Friday, May 22, 2009

Ok, dividing and conquering

Ok I must explain the last post.

I know BikerMan loves me to death, I have no doubts about that whatsoever. I do have doubts about myself though, which in turns makes me doubt his love for me, even though there should be absolutely no doubts there whatsoever. Confused? Me too. Ok I have NO doubt of his love for me but when I start doubting myself I start to THINK that there doubts about his love for me when in reality there are none. It's just my mind fucking me over as per usual, it's nothing new, believe me.

I find myself putting myself down constantly lately and this makes my mind wonder as to whether or not Bikerman settled when he married me. Perhaps if he had married someone else perhaps he'd be a Dad now? Instead he's stuck with someone who loves him but appears to be a barren bitch! LOL. Poor him, yes throw him all your sympathy - he needs it! (Or he will tell you he does LOL)

My last post also came about because I know that BikerMan does find the exact opposite to what I am attractive. He prefers slim women, with small boobs and great legs. I'm fat, with huge knockers and I have the most horrible legs ever!!!!! You really can't get any more opposite than that, well actually you could but I'd have to be a man!

I agree with those who commented and said I should only change for me and I agree, when I change (which I will) it will be done purely for me, that I can promise you. However it will be in the back of my mind that when I do manage the change that BikerMan will find me more attractive than he has for the past couple of years. I'm not sure why that bothers me but it does.

We actually had an indepth conversation the other day about my reluctance related to horizontal activities and I finally managed to vocalise (and admit it to myself) the fact that I'm scared.

I'm scared that I might fall pregnant again, even though this is my goal. I'm scared that if I fall pregnant again, I'll suffer my yet another miscarriage. I know I can't let fear rule my life and I'm also completely aware that unless I embrace that fear and that risk of miscarriage, then I'll NEVER get knocked up with sprog again but it's such a huge fear to get past and I don't believe that anyone can understand that fear unless they've had a miscarriage themselves.

Unfortunately I know too many of my IF sisters who will completely understand that fear.......

One day at a time right?

4 comments:

  1. I've often said similar things to Peter... How, if he'd married someone else, his life would be different... maybe better... He always says "But then I wouldnt have you... I wouldnt have our children..."

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  2. Wow - I could have written the exact same post. I have the same feelings about my husband, my weight, and getting pregnant again.
    All I can say is ((BIG HUGS))

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  3. It's not that he will find you attractive because of your body change, it will be because YOU changed. You on the inside. Not just your body, but your mind and your soul. I'm sort of going through the same thing with my husband. I KNOW he loves me and finds me attractive, but I want to change how I look because I feel I'm unattractive. As far as getting pregnant again, I can COMPLETELY understand your fear and only you can get through that fear. One day at a time, is right, hon!
    Sending you LOTS of love!
    *HUGS*

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  4. One day at a time is really all you can do. Sounds like you have a gem of a DH there!

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