We spent some time overseas together and she's been one of, if not THE greatest friend I've ever had. We've laughed together, we've been sad together and unfortunately we've also fallen out too and didn't speak for nearly 8 years (misunderstanding thanks to a meddling 3rd party) BUT we're back to being friends again, the past is just that, the past and we're intent on focusing on the future.

She's struggled to have a much longed for baby too. For the past two years she's had lets say reproductive issues and finally, earlier this year, she told me she was pregnant. She is now two weeks from delivering her (no doubt) gorgeous baby boy and I honestly could NOT be any happier for her if I tried. She is going to be an amazing Mum and I can't wait to share that experience with her.

As I stood in her kitchen today watching her sisters kids play outside with her partner, I felt a pang of "will I ever get to see BikerMan do that with our own children?" and it was immediately followed by a sharp pain in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach and for the first time ever, I truly felt myself feel that word NO form in my brain and slowly descend through my body where it came to rest right in the pit of my stomach.

I stood in that kitchen for 10 minutes nodding and laughing with my friend and her sister, watching the kids and laughing, cooing over her sisters youngest who already has such a cheeky personality and all the while I'm fighting the tear ducts in my eyes and so far winning the fight.

In between fighting with my tear ducts and trying to negotiate with the NO sitting in the pit of my stomach, I somehow let my mind wander and find the word WHY? forming in my head.

A few random Why? questions at first...

Why? do some only have to look at their partner and find themselves knocked up?
Why? are those who drink like lizards and take drugs like a junkie always end up being blessed with a child?
Why? do those same drinking lizards and junkie drug takers not see how lucky they are to have been blessed with a child?
Why? does the universe make the females who always yell at their children when out in public and make out as if their child is the biggest inconvenience ever, mothers?
Why? do these same mothers even have children if all they do is yell and seemingly resent the child?
Why? do people complain about this ache or that pain during pregnancy? Did they not realise that pregnancy was NOT going to be an all day picnic? After all they ARE growing another human being in there.

And then the Why? questions become more personal.

Why? am I standing in this kitchen feeling so sad and very alone in my battle against my bodies pitfalls?
Why? after 10 years, am I the only one in this kitchen, that parenthood still seems so far out of reach that no amount of stretching or ladders will help me reach it?
Why? can I not be happy with my lot in life?
Why? am I standing here wishing and wanting for what 'they' have?
Why? can they have it and yet I cannot?
Why? am I being punished in this horrible cruel heartless way, what good comes from depriving me my chance to be a Mother?

As the laughter surrounded me and the smiles flowed freely, I stood there willing myself to come up with answers, even just one, to these Why? questions and yet not one answer was forthcoming. I was losing the battle of the tear ducts and I could feel the NO wanting to burst through my body and spill out of my mouth.

I said my goodbyes and escaped to my car. I managed to drive around the corner before pulling over and promptly burst into tears. The tears flowed. And then they flowed some more. And still more came.

I had just been spectator to my perfect life. I'm not greedy, all I've ever wanted is a baby. Thats right I'd be happy with just one, for me 'our family' will be complete with just one. If two came along great, three brilliant but I'm not greedy and one would be a blessing. BikerMan + Me + Baby = 100% family happiness.

I've had a few people this week comment to me that they really couldn't understand what I'm going through or what I'm feeling and that they have no idea how they would deal with infertility and I truly hope they don't have to know how they'd know because I'd hate for anyone to have to deal with the misery that is infertility and fertility issues, too many already do and we do not need more joining our Silent Sorority.

I didn't know how to answer these people who made these comments to me but I've been thinking about it. Fertility and Infertility affects us all on so many different levels. It's not just about not being ABLE to get pregnant, it's about getting pregnant and then not being able to HOLD ONTO a pregnancy; needing IVF or a multitude of other procedures just to have a hope of becoming a Mum - coupled with no gaurantee that ANY procedure will actually work; getting pregnant only to experience a stillbirth; giving birth to a child only to have it die minutes, hours, days, weeks or months later.

It is all that, coupled with drugs pumping through your veins and then the emotional and mental side of things too.

