Ok so in just under a weeks time, it will be Mothers Day and it will be another that I am not a Mother for. It hurts I won't deny that, when it should getting easier, it appears to be getting harder. And no I'm not talking about not being an actual Mum on Mothers Day. What I am referring to is remembering that I have lost babies. Mother's Day brings these losses home to me, hard, every year.
Come next Sunday I should have been entering my 16th week of pregnancy. I am clinging to these dates rather sadly and pathetically for this pregnancy loss for reasons I'm not quite sure of. Perhaps I want to beat myself up about? Make myself feel even worse than I already do? I'm not sure.
This leads me (what a segway eh?) to why I decided to start a new blog. After I got lampooned, I took a step back and actually read my own blog. I read the words I'd typed, the thoughts I'd put onto the screen and saw through to see the real me and how I was (or wasn't) handling everything. One thing that I related to when I got lampooned was a follow up post they wrote and these words in particular:-
"The problem with the defense that stories need to be told is that many stories hurt the teller by allowing them to constantly rehearse negative emotions and build up a sense of martyrdom and entitlement. Venting does not lead to release. It leads to fixation."
It is totally 100% correct - for me, in my case. Now for some that might not be the case, but I found that the more IF stories I read, the deeper the depression plunge became. The more I read, the more upset at my own situation I became. Everytime I logged onto my blog and not only read my own words and typed out new thoughts but also read everyone elses words and stories and thoughts and struggles with feelings, I found myself becoming obssessed by my situation.
My Infertility had defined me. And it was a horrible horrible feeling. No matter what was happening in my life, I was allowing myself to experience it as an Infertile and that thought was always at the front of my mind. I wasn't just losing my Dad, I was losing my Dad as an Infertile. I wasn't just miscarrying, I was miscarrying as an Infertile. I was just becoming unemployed, I was becoming unemployed as an Infertile.
It was time to stop. Yes I suffer from Infertility but it does not define me. I am MUCH more than my Infertility. I am happy to talk and blog about my struggles with Infertility and how it does affect me but will I let it get on top of me and become the ONLY thing my life is about? No. Will I let it infiltrate every facet of my life? Absolutely not. Will I let it intrude on my marriage? Not anymore......
Pros and Cons of Cash Advance Loans
3 years ago