Monday, May 4, 2009

Mothers Day....and Why I Started This Blog

Ok so in just under a weeks time, it will be Mothers Day and it will be another that I am not a Mother for. It hurts I won't deny that, when it should getting easier, it appears to be getting harder. And no I'm not talking about not being an actual Mum on Mothers Day. What I am referring to is remembering that I have lost babies. Mother's Day brings these losses home to me, hard, every year.

Come next Sunday I should have been entering my 16th week of pregnancy. I am clinging to these dates rather sadly and pathetically for this pregnancy loss for reasons I'm not quite sure of. Perhaps I want to beat myself up about? Make myself feel even worse than I already do? I'm not sure.

This leads me (what a segway eh?) to why I decided to start a new blog. After I got lampooned, I took a step back and actually read my own blog. I read the words I'd typed, the thoughts I'd put onto the screen and saw through to see the real me and how I was (or wasn't) handling everything. One thing that I related to when I got lampooned was a follow up post they wrote and these words in particular:-

"The problem with the defense that stories need to be told is that many stories hurt the teller by allowing them to constantly rehearse negative emotions and build up a sense of martyrdom and entitlement. Venting does not lead to release. It leads to fixation."

It is totally 100% correct - for me, in my case. Now for some that might not be the case, but I found that the more IF stories I read, the deeper the depression plunge became. The more I read, the more upset at my own situation I became. Everytime I logged onto my blog and not only read my own words and typed out new thoughts but also read everyone elses words and stories and thoughts and struggles with feelings, I found myself becoming obssessed by my situation.

My Infertility had defined me. And it was a horrible horrible feeling. No matter what was happening in my life, I was allowing myself to experience it as an Infertile and that thought was always at the front of my mind. I wasn't just losing my Dad, I was losing my Dad as an Infertile. I wasn't just miscarrying, I was miscarrying as an Infertile. I was just becoming unemployed, I was becoming unemployed as an Infertile.

It was time to stop. Yes I suffer from Infertility but it does not define me. I am MUCH more than my Infertility. I am happy to talk and blog about my struggles with Infertility and how it does affect me but will I let it get on top of me and become the ONLY thing my life is about? No. Will I let it infiltrate every facet of my life? Absolutely not. Will I let it intrude on my marriage? Not anymore......

4 comments:

  1. Good for you sweetie. I hope you see yourself the way others see you. That you're a beautiful caring woman. You are sympathetic and very supportive. I wish you peace, so much of it!

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  2. That is such a great attitude to have and I admire you for that! So many people let things consume their life and, like you said, that only makes things worse. It can sometimes be so difficult to climb out of the hole but the effort and pain is most definitely worth it.

    Those 'people' might have wanted to ridicule and hurt you but what you've done - turned it around to YOUR benefit - takes strength and courage. Well done you!

    Sometimes I too have to take a step back from reading about others' losses and struggles (and it makes me feel really guilty to do so).

    I know Mothers Day will be difficult for you and you'll be in my thoughts.

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  3. I think you are still a mom... Just because you didnt get to hold your little one in your arms, doesnt mean that you are any less a mom. You were a mother the moment he or she was conceived in your womb.

    Sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

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  4. We were so close in our pregnancy's, I would have been at the end of my 15th week. It's hard to believe that we have to spend another mothersday with empty arms and empty wombs.

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