Friday, May 29, 2009

Trying to Move Forward While Walking Backwards..... doesn't work. Trust me.

I'm dealing with ALOT of issues at the moment, some of which I've kind of touched on in this blog, other's I'm not yet ready to share but lets just say they shake me to my core and really make me doubt myself and who I am.

As my 30th approaches with tentative steps (I think it can sense I'm a tad vulnerable and doesn't want to do anything to spook me), it has polarised my way of thinking of where I am in life. On one hand I am probably doing alot better than alot of people my age. BikerMan and I are paying off two homes, have got good jobs, have nice things and if we want something, we can usually get it. We appear to be in an enviable position. On the other we aren't travelling and we don't have children. To me it's always been an either or with travelling and children and at the minute it's neither.

I realise that to move forward, I need to put these things behind me and leave them there. Realise that we've managed to get pregnant 4 times and unfortunately miscarry every single one of them. There is nothing I can do to change that, it's happened, it's done, I can't undo the past, I can only come to terms with it and adopt a Cest la vie attitude to it because if I do not it will drive me insane (tho that won't be a far drive!). The same thing with the travel, we are not in a position to travel at the minute, so be it, deal, drop it and move forward, Cest la vie.

Now lets look at why I struggle to deal, drop it and move forward.

With my last two miscarriages, I've had people who have fallen and been due at the same time as I would have been. It's hard to grieve for a pregnancy loss and put it behind you when you're being constantly reminded of what someone else is going to have that you're not because it was taken away from you. 3rd miscarriage, it was one person who was due the same time as I.

This last miscarriage, I know of at least 5 people who are due either the week before I would have been, the week I would have been or the week after I would have been. FIVE!!!! One in particular, I'm being updated on a regular basis of how her pregnancy is travelling.

I'm happy for her (pls believe me when I this because I truly am) but it's hard when people say to her "Oh it's such a magical experience" and "there is nothing better in life than holding your baby for the first time and knowing you're a Mum". These people know what I've been through and what I'm still going through and their comments hurt even though I know that it would probably upset them to know that their simple happy wishes to this other woman are meant from their heart and are NOT said to hurt me in anyway.

And honestly what kind of a heartless cow would I be to say "hey guys when you go on about how great it's going to be for her to be a Mum, it feels like you're rubbing my nose in it - without actually meaning to!" ? The answer is I would be a 100% heartless cow and no way would I ever say it, so instead I just keep these toxic thoughts in my head, let them sometimes spill out into the blogosphere and every so often tell myself that, despite what I may think, I'm very blessed in alot of ways....


  1. You arent a heartless cow- and you wouldnt be even if you said that. For those of us who have endured infertility and loss, it is hard to hear of others pregnancies and births. Why not us? we think. What did we do wrong? It's one thing to be happy for them but another to expose yourself to being hurt time and time again. In a perfect world, people would remember and think twice before saying things that could be construed in a hurtful way... But alas... no perfect world.

    As to the due dates and babies born near or on my babies' birthdays... I find it very hard to deal with that too. Sending you warm thoughts...

  2. I like that you're talking about it here. I agree with Michele, you are NOT a heartless cow! Like you said, they don't mean and don't want to hurt you, but sometimes people open their mouths before thinking. To me, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, you sound like you're on a healing path. Does it feel that way to you? You sound like you're dealing with everything that has come up really well and doing your best to move into your future. I truly hope so because I want nothing but happiness for you!

  3. Having a place to let your emotions out are very cathartic. Yes, it hurts like hell when you follow some one's journey who fell pregnant at the same time as you. You can't change that. Acknowledge your feelings and confront them head on. They are just that; feelings. Feelings can't hurt anyone.

    It's an aweful situation to be in. (((HUGS)))