Monday, May 18, 2009

The Dark Times Are a Comin

I haven't been happy for awhile. This should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me but apparently it has.

I feel like I'm walking, walking, walking down the pathway of life and literally not moving, not going anywhere, standing completely still. No matter how MUCH I walk or how FAST I walk, I'm still in the same place.

How do you grasp your life not being what I want it to be but also not able to be what I want it to be if it can't be the first thing I want it to be? Confused? So am I. Trust me.

So we have the mortgage (two mortgages actually), the personal loan, the house, the homely feel but no "family". And yes I'm defining family as a husband and wife and child(ren).

I always said I wanted either or. I wanted the white picket fence, the children, the dogs etc etc or I wanted the freedom of travel, not being tied down to one place, being free to explore the world at a moments notice. I have neither. We have part of the first want but not the major parts eg the children, which would be the part which would tie us down to one place. Because we have the mortgage, the house and the dogs, we ARE tied down to the one place. And yet because the MAJOR part of that equation is missing, all I want to do is have ALL of the second want. The freedom, the travel, the nomad lifestyle.

Please don't take this post as me complaining about being Infertile and not being able to carry a pregnancy beyond 7 or 8 weeks because even though that IS part of this post, it is not the main part of it.

I'm stuck between two worlds. I am happy to be part of either of the worlds, the frustrating part is that I'm NOT part of either. I'm in this black hole, this vortex and I'm NO closer to moving towards either world.

I feel like my life has NO purpose. I'm drifting from one day to the next, watching friends and family and friends of friends and friends in the blogospher reach their goals, lead their fulfilling lives and everyday is the same for me. I get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, tidy the house, go to sleep and then do the same thing over again the next day.

To say that I am stuck in a rut is over simplyfying it. It is more than a rut. I feel like I'm getting sucked into a black hole and while it flings me out into an unknown vortex, it's also sucking the life out of me, I feel as though I'm collapsing into myself and as much as I claw at the blackness of space that surrounds me, I can't get out.

The knock on effect of this is that it's creating a me thats not a very nice person to be around. I'm unhappy, moody, snapping, depressed and above all extremely ANXIOUS. The anxiousness is particularly worrying me and it's affecting nearly every aspect of my life.

I know that the above is not the only reason why I'm turning into the depressed, anxious bitch of a wife from hell. My 30th birthday is next month and even though the age aspect of it isn't bothering me, the fact that my life is nowhere I expected it to be by this age IS. I'm afraid that as I reach this age, the possibility of changing the course of my life is diminishing and I may miss out of my chance of doing it all.

It does not help either that the day before my birthday is the one year anniversary of my beloved Dads passing over. I have still not yet properly grieved for him and that worries me too. I know when the time is right FOR ME, that I will grieve for him but until then I feel like not only a ticking time bomb waiting for it to hit me but also a complete failure and fraud for it not happening as of yet.

I can feel that the dark times are a comin....if they haven't already arrived.

6 comments:

  1. Sending you some hugs and of course glowdust too **...**...** xxx

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  2. I understand being in that "transition" place. You are not the person you were, but you are also not the person you want to be yet.

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  3. Oh boy, I feel for you! Would it be possible to put the dogs into kennels and have a get-away-from-it-all break?

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  4. I am so sorry hon. I could have absolutely written the same exact post. We are actually getting up and taking off this weekend specifically for that reason - we have no plans, no hotel reservations, no one knows we are going. Just a spur of the moment camping trip. The dogs will just have to enjoy the dog sitters and deal with it! Maybe the two of you could do a similar type trip - it isn't the nomad lifestyle, but at least it is a little get-a-way.

    BIG HUGS!!!

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  5. I don't think you are a fraud. Actually, the exact opposite is true! You are an honest to goodness truthful woman. I'm sorry your feeling so lost. Grieve when it's right for you. Try to do what feel right to you. No matter what you do, we'll be here. Supporting and loving you.
    *HUGS*

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  6. Abiding with you... Sending warmth and hope...

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