It's a mixture of physical things to do in order to get me out of my rut but also things that I feel I need to do in order to get my head and mind in a good space and allow myself to "grow". Wow doesn't that sound very new age-y!
I will be updating the Project 31 blog on a regular basis as I both strive to achieve all my 31 things and as I do each one of them.
I'd love your input and comments on my progress, my readers make my blogs so worthwhile!
I haven't participated in a Show and Tell for awhile now but think it's about time that I throw myself into it again and I have a cracker for my return! Once you've finished, how about heading over to Mel's to see what the rest of the class is showing?
So it was my 30th yesterday and honestly I feel absolutely no freakin different, I don't even feel like I've aged a day, no matter a whole year!
We had a party on Saturday night just gone. Nothing fancy, just very relaxed. Invited a few friends and some family. The weather did NOT participate on the night, it was bucketing down with rain, gale force winds and thunder and lightening came to the party too....hey they didn't want to miss out on the cake ya know? Despite all this, we managed to not only stay dry and warm (because it was freaking cold!) but we also had a blast.
It was my Mum and Dads 38th Wedding Anniversary on the Friday (the day before) and so of course my Mum wasn't in that great a place BUT luckily my Godmother was also there and when her and my Mum get together....well lets just say laugh riot would be a good way to describe it. They've known each other longer than I've been alive, and are a rotten influence on each other which of course means it's freakin fabulous when they get together! The wine followed, the laughter was loud and Mum was happy or as happy as she possibly could be given the cirumstances.
I got some awesome pressies, not that I was expecting anything to be honest, I didn't invite people for their gift giving abilities and would have been happy for them just to turn up but hey who am I kidding, a great gift is always going to be well received!
My best pressie though was from Bikerman....he truly spoilt me this year....
He had told me that he wanted to buy me a ring for my birthday and so we had gone out looking a couple of weeks ago, thinking it would take us awhile to find the "perfect" ring.
It did take us awhile but not as long as we were expecting!
We found this little beauty and as soon as I tried it on, knew it was "the one". It was and is absolutely breathtaking on and just sparkles!
It's an 18 carat gold ring with nearly a full carat of princess cut diamonds.
It cost more than any other piece of jewellery I own, including my engagement and eternity rings and I absolutely LOVE IT!
Whats been hard is knowing that it's been sitting in his drawer and that I haven't been able to wear it for nearly a month! Bikerman told me that I could wear it as soon as we bought it but it just didn't seem right, so we packed it away and he gave it back to me the night before my party.
I've been spoilt, there is no doubt about it and I know how very lucky I am.....even if we can't add a piece to the puzzle that is our family....at least we, as two, managed to find each other in amongest all the other puzzles pieces in the world and wouldn't you know it? We fit perfectly together.....
I could say 30 but I think XXX sounds cooler..makes me sound like a super hero or something!
In approximately 1 hour and 34 minutes (NOT that I'm counting or anything - seriously I'm not!) I am going to turn XXX. I will begin my 4th decade of life.
My 31st year on planet Earth will be an exciting one I've decided, full of new challenges and experiences that I've never done before.
I've also decided that its the year that I shed my fat ass and get my hot bod that I've always wanted; lose my negative outlook on life and acquire a positive one and just lived. Didn't live each day for A purpose or to strive towards A goal but in fact just "lived" and enjoyed each day.
Subsequently, my blog will become a "living with no children" blog. I'm not NOT trying, but I'm not trying either, what will be will be and my life will be ALOT better for making that decision. Bikerman and I will go back to being just us, not us hoping to achieve a viable pregnancy. I need to free myself from this weight that has been hanging around my neck for too long. I am and always will be part of the IF community and will continue to read blogs BUT I won't let them control my thoughts or feelings. You know when you read blog after blog and everyone is either struggling with getting pregnant or dealing with loss etc etc and you find yourself getting caught up in it all and it drags you down too? Well not anymore. I will read and relate but also do it detached and removed from it all. I've been there and I've let it take over my life and I can't let it happen anymore, so my friends I will happily read your blogs and offer support and words of comfort when I can and when they are needed BUT I won't take the problems on board which I normally do....thats the problem with being a sensitive soul!
I will still blog about IF from time to time but these posts will also be mixed in with everyday "normal" posts. I hope this doesn't mean that I will lose readers, in fact I hope it means that I will gain some new ones!
I value ALL my readers and really appreciate it when you take time to post comments, it means alot.
This may sound silly but the reason why I haven't blogged for well over a week is because I feel, well, umm lost. I want to blog but I don't feel like I belong in the IF community. I do not know why because I have still experienced 4 miscarriages (IF only we could wipe those kinds of things from our past eh?), still been ttc to get knocked up and STAY knocked up for 10 years and still want a bubba but I'm feel very removed from the whole world that is the IF blogosphere.
Since I closed my last blog down I haven't really had the same readership and I DO miss that. I miss the comments, I miss the feeling of belonging in the IF world. I know we don't really WANT to belong in the IF community but if we do find ourselves in the horrible world of IF, then it's nice to know that we can suround ourselves with others who are going through similar things to us and that helps ease the pain and burden of carrying such wounds and experiences on our shoulders and forever in our hearts.
Restlessness is a major part of my personality, I always feel the urge to move, to be wherever I am not and to be anywhere but where I am. I get bored easily and need change frequently (the change of my blog design so frequently should tip you off on that one!) and I'm feeling the need to change my blog. In some way, any way, it needs to be shaken up to get me back on track for "fitting in" again. It will always be somewhat IF focussed but I think it needs to be that and more....hmmm thinking cap time!
Yup thats me hitting the grief wall. It's taken near on 12 months to hit but it's hit.
How do you explain to people that just because you were strong at the time and supported everyone else grieving doesn't mean that you're not alright now and actually aren't coping with the rapidly approaching first year anniversary of your fathers death, which happens to be the day after your birthday?
How do you fight the way through the fog that feels like it's choking you?
To be honest I'm not actually scared of the number because after all it IS just that, a number. I'm more scared of what 30 represents. It feels like a changing of the guard. I've moved the "goal" posts so many times already and yet here I am moving them again. Instead of having at least one child by my 30th I'll have none and instead be contemplating whether or not to even bother to try for one anymore.
My upcoming 30th is also making me look back on the last 10 years of my life and wondering what the hell have I been up to for 10 years? Do you ever look at your life and think, ugh rut or what?
My life has no oomph!
I've never skydived or bungee jumped, I've had no "capers" (caÂ·per - A frivolous escapade or prank.) to speak of. I think life should be filled with capers and yet I've had none, not a one!
In my 31st year (which I will enter the day after my 30th) I want to accomplish at least 31 things. 31 things I've never done before. 31 things I've probably never thought to do before. 31 things I've thought to do before and then dismissed them because I'm not "crazy enough" (read scared, lazy OR boring) to do them.
I have a start on the list and some things in mind BUT I'm also looking for suggestions for what else should make the list, and ask for you all the rack your brains as to what would be on YOUR list should you make one. It can be anything (as long as it's not illegal!) and everything.
Please head over to Project 31, I've listed an email addy which you can send your suggestions to and after I've made the first post on the blog later today you can always leave suggestions on the comment section.
I'm looking forward to reading everyone's suggestions!