Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What happens when you life doesn't plan out as planned.....

Remember when you were a kid? People would ask you what you wanted to be when you grow up?

I could never just answer one thing because there was always a miriad of things I wanted to be, to do, to see.

There was always two things that I never wanted to happen though. I never wanted to get married and I never wanted children, I was pretty vocal about both of those things from an early age. I wasn't the marrying kind and I certainly didn't want any screaming sprogs of my own.

Then I met, BikerMan and of course all that flew out the window.

I fell in love, hard and completely, after all how could I not? He's my soul.mate.

Then the bastard domesticated me. Made me want to keep house, clean up after him, make him cuppa's, cook for him, I will never forgive him for that LOL!

It was around this stage (about 6 months into our relationship) that I developed a yearning to want to produce offspring with him. I wanted mini relica's of him running around, I wanted to produce something that WE created. And so the obssession with TTC and getting knocked up began.

I had never up to this point, planned my life out by saying I want to be married by 26 and be popping out my first no latter than 28 and hopefully have two sprogs by my 30th. When I met BikerMan, I did. I was married at 21 and thought wow, this is cruising along, we should have a couple of sprogs by the time I'm 25! How foolish of me LOL. When 25 arrived and passed, I decided by 30 I'd have a sprog....

Well I turn 30 in just under two months and you know what, unless there is some whizz bang new treatment that gets you knocked up, squeezes 9 months of development in the womb down to a month, well I don't think I'm going to make that deadline!

And guess what?

I don't care. I'm about to embark on being a pillion passenger Biker Chick, having a sprog might cramp my style!

Life doesn't always work out how WE want it to but you will find that it DOES work out (it has for me!), you just have to want to let it......

Monday, April 27, 2009

Who Am I?

Some of you know me, others do not.

The info on my sidebar should give you a pretty good rundown on what I'm all about but in case it doesn't here it comes.....

I'm approaching my 30's, with rapid speed I might add.

I AM indeed married to my soul.mate ~ he shall be known as BikerMan. We got engaged after a month of doing the long distance weekend commute relationship, so technically, we got engaged after spending only 8 days together. We got married within 11 months of meeting each other. We've been together for 10 years and married for 9 this year. We started playing the "lets hope the sperm meets the egg" game somewhere in between both.

In our 10 years together, we have moved from one side of the world to other. Stopped speaking to some family, starting speaking to other family and lost much loved family members along the way.

We've lived in many houses, made new friends, treasured old ones and have two dogs and countless fish. We've had a few different jobs, borrowed money and paid money back. We've been on holiday and we've renovated our home. We've bought new cars and got rid of old ones. We live in a sunny warm climate & have another house in a colder climate on an island.

Somewhere in the mix of all that, we've also had four pregnancies. And lost four pregnancies.

I wanted to paint the rest of our lives out before I mentioned the pregnancies because the pregnancies and their subsequent losses, do not define who we are, nor who we are to become or the pathway we are to now travel down. They ARE part of who we are but they are not WHAT we are.

Yes we desperately wanted to be parents and deep down that desperation is still there but we will not let it rule our lives and so we have turned off the TTC pathway and are now following a new path, OUR path, the one thats right for us. Will it lead to parenthood? Who knows? I suppose anything is possible but I DO know that this is not our focus anymore. We have embraced the possibility of a life without knowing parenthood and you know what?

That is perfectly, just fine.