Friday, October 23, 2009
So you may be stumbling across my blog via ICLW or perhaps you used to read me but haven't checked in for awhile?
Well short history, we've been trying to get knocked up AND stay knocked up for 10 years now. We've had 5 miscarriages, two this year.
We've now decided to step off the train and try to live our life without children.
Subsequently I've decided to start a new blog which can be found here so please come on over and follow my/our journey there!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i'm done ttc
if i get knocked up so be it
but we are not actively trying
instead we are living
with this decision comes a new blog
at a new addy
i will still blog about life after ttc
but i will become one of those rareties in our blogosphere
a ttc who is now blogging about life after ttc
not actively ttc
i've noticed that there are not many of us around
and so i'm happy to add my new blog to this group
i'm hoping i don't lose any of my readers in my move
i love you all very much and appreciate all of my readers thoughts
and of course comments
my new blog can be found here:
please please PLEASE come over and keep reading me
i don't want to be lonely over there!
Monday, October 19, 2009
have lots of followers
and others hardly any?
i ponder this when i click on some blogs
and they have few comments
and then others have well into the double figures
both bloggers write well
both are likeable
and yet one receives more traffic
and more comments
i wonder why?
[as you can see i'm procrastinating rather than write what i have to write about]
Saturday, October 17, 2009
BikerMan and I had a huge fight the other night
This fight was followed by a huge talk
I am obsessed by all things trying to conceive
All things baby
Getting knocked up
Now this may come as a surprise to some of you
If it does, please I insist that you take a moment
Place your head downwards between your knees
It of course did not come as a shock to me
I mean come on, it's been 10 years
You don't manage 10 years without dedication
and a bit of hardcore obsession
Our conversation did however come as a shock
And I think it could may very well be the clincher
In whether or not our ttc journey is going to continue
I am thinking it may be the latter at the moment
While I still ponder, let me ask, are YOU obsessed by trying to get knocked up?
Are you constantly thinking about pregnancy, babies and how to get one of your own?
Do we need to start a TTC Anonymous?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Isn’t it strange how we all envy someone who has something we want but that those things we envy are so completely different for each person?
Kate over at Maybe Baby? is wanting to be in her second trimester (completely understandable after what she’s been through, I’d want to be in the second trimester too!) - you know I'm rootin for ya honey! (thats cheering you on in Aussie slang! Though it does have another meaning too but we won't go into that!).
In complete contrast I’d be happy to be where she is right now, still knocked up and willing my second trimester to come hurtling toward me with gusto!
Others have told me while they don’t envy my miscarriages [after all who would?], they do envy the fact that I’ve managed to at least get knocked up, there are plenty out there who don’t even know if they can get knocked up.
There are those who are TTC and envy those who at least have a diagnosis as to why they can’t get knocked up. Unknown Infertility is hell on earth. If you don’t know what’s wrong then you can’t fix it, hence no solution. I envy those who have been lucky enough (that soooo doesn’t sound right but really there is NO other way to phrase it!) to find a reason behind their recurrent miscarriages, I haven’t been that lucky, I fall into the unknown zone and it’s a zone I hate because there is no solution so all I get is keep trying and one day one may stick. Ugh yeah my heart doesn’t like that plan very much.No matter where you are on your InFertility journey, you will always find that there is someone who you envy and there will be someone envying your position in the journey.....such is life.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Early this morning I could see the bottom.
This afternoon I hit the bottom.
By early evening I had no fingernails left due to scrapping at the side trying to ascend again.
The darkness is blinding.
The silence palpable.
Have you ever just sat and felt your emotions taking over your body?
It starts out as a calm, much like before a storm. Silence, stillness, you know it's coming you're just not sure when.
As I sat in the darkness this afternoon, let my mind empty and just sat there.
Me heart started beating faster first.
Then my breathing caught up with it.
My eyes twitched before releasing tears.
I sat there, so still while I felt a tear well up in the corner of my left eye.
It built up and up, teetering on the cusp of my lower lashes, until my eye could hold it no longer.
I felt it spill over onto my cheek.
I felt it begin it's slow slide down my cheek and as it reached my lips, I felt another escape from my eye.
Before I knew what was happening, the tears were freefalling down my face and my heart had begun to ache.
It's ironic that just as I'd decided that this blog was about to take a happy turn, I was going to see the positives and just take life as it comes, I experience a loss.
