Friday, May 29, 2009

Trying to Move Forward While Walking Backwards..... doesn't work. Trust me.

I'm dealing with ALOT of issues at the moment, some of which I've kind of touched on in this blog, other's I'm not yet ready to share but lets just say they shake me to my core and really make me doubt myself and who I am.

As my 30th approaches with tentative steps (I think it can sense I'm a tad vulnerable and doesn't want to do anything to spook me), it has polarised my way of thinking of where I am in life. On one hand I am probably doing alot better than alot of people my age. BikerMan and I are paying off two homes, have got good jobs, have nice things and if we want something, we can usually get it. We appear to be in an enviable position. On the other we aren't travelling and we don't have children. To me it's always been an either or with travelling and children and at the minute it's neither.

I realise that to move forward, I need to put these things behind me and leave them there. Realise that we've managed to get pregnant 4 times and unfortunately miscarry every single one of them. There is nothing I can do to change that, it's happened, it's done, I can't undo the past, I can only come to terms with it and adopt a Cest la vie attitude to it because if I do not it will drive me insane (tho that won't be a far drive!). The same thing with the travel, we are not in a position to travel at the minute, so be it, deal, drop it and move forward, Cest la vie.

Now lets look at why I struggle to deal, drop it and move forward.

With my last two miscarriages, I've had people who have fallen and been due at the same time as I would have been. It's hard to grieve for a pregnancy loss and put it behind you when you're being constantly reminded of what someone else is going to have that you're not because it was taken away from you. 3rd miscarriage, it was one person who was due the same time as I.

This last miscarriage, I know of at least 5 people who are due either the week before I would have been, the week I would have been or the week after I would have been. FIVE!!!! One in particular, I'm being updated on a regular basis of how her pregnancy is travelling.

I'm happy for her (pls believe me when I this because I truly am) but it's hard when people say to her "Oh it's such a magical experience" and "there is nothing better in life than holding your baby for the first time and knowing you're a Mum". These people know what I've been through and what I'm still going through and their comments hurt even though I know that it would probably upset them to know that their simple happy wishes to this other woman are meant from their heart and are NOT said to hurt me in anyway.

And honestly what kind of a heartless cow would I be to say "hey guys when you go on about how great it's going to be for her to be a Mum, it feels like you're rubbing my nose in it - without actually meaning to!" ? The answer is I would be a 100% heartless cow and no way would I ever say it, so instead I just keep these toxic thoughts in my head, let them sometimes spill out into the blogosphere and every so often tell myself that, despite what I may think, I'm very blessed in alot of ways....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

On second thoughts....

I decided to delete my last blog entry. It just DIDN'T come across as I WANTED it to and I wasn't happy with it, so off it went to bloggy entry heaven!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Ok, dividing and conquering

Ok I must explain the last post.

I know BikerMan loves me to death, I have no doubts about that whatsoever. I do have doubts about myself though, which in turns makes me doubt his love for me, even though there should be absolutely no doubts there whatsoever. Confused? Me too. Ok I have NO doubt of his love for me but when I start doubting myself I start to THINK that there doubts about his love for me when in reality there are none. It's just my mind fucking me over as per usual, it's nothing new, believe me.

I find myself putting myself down constantly lately and this makes my mind wonder as to whether or not Bikerman settled when he married me. Perhaps if he had married someone else perhaps he'd be a Dad now? Instead he's stuck with someone who loves him but appears to be a barren bitch! LOL. Poor him, yes throw him all your sympathy - he needs it! (Or he will tell you he does LOL)

My last post also came about because I know that BikerMan does find the exact opposite to what I am attractive. He prefers slim women, with small boobs and great legs. I'm fat, with huge knockers and I have the most horrible legs ever!!!!! You really can't get any more opposite than that, well actually you could but I'd have to be a man!

I agree with those who commented and said I should only change for me and I agree, when I change (which I will) it will be done purely for me, that I can promise you. However it will be in the back of my mind that when I do manage the change that BikerMan will find me more attractive than he has for the past couple of years. I'm not sure why that bothers me but it does.

We actually had an indepth conversation the other day about my reluctance related to horizontal activities and I finally managed to vocalise (and admit it to myself) the fact that I'm scared.

I'm scared that I might fall pregnant again, even though this is my goal. I'm scared that if I fall pregnant again, I'll suffer my yet another miscarriage. I know I can't let fear rule my life and I'm also completely aware that unless I embrace that fear and that risk of miscarriage, then I'll NEVER get knocked up with sprog again but it's such a huge fear to get past and I don't believe that anyone can understand that fear unless they've had a miscarriage themselves.

Unfortunately I know too many of my IF sisters who will completely understand that fear.......

One day at a time right?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Complete Opposite of Everything.....

.....that I am.

What do you do when someone, likes everything that is the complete opposite of everything you are?