For me it's not just about the four babies that I've lost, the missed EDD or the dates that first birthday's should have been happening on, it's about dealing with the thoughts that go through my brain daily of how my body has let me down just when I needed it to step up to the plate. It's not doing the one thing, as a female body, that it should be doing above all else. I was put on this earth to create life and yet my body is failing me and in the process making me feel like a fraud, a failure.

Add on top of that the fact that my body, is also denying BikerMan the opportunity to be the amazing Dad that I know he would be. My body has let my husband down, I've let my husband down. The man who would do ANYTHING for me, provide me everything I'm ever likely to need. By loving me, by wanting to be with me, he doesn't get to be a Dad and even if I can get my head around everything else, I will NEVER be able to get my head around how loving someone completely and truly can stop you from achieving your dream.

And there is yet another Why? question......

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Evian....

I saw this and it made me smile and giggle more than anything has done for quite some time. I like the total sense of happiness the whole clip has about it.....sheer enjoyment and it embodies what being a kid is all about, being totally fearless because I believe if these babies could actually do what they do in the video clip in real life....they would!

Oh to be a kid again and have that fearlessness that makes every corner you go round a possible new wonderful adventure just waiting to be started!


Friday, July 10, 2009

Healing...its time.

My lack of blogging has been because I'm just not in the right headspace to put words on a screen.

Normally blogging helps me clear my head, gets rid of the cobwebs and helps me in the grief process but at the minute I'm running from it clear in the opposite direction and I'm not sure why.

This post by Sharon a couple of weeks ago got me thinking and has made me wonder whether or not I should start getting back into the spiritual side of things again in order to help me deal with what I'm feeling at the minute.

I've been looking at religion in a new light recently and have been wondering if it will help ease my pain, help me deal with my grief and get my life back on track.

I suppose when I say religion I should clarify that I don't do Christianity, I have nothing against people who do follow the Christian faith but it's not for me.

I have leanings more towards Buddhism. I'm going to try to incorporate some meditation in my daily routine as of next week, take time for me and start to appreciate every day things on a daily basis.

I'm also thinking about going to an Intuitive Healer as Sharon did.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The Sisterhood

I have only one request today. And that is that you head over to Shalini's blog and leave some supportive comments for her......that's it.

Friday, July 3, 2009

No Michael Jackson = No Baby

Seriously.

I lifted this off whythefuckdoyouhaveakid and couldn't believe what I was reading!

Funnily enough this question has been deleted off Yahoo! Answers, I wonder why and I wonder if the chick who posted it has been sectioned yet?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Funk

I want to give one but honestly I don't have one.

Writer's block, laziness, lack of wanting to blog. I'm just going thro a funk right now and honestly who wants to read a blog that's mostly going to be dribble?

One thing I will comment on tho since I'm sitting up at 3.26am tapping away on my laptop in bed, is that there seems to be another pregnancy tsunami hitting the ALI community. I have had at least 8 'announcement' posts in my blog roll in the past week!

I always glance over my blog roll before clicking on a blog, just to see if I can guess what the author has written about before I read it and every single recent announcement I've managed to guess before I've even read their post LOL not too sure whether that makes me psychic or everyone needs to be more creative in their blog post titles LOL

Quick question....what does everyone think of knocked up's complaining about every little thing related to their pregnancy? Recently I've come across alot of this, from bitchin about morning sickness (I'll happily trade places with you - no honestly I really will), to getting a itty bitty lil belly on them (you're growing a baby, surely you knew this was going to happen?) and my favourite at the minute is not being able to fit into their favourite shoes - seriously. I couldn't resist not commenting on that one and happily offered the Mum to be that was complaining, an endless supply of new shoes to swap places with her and that I'd happily give up ever being able to fit into ANY shoe to be in her place....it hit home because she said she totally understood where I was coming from but still....

I don't begrudge these Mum to be's right to complain I just think sometimes they forget how many thousands upon thousands of women would eagerly swap places with them. Having a baby seems to have been taken for granted by so many for so long, few appear to realise what a true blessing and total miracle it is TO get knocked up.