It's as if, even when I'm focussing on the positive and enjoying what I have in life rather than being sad about what I don't, the Universe comes along and slaps me in the face and says "hey sunshine welcome back to the real world!"
Thats the word for the day, evening, week. It's a word I cannot get out of head no matter how hard I try.
It feels that every time I try to achieve something, I fail at it.
I will be sad if I never become a Mother. I will be devestated if I never make BikerMan a Dad. I will feel like a failure, like I seem to be, like I feel I already am.
A failure at being a wife.
A failure at being a woman.
[I wanted to add that while I understand my blog is currently sounding sad, depressed and morose, I apologise but this is how I'm feeling right now. I need to get these feelings out, if I don't well......I can't even put it into words. This is my outlet, where I come for support. Support I need more than ever right now because I'm choosing not to share this with the people in my life in the "real" world. That might sound insane in itself but my heart and my head cannot handle the questions and there would be questions and the level of support I would get from the people in the "real" world woud be minimal going off past experiences.]
Sunday, October 11, 2009
If I knew what to post, I would have posted earlier.
However, I did not.
I drafted a post many a time in my head, came to the computer and waited for it to transpire through my fingers onto the keyboard.
That never happened.
It's been a tough week and a half.
It was my Dads 65th birthday on the 7th. He of course isn't here to celebrate it. We went out to dinner and toasted him in his absence.
My due date for my 4th miscarriage was yesterday - the 10th. It came and went, I tried not to think about it - that obviously [as usual] did not work.
I don't have the ability to put grief on top of grief and I haven't finished - in fact not even really acknowledged so therefore started - my fifth loss yet.
Throw into the mix a couple of "omg I'm pregnant" announcements in the "real" world and a couple of longterm ttcer's in the ALI blogosphere annoucing their happy knocked up news [which I have to say I AM truly happy and thrilled for them but well sorry guys if I haven't come across as super excited and happy for you but I'm kind of living my own hell at the moment - I hope y'all understand!] and well I'm surprised that I've managed to drag myself out of bed all week if I'm honest.
And so my fifth loss.
I've had so many people this past week [not that I've told a whole heap of people, in fact none in "real life", I just can't and couldn't handle the questions] tell me that I will have a baby, I just need to keep the hope alive.
I understand people only say these things to help me stay positive but telling me things that aren't true and are unlikely to come to fruition actually do not help the situation.
In fact all it does is ram home the fact that no, unlike some who miscarry, I'm not actually going to pick the magic door and come home with the prize. Instead I'm going to be the sucker who gambles the big win on a "chance" and come home with fuck all while the audience laugh at me.
I've had people who tell me that they too have miscarried BUT they accepted that their baby wasn't ready nor healthy enough to come into the world just yet and so they were grateful that they miscarried. That they applied this thinking to all 3 or 5 or 7 miscarriages that they had to endure to get their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.
And that my friends is the kicker right there.
Their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.
Now in no way am I discounting the pain they endured having miscarriages.
Miscarriages are hell on earth and I wouldn't wish my pain or heartache on even my worst enemy, believe me.
However yes, my miscarriages perhaps may be less taxing on my soul had I been lucky enough to have successful pregnancies and healthy children between them.
However I have not.
I've fought to become a Mother for 10 very long years. Answering question after question as to why we don't have children yet, if we're going to have children and whether that healthy glow I have is because I'm pregnant? (no my cheeks are red because I've just been crying - again!).
The questions have started going around in my head.
Why is the one that pushes to the front, barrelling all the others out of the way.
I must have been really bad in a previous life.
I must have some bad karma lingering around me in this life.
I was 6 weeks and I knew I was knocked up before I took the test.
I knew I was miscarrying as soon as I went to the toilet that day.
Isn't it profoundly sad that I wasn't surprised to miscarry?
This is what sex and pregnancy has come down to.
You have sex.
You may fall pregnant.
You will then more than likely [going off your track record/past history] spontaneously abort your child.
On one of the forums that I post on, another regular poster on a thread I too am a regular on, was due the same time I should have been had I not had my 4th miscarriage. Isn't it pathetic that while she was giving birth, I was experiencing yet another miscarriage?
She got a [no doubt] beautiful baby girl, I got another crack in my heart.
I fear any more cracks and my heart will void it's warranty and I'm not sure I can live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.