How do you deal with that?

How do you reconcile with the image of you being the complete opposite of the image they want you to be PHYSICALLY and emotionally?

They still love you BUT the attraction would be stronger if you were everything that you're currently not.

As if my head wasn't fucked enough. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now I'm going to have to deal with it all while I do a complete character and body overhaul.....nothing like a challenge eh?

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Dark Times Are a Comin

I haven't been happy for awhile. This should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me but apparently it has.

I feel like I'm walking, walking, walking down the pathway of life and literally not moving, not going anywhere, standing completely still. No matter how MUCH I walk or how FAST I walk, I'm still in the same place.

How do you grasp your life not being what I want it to be but also not able to be what I want it to be if it can't be the first thing I want it to be? Confused? So am I. Trust me.

So we have the mortgage (two mortgages actually), the personal loan, the house, the homely feel but no "family". And yes I'm defining family as a husband and wife and child(ren).

I always said I wanted either or. I wanted the white picket fence, the children, the dogs etc etc or I wanted the freedom of travel, not being tied down to one place, being free to explore the world at a moments notice. I have neither. We have part of the first want but not the major parts eg the children, which would be the part which would tie us down to one place. Because we have the mortgage, the house and the dogs, we ARE tied down to the one place. And yet because the MAJOR part of that equation is missing, all I want to do is have ALL of the second want. The freedom, the travel, the nomad lifestyle.

Please don't take this post as me complaining about being Infertile and not being able to carry a pregnancy beyond 7 or 8 weeks because even though that IS part of this post, it is not the main part of it.

I'm stuck between two worlds. I am happy to be part of either of the worlds, the frustrating part is that I'm NOT part of either. I'm in this black hole, this vortex and I'm NO closer to moving towards either world.

I feel like my life has NO purpose. I'm drifting from one day to the next, watching friends and family and friends of friends and friends in the blogospher reach their goals, lead their fulfilling lives and everyday is the same for me. I get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, tidy the house, go to sleep and then do the same thing over again the next day.

To say that I am stuck in a rut is over simplyfying it. It is more than a rut. I feel like I'm getting sucked into a black hole and while it flings me out into an unknown vortex, it's also sucking the life out of me, I feel as though I'm collapsing into myself and as much as I claw at the blackness of space that surrounds me, I can't get out.

The knock on effect of this is that it's creating a me thats not a very nice person to be around. I'm unhappy, moody, snapping, depressed and above all extremely ANXIOUS. The anxiousness is particularly worrying me and it's affecting nearly every aspect of my life.

I know that the above is not the only reason why I'm turning into the depressed, anxious bitch of a wife from hell. My 30th birthday is next month and even though the age aspect of it isn't bothering me, the fact that my life is nowhere I expected it to be by this age IS. I'm afraid that as I reach this age, the possibility of changing the course of my life is diminishing and I may miss out of my chance of doing it all.

It does not help either that the day before my birthday is the one year anniversary of my beloved Dads passing over. I have still not yet properly grieved for him and that worries me too. I know when the time is right FOR ME, that I will grieve for him but until then I feel like not only a ticking time bomb waiting for it to hit me but also a complete failure and fraud for it not happening as of yet.

I can feel that the dark times are a comin....if they haven't already arrived.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Oh's been how long?

It has been awhile hasn't it?

To be honest, I just haven't felt like blogging, I do not know why, all I know is that the words and thoughts haven't been flowing and without them, well my blog is pretty boring!

I HAVE been keeping up with everyone elses news tho and reading blog after blog, so don't fear, even though I'm not posting, doesn't mean I'm not reading your blogs because I am.

A trend I have noticed recently is how many IFer's have been getting knocked up with Sprog. There seems to be another tsunami of pregancies hitting the world at the minute and not only that but an IF tsunami of pregnancies, I can count at least 7 that I know of......

It's at times like these that I sit and think who decides who's turn it is to fall pregnant. Why did X fall pregnant now when Y has been trying for longer? And Z, well they've been trying even longer than X and Y put together and they've tried every treatment under the sun so why are they not yet knocked up?

Why does one person to deserve or earn the right to be a parent over someone else? Is there any reasoning for it or is it pure luck?

I look at my friends and people I know through other people and I can pick out who really shouldn't be a parent. Some for glaringly obvious reasons, others for reasons that you'd really have to look for but they are there. And then I look at the few people who I do know who desperately want to become parents and would be absolutely freaking amazing parents and yet they are denied that opportunity and I really can't wrap my brain around it.

It's thoughts like these and examples like these that back up my lack of belief in God. How can he be true if he lets people who really shouldn't be parents have children and those who would make excellent parents not be? But then I think who is he to decide who should experience parenthood? Who am I for that matter?

And then I take a step back, and realise how fucked up my brain is and that I've wasted yet another hour thinking about things that I will never understand and will never find the answer too!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Other Blog

Oh my, it's been nearly a full week since my last post, how slack of me!! Anyone would think that I had a life outside of the blogosphere, which trust me, I do not.

This past week has brought some home truths to my attention. In fact the past two weeks have been very eye opening for me and even though my thoughts and feelings are still extremely muddled and all over the place, I feel like at least I'm heading in the kind of roundabout right direction. I'm not sure the road is the right road but I figure as long as I'm heading in the right direction, even if I am on the wrong road, I can always take a side street and pick up another road further down the track, right?

My Dr referred me for further testing in relation to recurrent miscarriages, you know with my body deciding pregnancy apparently wasn't right for it 4 times over, you'd think it would have learnt after the first time and stopped itself from getting knocked up wouldn't you? But nooooo, not my body it likes to be provocative!

So I got the paperwork back about this further testing, it's at one of the major public hospitals in our city and because it's "public" there is a waiting list. They want to send me for more tests before they will even see me for my first appointment there BUT they were kind enough to send me a nice thick booklet on what I can expect from their program and my future appointment. There was also a nice list of who they won't accept on the program. If you're over 40, sorry no we want nothing to do with you. Already have children? Sorry nope we have no interest in you either. Fat? Go back to the fat farm fatty, we have no time for you.

Muggins here falls into the last catergory. I have to lose weight before they will even see me for my first appointment. And so because of that, I see no point in subjecting myself to more tests if I can't have my first appt before I lose weight.

AND SO......

Exercise weightloss has begun - kinda!

Next week will be my first whole week without any chocolate at all - oh the horror! I feel like I should be washing my own mouth out for that comment LOL that is how much I love chocolate. I think though, that I love my life, my health and my future more.

I'm also in the process of trying to twist BikerMan's arm to let me get a treadmill. I would happily walk on one of those for hours while watching a movie etc etc or listening to music and it would mean that come Winter - which we are heading into, I could still walk to my hearts content without risk of getting drenched!

Once I get my weight under control, my self esteeem will start to return, my head space will clear (I have so much of it LOL) and I'll start to feel better about myself. Once I'm feeling better about myself, anything will be possible.

I'm giving myself to the end of the year to lose the weight.

Come Christmas, I want to weigh around 90kg's (or just under 200lbs).

Typing those numbers is theraputic, though it has made me realise how fucking fat I've become! LOL

And so even though I will be sharing my weightloss journey within this blog, I also have a dedicated weightloss blog too, click here to read and please feel free to drop by some time!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Mothers Day....and Why I Started This Blog

Ok so in just under a weeks time, it will be Mothers Day and it will be another that I am not a Mother for. It hurts I won't deny that, when it should getting easier, it appears to be getting harder. And no I'm not talking about not being an actual Mum on Mothers Day. What I am referring to is remembering that I have lost babies. Mother's Day brings these losses home to me, hard, every year.

Come next Sunday I should have been entering my 16th week of pregnancy. I am clinging to these dates rather sadly and pathetically for this pregnancy loss for reasons I'm not quite sure of. Perhaps I want to beat myself up about? Make myself feel even worse than I already do? I'm not sure.

This leads me (what a segway eh?) to why I decided to start a new blog. After I got lampooned, I took a step back and actually read my own blog. I read the words I'd typed, the thoughts I'd put onto the screen and saw through to see the real me and how I was (or wasn't) handling everything. One thing that I related to when I got lampooned was a follow up post they wrote and these words in particular:-

"The problem with the defense that stories need to be told is that many stories hurt the teller by allowing them to constantly rehearse negative emotions and build up a sense of martyrdom and entitlement. Venting does not lead to release. It leads to fixation."

It is totally 100% correct - for me, in my case. Now for some that might not be the case, but I found that the more IF stories I read, the deeper the depression plunge became. The more I read, the more upset at my own situation I became. Everytime I logged onto my blog and not only read my own words and typed out new thoughts but also read everyone elses words and stories and thoughts and struggles with feelings, I found myself becoming obssessed by my situation.

My Infertility had defined me. And it was a horrible horrible feeling. No matter what was happening in my life, I was allowing myself to experience it as an Infertile and that thought was always at the front of my mind. I wasn't just losing my Dad, I was losing my Dad as an Infertile. I wasn't just miscarrying, I was miscarrying as an Infertile. I was just becoming unemployed, I was becoming unemployed as an Infertile.

It was time to stop. Yes I suffer from Infertility but it does not define me. I am MUCH more than my Infertility. I am happy to talk and blog about my struggles with Infertility and how it does affect me but will I let it get on top of me and become the ONLY thing my life is about? No. Will I let it infiltrate every facet of my life? Absolutely not. Will I let it intrude on my marriage? Not anymore......